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Post by Ten on Sept 1, 2010 19:17:10 GMT -5
"She grew up to be like the climate of her birth;" <-- if you want to use a semicolon here, then you need a subject noun or pronoun in the other, following half.
"When she was 5 seasons old, her father was bitten by a rat on the neck, and died the following night. Sablestream and her sister grieved deeply for him. She was never very close to her mother Paleheart,"
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I don't know how to put this into words, but there's something about Her father died, and she and her sister were sad, but they didn't like their mom that seems jarring. Maybe you could talk about her mother before her father dies? When somebody's reading a history like this, the order in which they read the information becomes the order in which things happen in their head, so it's like the mother's attitude was never there until it popped up during a time of grief... which, for all I know, could be what happened (the grief triggering her unpleasant demeanor, that is) but it sounds more like a last minute add-on.
"Paleheart acted like she was better than Sablestream, Beigeheart, and Spidertail. She also kept on pointing out the negative things about them, and Sablestream found that quite annoying and hurtful."
"quite like the storm, icy and indifferent like her father."
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If she's indifferent, then she wouldn't care about what her mother says. Or was it that she's indifferent to everyone else except her mother? What sort of things would her mother say -- an example of a negative thing she'd point out?
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Nefeli
Apprentice
[M:125]
Not that it would matter... Nefeli always acts drunk.%\2\%
Posts: 131
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Post by Nefeli on Sept 18, 2010 12:45:17 GMT -5
"if you want to use a semicolon here, then you need a subject noun or pronoun in the other, following half. "
-x-
alright, fixed.
"I don't know how to put this into words, but there's something about Her father died, and she and her sister were sad, but they didn't like their mom that seems jarring. Maybe you could talk about her mother before her father dies? When somebody's reading a history like this, the order in which they read the information becomes the order in which things happen in their head, so it's like the mother's attitude was never there until it popped up during a time of grief... which, for all I know, could be what happened (the grief triggering her unpleasant demeanor, that is) but it sounds more like a last minute add-on."
-x-
hm. I have moved that.
"If she's indifferent, then she wouldn't care about what her mother says. Or was it that she's indifferent to everyone else except her mother? What sort of things would her mother say -- an example of a negative thing she'd point out?"
-x-
hmmm.. Changed. She'd point out and "rub in" all the negative things about Sablestream, such as her bad sense of smell, and rarely praising her about good things, like when she catches a large piece of prey.
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Post by Ten on Sept 18, 2010 13:20:19 GMT -5
"She'd point out and "rub in" all the negative things about Sablestream, such as her bad sense of smell, and rarely praising her about good things, like when she catches a large piece of prey."
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If she could catch a big piece of prey, how'd her mother know about the bad sense of smell?
"She grew up to be like the climate of her birth; Sablestream is like the storm, icy and indifferent like her father."
"She also kept on pointing out the negative things about them, and Sablestream found that quite annoying and hurtful."
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So is she only indifferent to cats who aren't her mother? Why the difference?
"She was never very close to her mother Paleheart, for she did not like her mother's bossy, superior ways."
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Was her father humble and lenient?
"Paleheart acted like she was better than Sablestream, Beigeheart, and Spidertail."
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How so?
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Nefeli
Apprentice
[M:125]
Not that it would matter... Nefeli always acts drunk.%\2\%
Posts: 131
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Post by Nefeli on Sept 27, 2010 21:34:58 GMT -5
"If she could catch a big piece of prey, how'd her mother know about the bad sense of smell?" x-- She knew from when Sablestream couldn't scent the fainter smells like her sister and father. "So is she only indifferent to cats who aren't her mother? Why the difference?" x-- I kind of rewrote part of her history.
Sablestream's mother was a con and her father the same. She was born on a cold, rainy day in the dark season. She grew up to be like the climate of her birth; Sablestream is like the storm, icy and fierce like her father. Unlike Spidertail, however, Sablestream has a friendly and kind side, most likely from her grandmother's family. She's also really gullible.
[/blockquote] [/quote] "Was her father humble and lenient?" x-- well, more than her mother. "How so?" x-- It was the way she said things.. |
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Post by Ten on Sept 28, 2010 18:00:55 GMT -5
"She knew from when Sablestream couldn't scent the fainter smells like her sister and father."
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Her sister and father have faint smells? x)
So it'd be like...
Papa: Do you smell that cat's markings over there?
Sister: Yeah.
Sable: uh, no.
...like that? Was she raised to always be truthful and always speak up?
"Sablestream is like the storm, icy and fierce like her father. Unlike Spidertail, however, Sablestream has a friendly and kind side, most likely from her grandmother's family. She's also really gullible."
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Who do you mean by "her grandmother's family" (which cats)?
What triggered each side of her? If she's friendly and kind most of the time but only fierce when someone really ticks her off, then the storm analogy doesn't fit the bulk of her.
And gullible? Is that new? What caused her to be gullible?
"well, more than her mother."
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Is that a no?
"It was the way she said things.."
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How'd she say them?
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Nefeli
Apprentice
[M:125]
Not that it would matter... Nefeli always acts drunk.%\2\%
Posts: 131
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Post by Nefeli on Oct 4, 2010 22:01:51 GMT -5
Her sister and father have faint smells? x)
So it'd be like...
Papa: Do you smell that cat's markings over there?
Sister: Yeah.
Sable: uh, no.
...like that? Was she raised to always be truthful and always speak up?
x--
xD No, like the faint smells of cats who'd been somewhere earlier. And yes, she was raised to be a truth-teller.
Who do you mean by "her grandmother's family" (which cats)?
x--
Her grandmother and her siblings, and most of her grandmother's kids. Except Spidertail.
What triggered each side of her? If she's friendly and kind most of the time but only fierce when someone really ticks her off, then the storm analogy doesn't fit the bulk of her.
x--
hm. Alright. Changed.
And gullible? Is that new? What caused her to be gullible?
x--
well, she wasn't lied to or tricked much when she was a kit.
"well, more than her mother."
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Is that a no?
"It was the way she said things.."
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How'd she say them?
[/quote]
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Post by Ten on Oct 6, 2010 17:49:29 GMT -5
"No, like the faint smells of cats who'd been somewhere earlier."
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Did that ever come up in conversation?
"And yes, she was raised to be a truth-teller."
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One can be truthful without drawing attention to certain details.
Does she speak up about most things, even minute ones?
"Her grandmother and her siblings, and most of her grandmother's kids. Except Spidertail."
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So you're implying that she got her kind side from her grandmother's part of the family?
"hm. Alright. Changed."
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...to?
"well, she wasn't lied to or tricked much"
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Much? That implies she has been, which would develop some distrust.
You forgot to answer the other two questions.
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