ICEFANG

[riro44]

Role player| Riro
_____

Name| Icefang

Gender| Tom

Physical Description|

Icefang is a large cat with a thick and stocky build. His head is wide, his legs thick but close to the ground, and his the shape of sturdy muscles bulge through his pelt. Icefang has a gray colored coat with a single white splotch near his cheek. His fur is thin and short and sticks down to his sides. His ears are large and take up most of his head, and his tail is thin and short. Icefang has bright green eyes.

Views|

Icefang is a con and does not think that the clans should get back together. He thinks that it would make cats soft and if they could eat prey from a pile that they did not catch themselves or sleep in groups of cats that would hide them from most dangers. He thinks that cats would grow to be to dependent on one another. But most of all, Icefang would not want to follow some word of a leader, who could be a fool, and have to do what he says.

Kin|

Mudpatch | Mother | Deceased
Dappledpelt | Father | Deceased
Silverstorm | Sister

History|

Icefang is the oldest of the two in his mother's litter and Silverstorm was born a few seconds after. Icefang was named because of his ice gray, almost blue, pelt and fang because of his agression. Icefang was a happy kit and he sometimes played with his sister, but most of all, he liked his father. Icefang listened to all of his tips and loved to go hunting with him, and Icefang didn't really care about his mother or sister. After hearing his parents tell him that they should learn how to take care of themselves, Icefang left the family and tried to hunt and survive by himself, without ever learning how to first. After a few days of missing all the prey and starving, Icefang came back to his family, to see that it had uickly detererated. His mother had died and his father had left poor Silverstorm all by herself. Icefang ran to his father's side and begged for him to teach him how to hunt and fight, and his father said yes. After that, Icefang lived with his father and tried to forget about Silverstorm. Now that his father is dead, Icefang lives all by himself.

Picture|

[Ten]

"and his muscles show through his pelt."
--
This makes him sound see-through.


"his pads are rough and scraped from all the use."
--
As opposed to cats who don't walk and have soft pads...?


"that thye did" <-- they?


"or sleep in dens that would hide them from most dangers that they did not build themselves."
--
Dens? Made of what?


"grow to be to dependable in one another." <-- grow to be dependent on one another?


"But most of all, Icefang would not want to follow some word of a leader and have to do what he says, who could be a fool."
--
The syntax here is a little strange, and the appositive "who could be a fool" needs to come right after leader or he.


"Icefang is the oldest of the two in his mother's litter and Silverstorm was born a few seconds after, but because of that, Icefang feels like he is better than his sister."
--
He wouldn't be able to know that.


"fang because of his long fangs."
--
His fangs or long? Did his parents inspect his teeth like dentists?
Fang, as a suffix, can show skill or aggression.


"Icefang was a happy long kit"
--
...long?


"He would listen to his word and follow his every command,"
--
Sounds like he'd be okay with having a leader.


"and he didn't really care about his mother or sister."
--
Because his father didn't?


"After hearing his parents tell him that they should learn how to take care of themselves, Icefang left the family and tried to hunt and survive by himself,"
--
Why hadn't they already started teaching him, if he was able to wander off? Didn't they go after him?

[riro44]

"This makes him sound see-through."
--
I changed the wording around a bit.


"As opposed to cats who don't walk and have soft pads...?"
--
True. I took that whole part out.


"Dens? Made of what?"
--
-slaps- Took that out.


"The syntax here is a little strange, and the appositive "who could be a fool" needs to come right after leader or he."
--
Ok, changed the wording.


"He wouldn't be able to know that."
--
His parents told him.


"Fang, as a suffix, can show skill or aggression."
--
Ok, edited that part so that he was named after his aggression.


"...long?"
--
I don't know what is wrong with me. I took long out.


"Sounds like he'd be okay with having a leader."
--
True. I modified it so that he just likes his father.


"Because his father didn't?"
--
Yeah.


"Why hadn't they already started teaching him, if he was able to wander off? Didn't they go after him?"
--
They had already started teaching him, but he wasnt fully done learning.
They did go after him, but Icefang refused to come back.



I also modified all the typos.

[Ten]

"-slaps-"
--
/slap'd. o.o


"His parents told him."
--
How'd he get such an attitude about it?


"I modified it so that he just likes his father."
--
Wouldn't he like a cat that was like his father?


"They did go after him, but Icefang refused to come back."
--
Come back to where? It's not like they had a little house.

[riro44]

"How'd he get such an attitude about it?"
--
Hmm, I was only semi-sure I wanted that part, I will take it out.


"Wouldn't he like a cat that was like his father?"
--
In his eyes, his father is a one-of-a-kind.


"Come back to where? It's not like they had a little house."
--
Um, he refused to live with the family again.

[Ten]

"In his eyes, his father is a one-of-a-kind."
--
What qualities does he like him for?
Couldn't those qualities show up in another cat?


"Um, he refused to live with the family again."
--
Meaning...?

[riro44]

"What qualities does he like him for?"
--
He likes how his father takes care of him and is calm.


"Couldn't those qualities show up in another cat?"
--
No other cat would love him as much as his father did.


"Meaning...?"
--
That he wouldn't hunt with them or anything, because he wanted to try all by himself first.

[Ten]

"No other cat would love him as much as his father did."
--
Of course. But wouldn't he look up to a calm, caring cat?



"That he wouldn't hunt with them or anything,"
--
Or anything, meaning?


"because he wanted to try all by himself first."
--
Hunting what all by himself? Lizards and bugs?
...Did his parents try to hunt a single cricket as a group?

[riro44]

"Of course. But wouldn't he look up to a calm, caring cat?"
--
Not really.


"Or anything, meaning?"
--
He wouldn't live with them, like as a family.


"Hunting what all by himself? Lizards and bugs?
...Did his parents try to hunt a single cricket as a group?"
--
No, I mean he wanted to teach himself.

[Ten]

"Not really."
--
Why not? Did his father brainwash him to trust no one but him?


"He wouldn't live with them, like as a family."
--
Now you're going in circles.
What do you mean by "live with them"?


"No, I mean he wanted to teach himself."
--
I'm not convinced their well-meaning advice could persuade him to starve himself.
What else was there to it?