Goldenstream

[nikki]

Some cats were like this, not like this, or something else? A generalization would summarize what the majority tends to be like. I'm thinking what you had wasn't a generalization.
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I see what you mean. I'll change it and then see what you think.

There isn't any Older Experienced Warrior club that refuses to hunt with the youth.
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Well, Goldenstream just assumes that there are probably other warriors with more skill than her that would be better for a hunting partner than her. (I'll put what I just said in.)

...as opposed to hunting alone. Are you talking about hunting rats or hunting something else?
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I'm not exactly sure, but I think rats. (My mind's boggled at the moment.)

Maybe she went on a bathroom break. Why didn't Goldenstream go look for her?
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I'll put it in.

[Ten]

"She has a large white mark starting at the top of where her two eyes meet."
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This makes it sound like her eyeballs touch.


"She is perfectly happy with the situation that she has lived with most of her whole life;" <-- colon or dash


"She doesn't want to have to care for others if they don't do anything for her."
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What about if they did do something for her?


"And what if a leader should abuse the power of being leader?"
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This sounds redundant; just say "power".


"She and her sister were taught to hunt and fight by their mother."
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Or, in active tense, "Their mother taught she and her sister to hunt and fight."


"Yellowfur often paid more attention to Lightstorm because of her strength," <-- no comma

Is Goldenstream a runt?


"Her mother scarcely noticed Goldenstream's hard work,"
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You just said this.


"a couple of rats."
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More than one? How and why were they hunting more than one rat at once?


"Goldenstream was wary at first, wondering why she should hunt with this cat."
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Rats or something else? If rats, then she's being silly. You have to hunt rats with someone. If something else, then that's not something you'd need another's help for.


"Goldenstream began to notice that she was doing most of the work, while Whitetail didn't even lift a claw."
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If Whitetail's not lifting a claw, then Goldenstream's doing all, not most.


"Goldenstream searched for Whitetail, and after awhile," <-- a while


"But Whitetail treated her with hostility and indifference," <-- no comma


"Goldenstream knew she wouldn't win this battle, as she was getting thin from hunger."
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She was? A moment ago she was catching enough food for two cats.


"So she reluctantly went away, filled with pure hatred. And thats" <-- that's


"But she just had taken prey without doing hardly anything."
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Hardly? How about "anything in return"?


"She also doesn't let her emotions show,"
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Not even anger?
It's good that you've developed her character this much, but I'm thinking about how much conflict she'll conduct. If she's passive and keeps her opinions to herself, it could be a problem.