The Bluestar Diaries

[duckyaisha]

“Right now, Thistleclaw seemed to be the strongest, most promising cat in the Clan. Would Sunstar choose him to be the next deputy instead?”

I haven't been paying attention to these, but God. I've read better cliffhangers in Goosebumps. GOOSEBUMPS
The thing that makes a cliffhanger good is the not knowing what's going to happen. If you know what's going to happen it doesn't work. And if anyone had doubts about Bluefur becoming deputy, well...

[Cloud]

BAhah, you think the Plot Leash would ever let that happen? It's called Bluestar's Autobiography I mean Bluestar's Prophecy because it's filled with her own boring story.

[Cloud]

I know this is much too late, but. I'm actually going to do some serious analysis of this book and not just make stupid, sarcastic remarks. (the shock!)

This post will deal with the boring Bluestar herself.

The Protagonist-

From the moment we meet her, I dislike her. This is not yet her fault, as what passes for her personality evolves later into a two-headed mutant of ugliness and boring.

No, what's wrong with Blue Sue (as I've nicknamed her) from the beginning is the authors' own lack of research, a.k.a You Fail Biology Forever What's really amazing is the fact that at least one of the Erins owns two (2) real, live cats. So you'd think they'd know SOMETHING.

One could argue that this is what they had in mind, but it isn't even cool. No one cares if she opens her eyes abnormally. It doesn't add a thing to the story, except to showcase her Sueness and the Erins' total lack of research.

Secondly, her intelligence. Somehow, magically, she speaks with the vocabulary of an eight year old kid when she's a DAY OLD. Not even lack of biology or research can handwave this. It's just...very strong word of stupid to the ninth degree.

Third, her family. Her mom? Tragic Sue to provide angst. Her dad? Well, I actually sort of like Stormtail, because he acts like a real cat dad would (i.e, not around much) Her sister? Mmm...I have no real feelings on Snowfur one way or another. She's just there, like so many things in this book. There to provide angst when she too dies tragically. I felt a twinge of sorrow, but not much. I liked her better than Blue Sue, only because she was less Sue-ish.

Anyway, back to Blue Sue.

On her first illogical day, she isn't grating yet, but neither is she particularly interesting - just the generic kit that gets into trouble. True, personalities take time to develop - which makes one wonder why the Erins started this early anyway, when it doesn't even have to do with the main point of the book.

Hence why Bluestar's Biography would have been a better title.

[Cloud]

Chapter 38 a.k.a ohnoes, pregnancy! (part 1)

But before we get to that, cats are returning from a Gathering (that Blue Sue did not go to.)
Cue news-giving.

“Hailstar lost his ninth life,” she announced. “He was bitten by a rat.” Bluefur sat up. “He’s dead?”

Yes, losing lives generally means one is dead.

Blue Sue is interested because she wants to know who the new deputy is (in case it’s Oakheart) by our good ol’ friend Crookedstar, who of course of is now leader of RiverClan.

Leopardfur says it’s Timberfur.

Timberfur? But Oakheart is Crookedstar’s brother. How could he overlook him like that?”

Oh I don’t know. Perhaps Timberfur actually does constructive things with his time, instead of stalking random ThunderClanners, and Crookedstar has more than two brain cells to knock together.

Blue Sue angsts about how she avoided going to the Gathering because it would be agony to see the remnants of their one-night stand and to see him and only be able to “share polite conversation.” As opposed to sharing rude conversation?

Oh, there was a fight at the Gathering, Leopardfur informs us. “A new ShadowClan apprentice called Brokenpaw went for two RiverClan apprentices. Oakheart had to break it up.”

Ah, Brokenpaw. Good old…or bad old Brokenstar back when he was a wee tyke. Candidate for the
Dumbest Villain of the Year award back when Into the Wild came out.

“He was there! Pain pierced her heart like a thorn. He would have been looking for her. She hoped he understood why she hadn’t gone.”

He was there…? Yay? WHY MUST SHE ANGST OVER EVERYTHING?

Apparently Tigerclaw wanted to join the fight, for reasons indecipherable to me. “Thistleclaw practically had to sit on him to stop him.”

Plush Tigerclaw seats! The must-have for every fashionable ThunderClan warrior this season! Buy yours now at a low rate of 19.99! (Plus shipping and handling.)

Leopard-y keeps chatting, Blue Sue dozes, then Leopard-y says she’s not surprised Blue Sue didn’t come tonight. Blue Sue asks why. Leopard-y asks her if she’s told Sunstar yet.

”Told him what? Blue Sue’s heart began to race.

There’s so much to tell, Blue Sue. There’s so much to tell.

“Told him what?” she asked shakily. Leopardfoot blinked at her. “That you’re expecting kits.” Expecting kits? I can’t be! Bluefur stared at her denmate in horror. How does she know?

Probably magic, or prophecies. There IS a slim chance she found out through observation, but putting faith in such nonsense like that is ridiculous.

[Cloud]

Chapter 38, part 2

“Don’t worry about being nervous.” Leopardfoot brushed her tail along Bluefur’s flank. “It’s natural the first time.”

Probably says nothing good of my mental health that at first read I thought she was referring to the process of making kits and not having them.

“Rosetail was awake now. “Bluefur! You’re having kits? (No, this was a long practical joke.) Why didn’t you tell me?”(Because you’re the biggest gossip in the Clan?)

“I knew there was something going on between you and Thrushpelt. He’ll make a brilliant father.”

Right, their lovely relationship involving Blue Sue totally ignoring him.

“Don’t say anything to him.” She pleaded.”

Good idea, otherwise he’ll just be jealous of whoever actually DID do it with you.

“I’m sorry, she murmured under her breath. Snowfur, Moonflower, forgive me. I never meant for this happen.”

Yes, I can tell by the way you responsibly avoided the situation. /sarcasm beeper

“When morning came she heaved herself from her nest, suddenly aware of the extra weight in her belly. How had she not noticed?”

This magical thing called plot contrivance.

Blue Sue goes to speak with Sunstar to tell him she’s knocked up to ask him if she can be excused from patrols because “she’s not feeling well.”

Oh just come out and say it, you moron. It’s going to be obvious soon anyway.

“Sunstar tilted his head to one side. “Is it something you’ve eaten?”

Yeah, it’s called “stupidity”, and I ate the whole box.

“Maybe.”

Maybe? Oh grow up. PREGNANT. Say it with me. PREGNANT.

Blah, Blue Sue goes out into the forest.

“She sat and looked down at her round belly. Were there really kits growing inside her?”

That, or perhaps alien mutants.

“How would she explain these kits?”

Well, first let’s start with the birds and the bees…

And Oakheart comes along. How convenient. He has two cats with him, but he sends them away. Also convenient.

She tells Oakheart she’s preggers. He’s ecstatic. Why I don’t know. He describes the fact that they’re in different Clans as “a problem.” I’d say it’s a heck of a lot more than that.

“But you can join RiverClan, or I can join ThunderClan. It’s been done before.” “Has it?” Bluefur demanded. “There’s a cat in your Clan – Windflight – whose father was WindClan. Didn’t you know that?”

Apart from his hilariously stupid name, how could she? Also, how the drack does Oakheart know? He isn’t in either Clan.

“Are you sure?” “Yes.” (Again, how does he know?) “So why does no one talk about it?” She snapped. Oakheart shrugged. (Oh come on. It’s not hard to figure out.)”

Because it’s against the warrior code…?

“Bluefur knew why. (Oh, in the course of two seconds?) “Because if it’s true, they’re all too ashamed. The ThunderClan cats who let Windflight be raised in their camp, the WindClan cats who didn’t claim him as their own. They’d rather forget it. Do you want our kits to grow up like that?”

Oakheart argues he could join ThunderClan, Blue Sue reminds him that he wants to become leader. Oakheart says there are plenty of cats who want to be leader. Blue Sue says she can’t let him give up his dream. One of her very few noble moments in the book.

Oakheart asks her if she’d join RiverClan. She says she can’t, her Clan needs her, she thinks of the prophecy. Oakheart says he needs her too. Blue Sue says he doesn’t, and she’ll raise the kits as ThunderClan. Blah, she tears away from him, he says he’ll always love her.

Barf.

[Cloud]

Chapter 39 a.k.a Melodrama ahoy!

Blue Sue begins to walk home, being angsty and remembering how she used to run around with Snowfur. It’s actually quite nice and would make me empathize with her character, but in the shadow of the melodrama that just happened, it doesn’t do much for me.

Then a wild Thrushpelt appears, his “sandy-gray pelt blending with the walls of the frost-burnt bracken.”

Frost. Burnt. Because frost, as a form of ice, burns things. Yes.

Anyway, he asks if Blue Sue is okay and she says she’s just going to camp, but he “gently held his tail up t block her way. “Stop” he ordered.”

…in the naaaaame of love! Before you breaaaaak my heart.

“She looked into his eyes and saw a tenderness that took her by surprise.”

Why does this surprise you? It’s well known that he has a crush on you, for whatever reason. (Presumably the Plot Leash.)

“Rosetail has just congratulated me on becoming a father.” He meowed.”

And I’m very jealous because I didn’t actually do it with you and someone else did.

Blue Sue is all anguished because Rosetail promised not to. Oh no! CONFLICT! Play the organ pipes!

Thrush asks if it’s true that she’s having kits. Bluey is all flustered, saying it was easier when Rose just guessed it was him, but “She couldn’t give anything away.”

Thrush asks her again if she’s having kits. (why? It must be obvious.) No wonder he has a crush on her. He’s so dense she must seem like a genius.

“She waited for him to ask whose they were. Why she’d lied. But he just stood and watched her.”

Because he is still jealous of whoever did it with you.

“At last he spoke. “I’m not going to ask who the father is.” He meowed. “I’m sure there’s a reason why you’ve kept this secret.”

Why yes, it’s called I had sex with a stranger because I’m an irresponsible jerk-bomb.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out differently.” (Pff, no she’s not. I haven’t seen any feelings of regret from her whatsoever. Liar.) “I-I would have been happy with you, I know. (What? Okay now you’re just flattering him so he’ll be encouraged to keep your secret. I see what you’re doing here.) “But now everything has gone wrong, and I don’t know what to do.” (It’s called be a mom. You made your bed, now lie in it, you absolutely unlikable jerk of a protagonist.)

Thrush says that she can tell the Clan he’s the father if it’ll make things easier. Blue asks him if he’d really do that. He says that she knows how he feels about her, he’ll do his best to make her happy and he’ll love the kits as if they were his own.

Wow. We haven’t seen much of Thrushpelt before, but I respect him a hell of a lot more now than I do Blue Sue. I haven’t seen her do anything even remotely this charitable for anyone else.

I mean sure, her family members (except for her father and Goosefeather) have died, but she hasn’t actually had to make any hard decisions or go through real character development. It’s mostly just been a lot of angsting.

“I-I can’t let you,” she began.

What. Blue Sue, you’ve just been offered something that you don’t deserve in the first place, and you’re DENYING it? I just…qasdfgthgbl…I HATE YOU. DIE.

“Shrieks ripped the air.”

NOES.

Tigerclaw and Thistleclaw “have found a trespasser by the sound of it.” Says Thrushpelt.

I’d wonder how he knows who it is, but it’s not exactly implausible that he wouldn’t.

“Bluefur recognized that yowl. Oakheart!”

Again? Groan.

Anyway, Thistleclaw has Oakheart pinned and Tigerclaw is circling. Thistle is macho posturing, threatening to rip Oak’s throat out. Yes Erins, I know he’s evil, you don’t have to hit me on the head with the evil brick to tell me. Again.

Thrushpelt warns that there might be more and goes to get help. Nice to know someone around here has brains.

Blue Sue is horrified as Tigerclaw says he has to punish “This RiverClan filth.” Jeez, what did he ever do to you?

“Staring past him, Bluefur could see blood welling at Oakheart’s throat, turning Thistleclaw’s paws red. (Yes, because killing him so that his Clanmates will want revenge is the perfect solution.) “With a shriek, she surged forward, knocking Tigerclaw off balance. (What. Why? He’s not doing anything.)

“Claws out, she ripped Thistleclaw off Oakheart and flung him aside.”

Way to be obvious, Blue Sue. Also, I love how Thistle has never physically hurt her, but she’s hurt him.

Thistleclaw, instead of being mad about that, is saying it’s not a kit this time, it’s a RiverClanner invading their territory. Got to say, he has a point.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Bluefur snapped. “What could he do on his own?”

Steal prey, do reconnaissance into your territory…? Really? I mean I know they’re in “love” but I can think of those things and I’m not a ThunderClan warrior.

Thistleclaw says there may be others. Fair point. Speaking of which, where the noun is Thrushpelt? He’s been gone a while.

Blue Sue pleads with them to let him in go in the most obvious way possible. I just…wafsfgbazsx. I give up.

Thistle accuses her of not ever defending the borders, etc, asks her if she knows Oakheart “better than the warrior code allows.” I’d say it’s pretty dang obvious the answer’s yes.

“Of course not.” She spat.”

As if that’s going to convince anyone. Also, it’s real lucky Thrushpelt ISN’T here, so he can’t put it together. How convenient.

Thistle goes into Bloodwrath mode and says ““We must mark our borders with the blood of our enemies.” Spittle bubbled at his mouth.”

You’re gonna need a lot of blood, Thistle. Also, the corpses would start to smell.

And Thrushpelt finally arrives with some other BlunderClanners.

Thistle goes back into sane mode for them. How convenient.

Blue Sue worries about Oakheart on the way back, then thinks of Goosefeather’s words: “Blood lies in his path. Bluefur shivered. She had to warn Sunstar.”

About what, the words of his crazy hobo medicine cat? Yeah, that’s real valid.

But before that, she eats and talks to Thrushpelt, asking him if he really meant his offer. He says yes, she says thank you. Thank God.

Cue Sunstar talk.
Blue Sue begins to complain about Thistleclaw and how ruthless he is, but Sunstar points out that he was just following the code. Point for Sunstar, who says Blue Sue shouldn’t get involved any more border skirmishes. Blue Sue wonders if he doesn’t trust her until:

“Sunstar glanced at her belly. “At least not until after your kits are born.” “You know?” Bluefur gasped.”

It must be pretty dang obvious. Now why Sunstar didn’t notice earlier in the day is most likely something called plot contrivance.

He says he wished he could have made her deputy, but says there’s someone else he can pick and looks at Thistleclaw.

“Thistleclaw couldn’t be allowed to take over ThunderClan. He would destroy them all!”

So ominous. Or it would be if there were anything to back it up with.

[Cloud]

Chapter 40 a.k.a Angst does not count as character development

Even though the Erins seem to think it does.

Anyway, Blue Sue is experiencing the miracle of birth.

Spottedsue is the med apprentice helping out, and “Her memory for herbs was outstanding, and even more important, the pretty young tortoiseshell’s compassion shone in every word and every look.”

Okay. There’s Sueish, and then there’s just flipping ridiculous. Really? She’s NEVER impatient, snarky, grumpy, or irritated with anyone? She has no depth or realistic characterization to her at all? I may hate Blue Sue, but goddang. I’d pick even her over this sugar-sweetened horror.

Blue Sue snaps at Spottedsue when she places her paws off as she’s “wracked by another contraction.” Spottedsue only frets about hurting her. Featherwhisker gets a gold star as he says queens can be a bit crabby when kitting and “Some are crabbier than others.”

Bluefur snips back at him, though admittedly she is in a lot of pain. “Oh, Snowfur, help me! Soft breath stirred her ear fur, and an achingly familiar scent wreathed around her. Not much longer, my precious sister.”

Run for your lives, everyone, Gollum is possessing Snowfur.

A kit is finally a born and Spottedsue is ordered to “Lick him fiercely!”

Slurp that thing, girl.

“Bluefur leaned forward and sniffed her son. It was the most perfect scent in the world.”

I wouldn’t think bodily fluids mixed with wet cat made the most perfect scent in the world, but who knows, maybe it’s marketable as a perfume or Yankee Candle.

Blue Sue also has two daughters. Oh look, it’s Thrushpelt! Hi Thrushpelt! Who is keeping up his side of the bargain magnificently without even technically lying, we are told. I like this guy.

He tells Blue Sue he would have been very proud to be their father. Ehhh…a bit corny but I’ll forgive him. For a plot tool he’s rather enjoyable.

Blue Sue names her first two kits Stonekit and Mistykit, since she wants names that remind her of the river. Fine, it’s a cute bit of sentimentality.

…and then we get her “pale gray-and-white kit” named Mosskit. Yes, Mosskit.

Anyone seen pale gray and white moss? Tally? Show of hands?

Didn’t think so. Maybe there’s some rare English species I don’t know of. Still, I don’t know about you, but I think of the color green when I think of moss.

Featherwhisker notes that she didn’t let Thrushpelt decide on any of the names and “Behind his eyes (wait what? So in his brain?) curiosity gleamed.”

Stop it, Featherwhisker, you’re not allowed to be this intelligent. ThunderClan frowns upon this sort of thing.

Blue Sue licks her children and promises to love them enough for both her and Oakheart. My heart would be warmed if I actually cared.

Next page skips to half a moon later and the kits are already running around in snow.

Yeah, I’m not even going to comment on this one. The Erins have already shown that they give roughly no craps on realistic kittens and motherhood.

Oh and Blue Sue worries that her kits will get too cold.

Hmm. The kits are playing in snow. Snow is cold and wet. They are TWO WEEKS OLD and lack sufficient body mass to keep themselves warm.

I can’t possibly figure out what the answer is. Nope. Totally stumped.

Then we skip to random cats having conversations, Sunstar and Stormtail worrying about the lack of prey, and then Featherwhisker and Goosefeather doing something…and then I lose interest.

Oh wait, Dr. Hobo is approaching Blue Sue with a “fierce, glazed look in his eyes that made her pelt tingle.” (The tingling probably signals the approach of another plot contrivance.)

Hold on a minute. Fierce eyes are usually focused and bright. Glazed eyes are usually unfocused and dull. ERROR, PLEASE TERMINATE THE COMMAND AND TRY AGAIN.

Do the authors even read what they write? Or does it break the illusion of happiness?

Blue Sue glances at her kits “who were now tumbling down the snow that had drifted against the warriors’ den.” This is possible how? If you’ve ever seen baby animals of any kind, you know that their coordination skills generally suck balls. But I suppose that is handwaved in favor of cuteness.

Blah kittens blah Dr. Hobo says ““This was not part of the prophecy,” Goosefeather hissed. “Fire must burn without bonds.”” (Referring to Blue Sue’s kits, of course.)

What? All he ever said was that Blue Sue was fire and was going to blaze through the forest. No further details were ever given, unless I missed something. I mean sure the so-called “prophecy” didn’t mention having kits, but neither did it forbid it. I don’t understand where he’s coming from with this unless to provide more angst. It’s for the angst, isn’t it.

Blue Sue gets ready to verbally smack him and thinks “She may have doubted once that a fire burned inside her, (wait what) but she was sure now that it did.”

Ey? I have never seen any mention of this, whatsoever. Besides, what is she even referring to? A fire of bravery, determination, Sueness, etc…? No comprendo. Where was the doubt and why is it now certain? Why do I care? What is the meaning of life?

“She felt it scorching beneath her pelt, giving her the strength of a lion to protect her kits.”

That must hurt. Also, what are you protecting them from, Dr. Hobo and his stoner cult? That WOULD make sense, admittedly. Stay above the influence.

“The prophecy can wait,” she growled. “My kits need me now.”

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually on Blue Sue’s side here.

Dr. Hobo says, what about your Clan? (As if he cares.) He adds that if Hedgehog (Thistleclaw) becomes deputy it’ll be the end of ThunderClan. (Why?) Blue Sue retorts that her kits need her. Dr. Hobo says they have a father who would raise them and comments that he saw her and Oakheart at Fourtrees.

Okay. Leaving aside the fact that that’s ASTOUNDINGLY creepy (and contrived), the world’s freakiest medicine cat continues.

Her stalker uncle says that he knows she never meant to betray her Clan (don’tthinkabouthowheknowsthis, don’tthinkabouthowheknowsthis) “But these kits will drown in blood with the rest of their Clanmates (oh Thistleclaw and his ready supply of corpses) unless you act. You are still the fire that will scorch a different path for ThunderClan.”

Different path from what? It’s always implied that Thistleclaw as a leader would be sooooo terrible, but I’m not buying it. Yes, he’s not a nice cat, but neither is Blue Sue. They’re both selfish, immature brats who lack a depth of character and the only real difference between them is that Blue Sue isn’t as bloodthirsty. (For reasons unknown. It’s never shown why Hedgehog is the way he is or why Blue Sue is so much better.)

Frankly, I think it would have been a lot more interesting to see him struggle and grow as a character and leader instead of the boring path of the protagonist’s contrived victory.

But what do I know?

“Was Goosefeather right? Was she the only one who could save her Clan? He had been wrong before. (EXACTLY, so why the frick are you even listening to him?) His Clanmates had stopped listening to his dark warnings long before he’d retired to the elders’ den. (Good for them, do the same.) Did he really know what their warrior ancestors had planned for the Clans? (Hint: No.)” She asks StarClan for a sign and does not receive one.

Perhaps they’re too busy laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

A hunting patrol returns with a sparrow and everyone laments the lack of prey. Sunstar says the queens need to be fed first. Good Sunstar, follow the code.

Cats eat the sparrow, we’re informed that Tawnyspots, the Fail O’Suckyname deputy (he’s a gray tabby) is very, very ill. Blue Sue asks if he’s dying and Featherwhisker says he’s not getting better. Oh just come out and say it, it’s obvious.

Blue Sue then proceeds to stare at Thistleclaw, who is described as “dark brown” when in fact we have been previously told he is white and gray. Continuity fail.

He’s covered in blood!...somehow. Then Dr. Hobo’s tail touches her shoulder (ew) and the blood disappears. “She caught Goosefeather’s eye, and he nodded. He’d seen it too. A vision of ThunderClan’s path if Thistleclaw was to lead them.”

Ain’t that convenient. And contrived. Also, all it shows is that he’s covered in blood, not necessarily anyone else. Just saying.

Blue Sue is all noble and dramatic, thinking “I have no choice. I have to save my Clan.” She’s thinking about how she has to give up her kits.

For the record, I know I’ve commented that Blue Sue hasn’t had to make any hard decisions, and I know I shouldn’t be griping now that she has to, but it’s just so freaking CONTRIVED. None of this makes any sense at all. The whole basis for her decision is a vague prophecy from a highly questionable source, and a random hallucination/sign. I just…fff.

It flips to Gathering time, which Blue Sue is attending. She finds Oakheart and he asks about the kits. She tells him their names and says she can’t keep them, asking him to take them. He warns her that they’ll be raised as RiverClan warriors and never know she was their mother. She says she understands.

“Would her kits forget her so easily? How could she let them grow up without her? She had to –or they would drown in blood with their Clanmates when Thistleclaw came to power. (Riiiight.) She had to trust in StarClan. (HAHAHAHAno.) And in Oakheart. (Somewhat more reasonable.)”

Oakheart says he can see this isn’t like her and that she’s a good mother. (Hear that? That’s the sound of my laughter shattering window panes) “Her voice cracked. “I can’t be what I want to be. I need to be as a strong as fire. I need to save my Clan (from Thistleclaw’s EVULNESS).”

However, the following line actually is slightly touching: “It is for the best,” she whispered. “I hope they know they have been loved. Even if they don’t remember me, I hope they know that.”

Awww. Even with all my cynicism I have to admit that’s kind of sweet.

“Please, StarClan. Let this be the path you truly wish me to follow.”

…and then my cynicism returns full force.

[HardDrive]

I have something to add to this. Something I and a friend joked about quite a while ago when Bluestar's Emo Rant The Superedition first came out, and it's something has happened at least twice in the whole of the warriors books, and raises the ridiculousness to an all-time high when you think about it.

Stupidfur [Bluefur] and Blueballs [Oakheart] fell asleep in a nest, and then when they woke up, they departed, and never saw each other again. At least not until Drama Llama [again, Bluefur] found out she was pregnant. Her shock at finding this out is just WAY too funny.

If you look at the facts, you have to assume that Bluefur didn't wake up in the middle of the night. Apparently, the Erin's want us to believe that pregnancy happens when you sleep next to the cat you have lusty feelings for. This happened to Leafsue as well, in.... Twilight, I think it was?

Anyways, the logical conclusion, to anyone who knows anything about how kittens are made, is that Oakheart [and by extension, Crowfeather] woke up in the middle of the night and raped Bluefur [Or Leafpool, again in Crowfeather's case] in her sleep. >:I

Thank you for that mental image, Erin, my life wasn't dark enough without it. /Sarcasm Hurricane destroys The entire southeastern coast of America and parts of Mexico.