The Bluestar Diaries

[Cloud]

"I'm confused. What was she pulling?"

Oh, I need to put an "away" after that. Pulling away from her kind Clanmates who she's being an ungrateful brat toward.

"Be above the influence.
Don't become a medicine cat."

Exactly. Medicine cats are supposed to be all wise and amazing, and they're really just drug-dealing pedophiles.

"...oh no, how horrible?"

Exactly.

"fffahaha."

It's the mystery of the universe.

[Cloud]

Chapter 30 a.k.a Everyone's a Jerk (except the minor characters, because they don't matter)

Blue Sue falls asleep, and sleep comes "furiously." I'm serious, it actually says that in the book. I suppose unconsciousness is a dangerous thing, it is, filled with burning rage that will turn our brains to ashes. /sarcasm flag flapping so hard I started a hurricane in the Atlantic

It's a dream of Snowfur and Whitekit in the river in the gorge being swept downstream, and surprisingly enough, it's actually well-described.

"It should be me drowning, not them. This is my destiny, not theirs."

...for some reason. And yet, I just realized something: Technically, Bluestar was not indeed "the fire." Since we're to believe Goosefeather was actually referring to Firestar, why wasn't it he who drowned? Why was Bluestar important anyway? WHY IS THIS BOOK SO LONG?

Blue Sue wakes up from her dream of relations dying and immediately rushes out to see if Whitekit's okay. While that is understandable, it's also rather illogical. Whenever I have realistic nightmares, and I wake up from them, I'm usually too paralyzed and frightened to move for a few minutes and just lie there giving thanks it wasn't real. True, I don't expect everyone to be like me, but I would think that this must be a fairly common reaction.

"Thank StarClan, it was only a dream."

No crap, Sherlock. I think you would've noticed that when you, you know, woke up.

Whitekit is awake, happy to see her, then falls asleep again, Blue Sue by his side. Oddly enough, only Robinwing asked Blue Sue what's wrong. Granted, it was the middle of the night. Still, I would've thought the other queens would've woken up (Frostfur and Swiftbreeze).

When Whitekit wakes up Blue Sue feels all guilty that she hasn't been paying attention to him.

Other kits wake up, Spottedkit (Spottedleaf) has "white splashes on her tortoiseshell pelt" yet she's referred to once in Into the Wild as having "a hundred shades of amber and brown" in her pelt. I know the Erins are bad at continuity, but this takes the cake, the pie, and whatever's left at the bottom of the fridge.

Kits playing, Robinwing consoles Blue Sue, blah blah.

"Robinwing touched the tip of her tail to Bluefur's shoulder."

And abruptly withdrew it, feeling the pain of all that Sueness oozing out of Blue Sue's every pore.

Thistleclaw pops up and borrows his son to teach him "battle moves." Because Thistleclaw is a moron and the least realistic parent since the stupid dad in Honey, I Shrunk The Kids. (I've never seen it, but it looks unbearably dumb.)

I shall proceed to paraphrase Thistle and Blue's convo.

Blue: (in response to Thistle's remark about battle training) GASP! He's too young! D:

Thistle: Up yours, loser! He's my son, you don't pay enough attention to him, so you can kiss my tail!

Blue: "He has me, too!" (actual quote)

Then Goosefeather the Hobo says this wonderful line: "A thistle has thorns as sharp as claws," he whispered. "Don't let Whitekit get hurt by them."

Beware, Whitekit. Small plants are out to get you.

And then Blue Sue classically wonders what he meant. Oh gee I have no idea. It must have nothing to do with your own disapproval of him teaching fighting moves to his moon-old son. Not even Sherlock Holmes could solve this mystery, if he had the help of CSI and Law & Order.

Gar I hate Blue Sue.

Thistleclaw is described as "the spiky warrior." Thistleclaw shall now be referred to as Hedgehog.

"She looked back at him with distrust pricking in her pelt."

That is some emotive fur you've got covering you, Blue Sue. If I give you chocolate, will it feel left out?

"Was the young kit really ready for such an advanced battle move?"

He's not ready for battle moves at all, you dumb turdface of a jerk-bomb. And if you really cared about his well-being, you'd stand up to Hedgehog and say, "This is not right."

But no, you just stand there. You're so epic, and I salute you over your lack of logic. *gags*

Luckily, Blue Sue is called to patrol. We are informed Tawnyspots (the deputy) is sick. Unluckily, Blue Sue has to patrol with Hedgehog. Two doses of jerkwad for the price of one.

They leave to patrol.

"...undergrowth elsewhere was brittle and flattened by rain..."

Flattened by rain? Are we to assume that this rain just so happens to be in the form of thick rubber boots with treads?

Blue Sue tries to hunt but is interrupted by Hedgehog yowling that there's a "kittypet invasion." Cue stupid bickering over kits being dangerous or not.

Blue Sue is accused of being soft on warriors from other Clans and soft on kittypets (true) and Hedgehog says he needs more proof of her loyalty before he lets her near Whitekit, for a reason that probably makes as much sense as my idea that fruit can think.

[Ten]

"Why was Bluestar important anyway?"
--
Is she?


"I think you would've noticed that when you, you know, woke up. "
--
No kidding. o.o


"feeling the pain of all that Sueness oozing out of Blue Sue's every pore."
--
Do cats have pores?


"GASP! He's too young!"
--
hm. You know, the Erins' concept of starting training at six moons might be unrealistic. From what I've read, sounds like mothers start teaching their kits to hunt asap. It's part of the process of weaning.


"He has me, too!"
--
Took me a moment to figure out what she meant.


"A thistle has thorns as sharp as claws,"
--
Therefore, Thistleclaw, who is named after thistles, is like a thing with claws. Also, he has them.
What was the point of saying that?


"the spiky warrior."
--
o.o Is she trying to make some personality analogy, or is his fur gelled?


"Flattened by rain? Are we to assume that this rain just so happens to be in the form of thick rubber boots with treads?"
--
This is back when it's still England-ish.


"kittypet invasion"
--
huh? What's that?


"Blue Sue is accused of being soft on warriors from other Clans and soft on kittypets (true)"
--
What'd she do?


"Hedgehog says he needs more proof of her loyalty before he lets her near Whitekit"
--
She might contaminate him.
She's a bad influence.

[Cloud]

"Is she?"

According to Hunter logic, since she's a) a BlunderClan important position b) a Sue c) a moron, she must be important. Also, she has a completely random-butt prophecy about her spoken by a hobo, which omits all doubt.

"No kidding. o.o"

I know she's stupid, but this is ridiculous.

"Do cats have pores?"

Mm...don't know. Good question.

"hm. You know, the Erins' concept of starting training at six moons might be unrealistic. From what I've read, sounds like mothers start teaching their kits to hunt asap. It's part of the process of weaning."

Mm. In the books, it seems to be that the kits used to be taught basic chores first, then hunting, then fighting, (from least complex to most) in at least some semblance of order. These days it's just what the heck, let's do what we want. There's no specific system or even guideline, no specific tests for basic moves and techniques. Very poorly designed.

"Therefore, Thistleclaw, who is named after thistles, is like a thing with claws. Also, he has them.
What was the point of saying that?"

He's a medicine cat, ergo, he's supposed to sound mystical and mysterious. And totally fail at it, because he's being as obvious as a clown in a rainbow suit at a funeral. He should just say "Your nephew's father sucks, and you think so anyway, so do something, you fox dung!" At least, I'd like him to.

"o.o Is she trying to make some personality analogy, or is his fur gelled? "

I honestly don't know. The first description of him way back when said he said "spiky fur like a thistle" but I have no idea what this means. Perhaps he's bad at grooming, because otherwise it makes no sense. Cat fur isn't pointy or hard.

"This is back when it's still England-ish."

And they have a lot of rain there, I know. Still, it sounds silly to me.

"huh? What's that?"

Thistleclaw smells kittypet scent in their territory, goes beserk and says it's an invasion, tries to find the kittypet but fails (it's a kit and he says it's "dangerous" because he's a paranoid moron) and thus ends up arguing with Blue Sue who tells him not to overreact.

"What'd she do?"

I'm thinking of her future self. x)

"She might contaminate him."

...with bubonic plague. *attempts to shake mind of her history project she's going to do tomorrow* Even though ironically enough I'm doing the Crusades, not the Black Plague like the other history class.

"She's a bad influence."

The new threat to youth: The Bluestar drug, guaranteed to ensure permanent stupidity.

[Cloud]

Chapter 31, Part 1 a.k.a More Boring Filler Than I Could Ever Imagine

"Bluefur curled her lip. "I'd like to see you try,"

...to sing the national anthem. No, what she's responding to is a threat from the end of the last chapter that Hedgehog made to her "Just keep away from him...or I'll make you." in reference to Whitekit.

Then she runs off...for some reason. Apparently "Thistleclaw could finish the patrol on his own!"

She lies to Sunstar, who asked her why she came back, and she says prey was poor so she wanted to spend time with Whitekit. Sunstar lets her off, like the soft idiot he is.

Sunstar's idiocy mounts when he hints that Blue Sue will be getting an apprentice of her own sometime in the future. Please. This cat couldn't mentor for beans, and there are plenty of senior warriors to choose from.

She goes to see Whitekit, who is asleep, and Thrushpelt turns up. They talk about her nephew and he says Blue Sue would make a great mother, and I think "only to a rock." Embarrassed Blue Sue skips over to Rosetail, who says Blue and Thrush make a great couple. Excuse me while I laugh my behind off. -screws it back on- Better now.

Not that they necessarily wouldn't be, and I know girls are gossipy, but it makes. No. Sense. This a is a more of a comment about girls in general: They see a girl talking to a dude, and they assume they like each other. Morons. Anyway.

The conversation moves to Tawnyspots, the sick deputy, who is so ill he isn't eating. They discuss who might be his replacement. Rosetail eventually suggests Thistleclaw, and Blue Sue says he's too young. Rosetail (Hedgehog's sister, by the way) snorts and says "As if Sunstar would give him the chance to lead us all into battle at the flick of a tail!"

I'm wondering why a flick of a tail would signal battle. That's another unrealistic thing about the cat body language in here: Cats use their tails to express emotion, not to give battle orders, at least as far as I know. They also do not use them to rub flanks, flick ears, or any other of the stupid things that could only be accomplished with tails that stretched like silly putty.

Anyway. Blue Sue attends to the elders...Weedwhisker is fat, somehow. I know he's an elder, but that's ridiculous.

Oo. Tigerkit's apprentice ceremony. "Leopardfoot quivered with pride." *shiver* I'm so proud of you, sonny! *shake*

Tails are also wrapped neatly over paws. Even though we don't give a crap about it being neat, even if that adverb /wasn't effing needed./ FFFFT.

Guess who Tigerpaw's mentor is. First one doesn't count.

Thistleclaw. Yep. Completely ignoring the fact that are PLENTY of senior warriors, and he's the youngest one, he gets him. I truly admire Sunstar's wise choices. /sarcasm flag waving so hard I knock over a telephone pole

Supposedly, this is why he turned out bad: He had Hedgehog the bloodthirsty for a mentor. Blue Sue is disappointed she didn't get Tigerpaw herself, and wonders why Sunstar doesn't realize how "dangerous" Thistleclaw is. Stupid? Yes. A zombie? Yes. Dangerous? Not really. He's just one warrior. And giving him an apprentice isn't dangerous, it's just dumb. I smell a Plot Device.

Whitekit tells Blue Sue he wants her to be his mentor. Bahaha. Poppydawn moves to the elders' den. Tigerpaw tells Poppydawn he'll take better care of her than any apprentice. Isn't it ironic how he's acting like a good apprentice should when Blue Sue didn't?

Adderfang is elected to stand in as deputy.

And this goes on so long I'm going to do it in another part.

[duckyaisha]

There is so much filler in this book. I swear it's more filler than plot- oh wait, silly me. I was thinking that there WAS an actual plot.

[Cloud]

XDDDDD Oh Ducky.

[sephri]

I only read this one page but it filled me with lulz. Even if I do kinda like the book xD /hopelessromantic

[Cloud]

xD thanks, Seph. I'm glad they provide amusement. But the really good journals are Ten's, of Into the Wild and The Sight.

Eh, the books have a sort of charm. I won't deny it. But they're also riddled with plot holes, stupid romances, non-interesting cats, and prophecies that make no sense. Also, StarClan. Don't even get me started on StarClan.

[Cloud]

Chapter 31, Part 2 (at last! Not that it matters because I can't write for crap)

Note: From now on I'm going to also try to examine the book from an actual writing critic's point of view, and not just make stupid cracks about its idiocy. I shall probably fail.

Anyway.

Goosefeather asks Blue Sue to come with him to buy drugs help him gather herbs and the Clan is all "GASP he's acting like a medicine cat again."

"Did he want to talk about the prophecy? She'd assumed he'd forgotten - and was beginning to think that it had just been one of his wild predictions that came to nothing."

As it should have been. One has to wonder why prophecies are so important, anyway. They're often used as excuses for illogical events, with their vagueness excused by the laughable line of "They would be too dependent on StarClan if the prophecies were too clear!" Er, they don't depend on StarClan for anything. Stupid advice, sometimes. But they can easily live without that. So the question remains: If prophecies always predict the future and they'll happen whatever the cats do, what's the point of giving them anyway?

/stops digression

Goosefeather just commented that Bluefur visits Whitekit a lot but never visits him, and they're both her kin. Bluefur thinks that he's "madder than a hare" and is "...suddenly frightened that he could read her mind." What? Why? I guess illegal substances CAN have strange side effects...

They discuss Blue Sue's ambition to be deputy, and things actually get slightly interesting as Goosefeather mentions that Sunstar wants a cat with youth and energy to serve beside him when Blue Sue mentions she's too young to be deputy.

Bluefur suggests Thistleclaw as an option, and Goosefeather says: "That young warrior is the reason you must become deputy. Blood lies in his path. neatly gift-wrapped with pretty ribbons Fire lies in yours." let's hope you trip into it and burn

"Bluefur stopped pulling leaves as she felt the medicine cat's gaze burn her fur. He was staring at her, his eyes ablaze." due to overuse of his laser powers, his eyes incinerated momentarily.

He sends her away with some leaves they picked, and before he does so tells her she must only focus on the prophecy and nothing else including breathing and sleeping

Bluefur wishes she could talk to Snowfur to "untangle the jumble of emotions seething in her belly." I read this and thought her stomach was her brain. That's where emotions usually are, though I'll admit to having found one or two in my fingers and a couple in my spinal cord.

Thrushpelt pops up and offers to help carry the leaves. Blue Sue thinks "Why couldn't he spark the same feeling in her as Oakheart did?" Because he's not a Forbidden Plot Device Lover, sweetie. Heaven forbid you fall in love with someone normal.

Then Thrush asks her who she thinks is going to be the next deputy and mentions Thistleclaw has his heart set on it, but says the senior warriors would be best. Blue Sue counters with youth vs. experience, and wonders why Thrush isn't interested in being deputy. I think it's obvious; he doesn't want the huge responsibility, neither would I. He's actually moderately likable, if a somewhat bland character.

He offers to share prey with her but like the rude cat she is she makes an excuse and goes to see Rosetail, who deducts that Blue Sue has her eye on the deputyship and tells her not to miss out on other things.

Tigerpaw comes in all enthusiastic from battle training and there are a few ridiculous lines to comment on.

"Any injuries?" "Not yet." Tigerpaw sounded disappointed."

Yes, I'd be terribly let down if I weren't in pain and bleeding.

"The strength in the young tom's shoulders was impressive and his claws seemed to have outgrown the rest of him. They'd left scars in the earth so deep it made her shiver."

The latest in dirt movers: The Tigerpaw Digger.

And lastly from Goosefeather: "I'm sorry, StarClan," he muttered. "That cat should not have survived. This was never meant to happen."

Because you know, evil is evil through and through forever. What are these shades of gray you speak of, Erins? CAUSE I AIN'T SEEING THEM.