The Bluestar Diaries

[Ten]

"And you want to be close to an almost-total stranger, and you have no way of knowing if he has good intentions or not."
--
He wants to make half-Clan babies.
...It's hard to find an innocent way to look at that.


"How could she fight him now?"
--
Why wouldn't she? Geez, what's wrong with her? It's not like they're married. They're not obligated to do anything for each other. They're not dating. They're not even friends. They just want to make kits. You can do that with a Clanmate, now shuddup.


"Maybe StarClan wanted this to happen. Maybe it was her destiny.”
--
headdesk.


"Granted, I can understand how doubts would creep in during this sort of situation. But I think they should’ve happened much earlier, especially if she’s so dedicated to her goals as we’ve been lead to believe."
--
Yeah. It's like all her dignity and drive for achievement went out the window when a guy looked at her. Thanks, Erins.


"Maybe the bones are sharp? But she wouldn’t be eating those."
--
She shouldn't be planning a fling with a stranger, either.


"Also, how can the moon be swollen? That makes me think of a wound or a berry."
--
I think that's just being poetic to say it's a full moon.


"If there’s snoring, it’s not quiet."
--
Wow. Fail.


"There was no way she could retrace her steps without being seen. She had to go on."
--
No. She didn't have to go on. She could have just turned around and come back. What, like the Clan was going to interrogate her for, by all appearances, going out for a potty break?


"Naturally, the usual methods of communication involve wrapping around someone and clogging their nostrils. Gets the message across perfectly."
--
Why can't they just show up in person like Tigerstar?
That sounds more effective.


"I have to do this,"
--
What? I... What?
No, for serious, you don't.


"It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, or that I’m not loyal to my Clan."
--
Yes it does.
What the heck, Erins.

[Cloud]

"He wants to make half-Clan babies.
...It's hard to find an innocent way to look at that."

It really is.

"Why wouldn't she? Geez, what's wrong with her? It's not like they're married. They're not obligated to do anything for each other. They're not dating. They're not even friends. They just want to make kits. You can do that with a Clanmate, now shuddup."

XD Exactly.

"Yeah. It's like all her dignity and drive for achievement went out the window when a guy looked at her. Thanks, Erins."

Ayup.

"She shouldn't be planning a fling with a stranger, either."

Exactly.

"No. She didn't have to go on. She could have just turned around and come back. What, like the Clan was going to interrogate her for, by all appearances, going out for a potty break?"

"Bluefur, how's your digestion? Don't hide anything, now, but don't worry, the confidentiality contract covers everything."

"Why can't they just show up in person like Tigerstar?
That sounds more effective."

Snowfur used Nostril Clog! It is not very effective!

Bluefur used Horniness! It's super effective!

"What? I... What?
No, for serious, you don't."

The power of the plot leash compels her.

"Yes it does.
What the heck, Erins."

While I don't care much her about her familial love, it does mean she's breaking the code, ergo, it's disloyal.

[Juli]

"Yeah. It's like all her dignity and drive for achievement went out the window when a guy looked at her."

She's kind of like Bella in that way. Except Bella didn't have much dignity and drive for achievement to being with.

[Ten]

Juli! Hi there. That name seems familiar.
Now I'm scratching my brain and thinking I should remember you. Former scribe here?


"She's kind of like Bella in that way. Except Bella didn't have much dignity and drive for achievement to being with. "
--
Definitely. This seems to be the general outcome whenever a writer tries to force an epic romance and fails because neither character involved really has demonstrated much of a personality (aside from, perhaps, brattiness).

[Juli]

"Is rootling even a word?"

Yeah, it is, just exclusive to England, I guess. I heard rootle used in Sherlock, a British show.

[Cloud]

Wow, okay. xD Thanks, Juli.

[Cloud]

Chapter 36 a.k.a One-Night Stand, Part 1

“He waited!”

No doubt practicing his favorite pick-up lines in his head.

“He whipped around. “You came!” She could smell his scent now. (he was wearing too much cologne) She opened her mouth, but couldn’t think of what to say.”

“Who are you, and why am I randomly in love with you?”

“I thought maybe you weren’t going to…” He seemed to run out of words and stared at her instead. Such softness in his eyes.”

That’s so beautiful and romantic that my sarcasm flag just broke from having knocked Jupiter out of its orbit. –buys sarcasm beeper-

“I couldn’t get away.” She whispered. “But you did.” “Yes.”

I swear, I’m not making this crap up. Even if I tried, I couldn’t! The level of nonsense here is hard to fake.

“Silence.”

Dear StarClan, you two. You bother to come out here in the middle of the night for this indescribably illogical meeting and you have nothing to say to each other. Not even a dirty joke or a pickup line? Not even some cliché first kiss moment? Hey Oakheart, didn’t you want to know stuff about Blue Sue? Hey Blue Sue, don’t you care so much about him that you’re being a total toolbox and throwing everything else away?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you….THE ERINS!

FAILTASTIC ROMANCE

THEY HAS IT

“Is that it? Bluefur felt panic rising inside her.”

Oakheart will probably pull out the ring any moment now.

“She shouldn’t have come. This was a big mistake.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, REALLY? MIND. BLOWN.

“Were they going to stand here like mouse-brains searching for words until their paws froze to the ground?”

It would be nice.

“It’s too cold to stand around.” Oakheart echoed what she was thinking.

Of course it is, Oakheart. Of course it is. I bet he knows lots of good ways to warm up…if you know what I mean.

“This is ridiculous.”

No shizz. Nor does it move the plot along in any conceivable way.

So, Blue Sue decides they should get warmer by going behind a bush climbing a tree. Oakheart says RiverClan cats don’t climb, Blue Sue teases him about it and he does go up the tree. This actually isn’t bad, even if they’re acting more like young apprentices from the same Clan than forbidden lovers.

Oakheart jokes that he’ll teach her to swim…if you know what I mean. Blue Sue freezes up (heh) and thinks: “Stop it! He doesn’t know about the prophecy! He’ll think you’re just being a scaredy-mouse.”

Oh right, water will destroy her…assuming Goosefeather the crazy hobo is right. They climb high, really high, and Oakheart is really good at it despite having never done it before.

“Do you think StarClan knows what we’re doing?” The stars blurred as she felt Oakheart’s pelt brush against hers.”

If they do, evidently they don’t care. Also, why do the stars randomly blur?

“If they can’t see us up here, they can’t see us anywhere.” Oakheart replied.”

Wait…what? This statement confuses me. Blue Sue gets all anxious thinking StarClan is watching them. I guess because they can enact punishment…? I really have no clue. Oakheart says the weather is fine, no rain or clouds covering the moon, so StarClan must approve. Or maybe it’s just a clear night and StarClan is busy watching The Lion King.

They go down the tree, Oakheart starts chasing Bluefur as she calls him a fish-face. He catches her and then we get this bit:

“Bluefur pushed herself onto her haunches and leaned against him, enjoying the smoothness of his pelt and the firmness of his muscles beneath.”

Smooth and firm, ladies. This in no way describes Oakheart’s other physical features.

“Oakheart sighed. “I’ve waited so many moons for this.” He twisted his head (it fell off) and looked into her eyes. “For you.”

Because…why? Did she promise you candy or something?

“Every cat in my Clan’s been telling me to get a mate (why?)” he murmured. (just like Twilight!) “But I want no other mate but you.” (Oakheart, Oakheart, Oakheart. We need to have a talk.)

“I know what you mean,” Bluefur mewed. “Larksong told me I should pair off with…” She stopped, seeing hurt spark his gaze.”

How DARE she fall in love with someone she can actually be with.

“Oakheart leaned away. “Is there another cat who…?”

a) Has sTaRrrzies (lolwhat? the censors gotcha) you off numerous times by being in your territory
b) Is smooth and firm
c) Make as little sense as a nut-allergic squirrel
d) Is a creepy stalker.

Time’s up, please mark your answers clearly with a number 2 pencil and the results of your exams will be in by Tuesday. Thank you very much and have a nice day.

“No.” Bluefur mewed quickly. “Only…”

a) I’ve been too busy stalking my nephew to think about other things
b) Destiny and StarClan
c) THE CAKE IS A LIE
d) The plot leash demands it.

Please follow the same procedure as question 1.

“Only what?”

Only YOU can prevent forest fires.

Blue Sue goes on about how she’s been raising/stalking her nephew and hasn’t had time to think about mates. Oakheart says she’s done a great job raising Whitestorm and her sister would be proud…wait, how does he know this? He’s from. A. Different. Clan. Isn’t that the whole point of this idiotic misadventure?

So how does he know the details of her personal life?

He’s a stalker.

Bluefur doesn’t find it strange at all that he knows these things. Perhaps she hands out leaflets about her silly sob story at Gatherings.

[Ten]

Aug 1, 2011 16:02:48 GMT -5 Cloud said:

“Only what?”

Only YOU can prevent forest fires.

I laughed irl.

[Cloud]

Chapter 36 a.k.a One-Night Stand part 2

“Maybe.” Bluefur whispered. (I may, after all, develop a personality.) “But this can never happen.”

(Probably not though, since we’re more than halfway through the book and my defining feature is my ability to defy logic.)

“What?” (What? But I love you because you make no sense!)

“Us.”

We make too little sense, and our very existence in the literary world is causing a distortion in the word-space continuum, so any moment now we’re going to be sucked into a black hole. Goodbye, lover.

“Why?” Hurt cracked Oakheart’s mew.

The writing is too bad, and the plot is dead. We must face our doom with bravery.

“Bluefur couldn’t believe it wasn’t obvious.”

We’re the most crappy forbidden lovers to ever exist, and our level of suckage is so great that our world is crumbling around us. The Apocalypse is nigh.

“We’re from different Clans!” And I have a destiny that doesn’t leave room for a mate.

The different Clans thing makes enough sense, but:

a) Why? The prophecy (always assuming it’s true) never said “thou shalt not have a man-buddy.” It can wait until after you’re deputy…but that wouldn’t cause drama, I suppose. Silly me.

b) That’s a very rude destiny, tell it to move over.

“Pain twisted her heart. She tried to push it away but it hung there like grief, cold and heavy.”

Wait, what? Pain feels like grief? I’d think grief would feel like pain, not the other way around. This simile confuses me.

“She pressed closer to Oakheart, and his warmth eased her sadness.”

He’s so hot that the temperature’s rising. –sarcasm beeper set off car alarms all over America-

Blue Sue says if they keep meeting they’ll end up being hurt. Fair enough, logic may finally track them down and seek its revenge.

“The only thing that can hurt me,” Oakheart breathed, “is being apart from you.”

Oakheart has gained the power of True Love and has leveled up to Invincibility.

“Bluefur knew it was true, for her and for him.”

Blue Sue has gained the power of Stupid and has leveled up to Negative I.Q.

“But she couldn’t change her destiny.”

Rant time.

What IS it about all the destiny crap in the warriors books? WHY do they all just meekly bow down and accept their fates? WHY do they all assume that everything will just come true as the prophecies say? WHY do they all assume that they can’t do what they want and make their own fate?

I thought that was the right of a hero, and while I would never call Blue Sue a hero (gag) she’s the protagonist, and protagonists SHOULD (at least to me) be able to some extent control their own fates and do good things because they CAN and WANT TO (and as we were just so wonderfully informed, all of that is secondary now that Stalkerman has appeared), not because crazy drug-addicted hobos say they’re going to.

Wait, that would actually be interesting. Never mind.

“The Clean leaders would be horrified if they could see what was happening.”

Horrified? Hardly. Irritated? Probably. Laughing their tails off? Definitely.

“Two figures gazed down from the top.” (This is the Great Rock at Fourtrees, for those who are confused.)

The new favorite sport of the warriors world: Protagonist stalking.

“Moonflower and Snowfur! Bluefur felt every hair on her pelt rise (into the air, and she was left bald and hideous.)…Bluefur stared at her mother and sister. There was such sadness in their expressions as they sat watching, neither moving or speaking.”

Moonflower: Is she really going to do this without a condom?

Snowfur: Nah, I gave her mine. Then again, it didn’t work.

Moonflower: And then the plot leash killed you. Nice going.

Snowfur: That was not my fault! I was just slaughtered for the angst barrel, it wasn’t because of anything I did….>.>

Moonflower: Keep telling yourself that, Snowfur. Keep telling yourself that.

“I know why you’re here, she thought.”

It’s about the herbs Goosefeather made me try, isn’t it? I’m sorry about the things I did. I was under the influence.

“They’d come to remind her where her true loyalties lay.”

Her true loyalties? You mean the ones that aren’t related to hormones?

“If she was going to fulfill the mysterious fire-and-water prophecy, then she had to be as strong as fire – and loyal only to her Clanmates.”

I assume “mysterious” here means “ridiculous.”

Oakheart asks her what she’s staring at, she says nothing and says that they should stay the night there.

“Just one night! She begged her mother and sister. I promise after this I’ll devote the rest of my life to my Clan. She glanced up at the rock. No one was there, and the moon shone in a clear bright sky. “Let’s build a nest.” Oakheart suggested. They scraped together a heap of leaves beneath the roots of an oak tree, and curled up together in the frost-scented darkness.”

I think this speaks for itself. Keep in mind, this is the only night she spends with Oakheart. Also keep in mind that she’s pregnant shortly afterward. Cloud trusts your intelligence to figure out why this last paragraph is so very, very wrong.

Nine more chapters left, people. God knows it’s been a long, logic-killing slog.

[Cloud]

What, no replies to my last one? Was it that boring? :C Sorry.

Chapter 37 a.k.a Right, NOW you care again?

Blue Sue and her man-buddy awake in their nest.

“Oakheart was looking at her, his eyes glowing like the Moonstone. “I don’t want to leave you.”

Glowing eyes turn on all the girls these days.

“But we must (not give up! Logic shall melt in the fiery passion of our…wait…I am fire. N’mind.)” She pressed her muzzle to his.”

“They padded to the edge of their clearing and paused, twining tails.”

Twining tails? Someone please tell me how that’s possible outside of Aristocats.

“Their time together was over (FOREVER! EVER! EVER! Ever! Ever.)”

The two promise to look out for each other and Blue Sue thinks “the river would always divide them.”

It’s a shame it can’t actually divide them into neat little pieces labeled “Stupidity” “Non-Logic” and “Fuzzy little bits that smell funny.” If it could I’d throw them in a volcano and be on my merry way.

What?

“She felt weary with sadness. Why was he so cheerful?”

Because he had a fun night….if you know what I mean. Also, shut up already Blue Sue. I don’t care that you won’t see him again. I don’t care that you “love” him so much. I don’t give so many dams, pipes, dragons, and pieces of string that you wouldn’t believe. (I also don’t give a fig, but that’s because I don’t have any.)

“Didn’t he realize they would never be together like this again?”

You poor, poor thing, condemned to only one night of naughty fun with a random, illogical lover when you have a nice, friendly tom in your own Clan who you could pair up with if you’re that desperate. I feel really, really sorry for you. –sarcasm beeper made a deaf person say “Ow.”-

“She gazed into his eyes and knew that he did. Behind the brightness she recognized grief, raw as her own.”

I have a question. Maybe – just maybe – this would be possible with human eyes, if someone’s REALLY good at reading expressions. But cat eyes and faces? They’re not as expressive as human ones. They can be expressive, sure, but at this level? I doubt it. Then again, we all know the Erins detest using proper cat body language. See all places where I mention supertails.

“Good-bye,” she whispered, and headed up the slope. She glanced back again and again until the pain of seeing him standing beneath the oak trees was too much to bear.”

Then die, please.

“But as she crested the rise, she felt Oakheart’s gaze still scorching her pelt.”

Does he have laser vision or something?

“I must be as strong as fire!”

Right. NOW you care again, after being a d-bag? Thanks, Blue Sue. You have truly inspired me to become a wise and good person who makes decisions and sticks with them. –sarcasm beeper blew out window panes in all of New England-

Blue Sue comes back to camp and “the entrance was unguarded.” Well isn’t that convenient.

The champion d-bag slinks back into the warriors’ den, lies down, and thinks:

“She had only spent one night with him, and she loved him more deeply than she thought was possible.”

I’m supposed to believe this why? Because they shared a special hug and climbed a tree? Yeah, no.

“How could she live, never talking to him again?”

I hear there’s this food and water stuff that works wonders. Air helps too.

“Worse than that – how could she see him at Gatherings or on the shore and pretend they were enemies?”

Oh get a grief counselor, you whiny sad sack. Moan to your crazy uncle if it’d help you feel better.
“But there was no choice.”

Sure there was. It’s called “be the d-bag you are now” or “be an even bigger d-bag”.

“She was a ThunderClan warrior, loyal to the warrior code.”

Excuse me if I’m wrong, but I believe “it’s okay to meet your forbidden lover” wasn’t added, unless Cloud missed something.

Blah, Blue Sue is picked for a patrol, Tawnyspots is sick again.

The patrol goes to the Twoleg border, Thrushpelt compliments Blue Sue a lot. “Oh…er…thanks,” Bluefur stammered. Thrushpelt was always saying things like this. Why did his enthusiasm feel so clumsy and annoying all of a sudden?”

Oh I have no clue. Can’t be because you have a forbidden lover.

Thrushie wonders if they’ll see Pinestar, Blue Sue says he probably has a new name by now, Thrushie says he’d rather be RiverClan than a kittypet and that would be bad enough.

“If I were RiverClan, everything would be so much easier.”

Right.

They come back to camp, and Tawnyspots is so ill “A sharp, sour scent was drifting from him: the stench of illness, so strong that it turned her paws cold.”

“ThunderClan might need a new deputy at any moment.”

So why hasn’t Sunstar just appointed one? It’s obvious Tawny’s probably not going to live, just appoint a new one and have done with it.

“Was Tawnyspots going to die? I’ll ask Goosefeather. Please let him make sense this time!”

If you’re even thinking that, that’s not a good sign that said medicine cat should be caring for a probably mortally sick cat.

“She had to know. It was too soon. How could she possibly become deputy when she hadn’t even finished training her first apprentice?”

Oh, I’m really sorry Tawnyspots isn’t dying slow enough for you, Blue Sue. Does she even spare a thought for how much pain he must be in? Nope.

A few cats are talking to Goosefeather and wondering how Tawnyspots is doing (which automatically makes them better than Blue Sue.)

“Goosefeather’s gaze was heavy with worry. “We’ve tried everything, but nothing helps.” Bluefur flicked her tail. What was Goosefeather trying to tell them?”
This is just a wild guess, but maybe what he’s saying.

“He recovered last time,” she pointed out. “He wasn’t this sick last time,” Goosefeather countered. “Sunstar will have to think about appointing a new deputy before long.” He stared at Bluefur, his gaze suddenly sharp and excited as a kit’s. Bluefur stiffened. Was this her chance?”

Her chance to be deputy? Dude, you haven’t even finished mentoring Frostpaw. Chillax, firegirl.

“A voice behind her murmured, “Oh, yes, it’s time for me to take Tawnyspots’s place.”

No prizes for guessing who that is.

“Right now, Thistleclaw seemed to be the strongest, most promising cat in the Clan. Would Sunstar choose him to be the next deputy instead?”

Dramatic cliffhanger ohnoes!