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Post by Ten on Dec 31, 2009 12:24:49 GMT -5
"But I always thought adverbs were good for describing things. Like flying swiftly gives you a more accurate image than simply flying."
--
But if it's so important to note the speed of the flying, there are more vivid ways to describe it. "Flying swiftly" gives me a slight impression of speed, but it's... lukewarm. Another way to say it would be "beating her wings like there's no tomorrow and leaving the mountains far behind in a matter of seconds" or "soaring into the sky, feeling light-headed from the rapid change in altitude as the village vanished beneath him" or just "taking off and getting the heck out of Dodge". When specifying the speed isn't so important as to call for descriptions like these, you can just say "flying".
"And besides, I use a lot of adverbs in my writing and you don't seem to mind."
--
You use some. Not a lot. Anyway, it's a style preference, not an error. I'd be overstepping my bounds to tell you to change your writing style.
"Someone found it and Sol mugged it from them"
--
ahaha. Sol doesn't seem like the mugger sort.
"This made me think of the Pirate Code from POTC."
--
Yeah, I was watching it the other night. Cap'n Teague is so much cooler than Hollypaw.
"I’m not seeing what’s so powerful about it."
--
Yeah, I understand why she thinks it's important, but it doesn't have any actual power. ...No, hang on, I don't understand why she thinks it's important. Histories supply the teachings that form views, no? So what was it in Hollypaw's past that made the code so important to her, and why didn't it do the same for her brothers?
"You must come back with us."
--
What for?
"Maybe I’m being a stickler, but I really don’t see why the adverb was needed."
--
No, I'm with you. It wasn't needed.
"I know he definitely dies in OOTS, though."
--
We should have a party when that happens.
For serious.
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Post by Cloud on Dec 31, 2009 13:13:36 GMT -5
"Sol doesn't seem like the mugger sort." You'd be surprised. "Cap'n Teague is so much cooler than Hollypaw." I very much agree with you on that. "What for?" Jaypaw is in love with him, I swear. Drugshipping. "No, I'm with you. It wasn't needed."  "We should have a party when that happens. For serious." Oh my (not our) gosh, YES. Except this time, no eating all the snacks, Ten. x3 |
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Post by Ten on Dec 31, 2009 16:07:47 GMT -5
I didn't eat all of them. D:
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Post by Cloud on Dec 31, 2009 22:51:33 GMT -5
You ate most of them, you silly. :3 Ten must be a hungry hobbit. Owait. Hobbits are usually hungry. /joking
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Post by Cloud on Jan 4, 2010 23:50:38 GMT -5
Chapter 21
“He ignored the surprise flashing from their pelts.”
AUGH MY EYES! –blinded-
“It wasn’t Blackstar who was more powerful than StarClan. They were.”
Such an accomplishment. /sarcasm
Cloud’s voice in her head interrupts this journal to apologize for all her sarcasm and the fact that she is not as funny as Ten.
Thank you.
“They’d managed to sneak out of camp unnoticed, but it seemed they were going to be punished anyway.”
…what? This sentence makes no sense. So they’re being punished for something nobody knew they do? Are the warriors’ subconciousnesses going “tee hee hee, I bet they did something wrong, let’s punish them”? Punishment is only punishment if it’s for something specific that the punisher knows about.
“Jaypaw? Is that you?”
No, it’s someone who stole his scent. Though why anyone would want to do that I’m not sure.
““We are watching you.” Yellowfang reminded him.”
I now rename StarClan (the eternal) StalkerClan.
“They were just a bunch of dead cats.”
Yes. Yes, they are. A bunch of dead cats who can’t do anything useful and are not helpful whatsoever and are an insult to religions. AND STALK CATS.
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Post by Cloud on Jan 5, 2010 0:16:54 GMT -5
Chapter 22
“He blinked open his eyes…”
AGAIN with the blinking open of eyes. Do these cats sleep like snakes, with their eyes open and glazed over?
“Flinching from the brightness…”
The light, it burns.
“..gave him a real nip in his hind leg.”
Again with the hard nipping. As Ten has stated, nipping is a light form of biting. Therefore a hard nip is a light bite. Erins, must you continually annoy us with inaccuracy?
“..power of the starts pulsing in his paws.”
Now I’m imagining Lionpaw with feet made of gas and fire going “throb, throb”.
““Worse,” Dustpelt meowed. “Do you remember the battle against BloodClan, Ashfur?” Ashfur’s tail twitched. “Now, that was a battle!”
Forgive me if I’m being a stickler, but I think Ashfur’s reaction to that should have different. He should have said something like, “Yes, it was terrible,” Or “Yes, I was only an apprentice then and it was horrifying” or something like that. The battle against BloodClan was a horrible thing where a lot of cats died, not some fond memory.
““Did the sun go out then?” Poppyfrost mewed. Dustpelt sighed. “No.””
Dustpelt sounds wistful, like he wishes the sun had gone out then. Or at least that’s how I take it.
““He’s ready to become a warrior.””
Lionpaw? –snorts- Well, I guess this IS BlunderClan, Clan of mistakes and misjudgments.
“They leaped…”
Shouldn’t this be “they leapt” if it’s in past tense? –asks Ten the grammar and spelling guru-
“Was he really ready to become a warrior?”
Heck no.
Random thingie where the storyline goes straight from Lionpaw doing a patrol to him meeting Tigerstar…I’m confused. Is Tigerstar on the patrol, is Lion sleepwalking, or is Lion dreaming this whole thing?
The chapter ends with him and Tigerstar…I’m still confused. Nowhere does it say he came back from the patrol or went to sleep. O-o?
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Post by Ten on Jan 5, 2010 10:05:19 GMT -5
"He ignored the surprise flashing from their pelts."
--
Picturing that as guys in trench coats popping out of their fur to flash each other.
"Now I’m imagining Lionpaw with feet made of gas and fire going “throb, throb”."
--
He's got the thump-thump.
"The battle against BloodClan was a horrible thing where a lot of cats died, not some fond memory."
--
They're all a little sociopathic, it seems.
"Dustpelt sounds wistful"
--
I imagined him as annoyed. It's like... //"Back in our day, we had real battles."
"Oh yeah? Well did you have eclipses back in your day, too?"
"No, but that's not the point."//
"–asks Ten the grammar and spelling guru-"
--
As far as I know, either way is correct.
And guru makes me think of Sokka and a pufferfish.
Anyone have that screenshot?
"Nowhere does it say he came back from the patrol or went to sleep."
--
So he met Tigerstar on the patrol. While awake. According to that chick on ww, StarClan has the power to do this too, but they just... choose not to use it.
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Post by duckyaisha on Jan 5, 2010 17:34:50 GMT -5
Forgive me if I’m being a stickler, but I think Ashfur’s reaction to that should have different. He should have said something like, “Yes, it was terrible,” Or “Yes, I was only an apprentice then and it was horrifying” or something like that. The battle against BloodClan was a horrible thing where a lot of cats died, not some fond memory.
---x---
I agree here. It's insane to be excited about a battle to the point where you discuss it like a fun trip to the amusement park..
And guru makes me think of Sokka and a pufferfish.
Anyone have that screenshot?
----x---
What?
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Post by Cloud on Jan 5, 2010 23:51:42 GMT -5
"Picturing that as guys in trench coats popping out of their fur to flash each other"
That's a disturbing thought.
"He's got the thump-thump."
Oh my geez what's he doing with Davey's heart?! NUUUU! D:
"They're all a little sociopathic, it seems."
I know, right? If they aren't cardboard cutouts or something similarly personality-less, they're just little furry action figures with highly rotatable limbs and assigned quotes to say. Not to mention kinda scary personality issues. i.e, Failstar, Ashfur, others I'm too lazy to name.
"I imagined him as annoyed. It's like... //"Back in our day, we had real battles."
"Oh yeah? Well did you have eclipses back in your day, too?"
"No, but that's not the point."//"
That sounds much better.
"As far as I know, either way is correct.
And guru makes me think of Sokka and a pufferfish.
Anyone have that screenshot?"
Aha. Sokka and a pufferfish? Sounds vaguely familiar...someday I'll watch the rest of that epic show.
"So he met Tigerstar on the patrol. While awake. According to that chick on ww, StarClan has the power to do this too, but they just... choose not to use it."
Because they fail and the Dark Forest is so much more pownful.
"I agree here. It's insane to be excited about a battle to the point where you discuss it like a fun trip to the amusement park.."
I then got this image of BlunderClan all convening on a roller coaster that turns out to be a death trap. Bliss.
"What?"
wot wot?
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Post by Cloud on Jan 6, 2010 0:12:20 GMT -5
A Return to the Past
Oh, wait, sorry, forgot to do the actual weird Tiger incident. /ditsy
After re-reading the entire thing, I realized apparently Tigerstar DID just appear in the forest on the patrol. Not that this is unusual, but it hasn’t happened for a while.
“Was that what being a warrior meant?”
Almost killing cats in gory battles where the sun goes out for a bit? No.
““I have no patience for Hawkfrost’s sneering. He thinks you actually believe this prophecy.”
Well, Lionpaw does.
“But I know you’re too smart to believe Firestar’s mouse-brained dreams.”
-snorts- Nope, sorry. Smartness out of order in Failstar’s descendants.
“Tigerstar’s eyes blazed like fire.”
The Dark Forest: Join now and get 40% off on our Glowing Eyeballs feature!
“..anger flaring in his belly.”
Distress signal! Sound the alarms!
“What did the dark warrior want from him, if he didn’t want the power of the stars?”
Um..how would he get the power of the stars from you? (Not that you have the powers of stars anyway. If Tigerstar wished to turn himself into a gassy ball of fire in space I don’t think he’d be able to do it.) However, if he wanted your powers, how would he get them from you? Kill you and rip them from your body somehow? I don’t think so. What use would they be to him, anyway? He doesn’t have to fight anyone if he doesn’t want to and his own skills are advanced enough, and he’s already more powerful than StarClan. What more does he need?
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