Goldenstream

[nikki]

Why? As I just explained, she would care for the one more likely to live, and spending time on a runt (a) could be a waste of time if it ends up dying and (b) subtracts from the amount of care she can give to the strong one, meaning they both might die.
--x
So should I change the history completely? Or just the characters?

You can either measure it in days or be vague and say something like "a while later".
--x
Mm. Okay then.

Like what?
--x
Places to hunt, unclaimed territory, info about other cats, etc.

Didn't you say earlier that she was untrusting after leaving her family?
--x
I changed that a bit. She was untrusting after she met Whitetail

Why attack when she could just ditch?
--x
Alrighty.

Something about the way you phrased this is funny. Ignore this if you'd like.
--x
I tried another wording.

anything
--x
Mmkay.

What softness?
--x
Reworded it.

[Ten]

"So should I change the history completely? Or just the characters?"
--
It's at your discretion.


"Places to hunt,"
--
Everywhere is a place to hunt.


"unclaimed territory,"
--
Isn't it obvious that the unclaimed territory is everywhere that doesn't have a cat patrolling it?


"info about other cats,"
--
Like what?

[nikki]

It's at your discretion.
--x
Mmkay... I shall change it.

Everywhere is a place to hunt.
--x
I mean, the places that are usually filled with prey more than others.

Isn't it obvious that the unclaimed territory is everywhere that doesn't have a cat patrolling it?
--x
Mm. I guess so... -headdesk-

Like what?
--x
Like their opinions on things, their personalities, etc.

And by the way, do you think this applications going to be one of the ones that takes seven pages to get accepted? XDD

[Ten]

"I mean, the places that are usually filled with prey more than others."
--
What distinguishes one place from another?


"Like their opinions on things, their personalities, etc."
--
How would this be of use to her?


"And by the way, do you think this applications going to be one of the ones that takes seven pages to get accepted?"
--
I can never tell. It all depends on you.

[nikki]

What distinguishes one place from another?
--x
Maybe a landmark? Hmmm. I'll come up with another reason.

How would this be of use to her?
--x
Again, I'll come up with another reason.

I can never tell. It all depends on you.
--x
Good point. XP

Oh yes, I'm kind of at a friend's house so I'll edit this once I get home.

[Ten]

"Maybe a landmark?"
--
Like what? What would make hunting easier or better in one area over another?


"once I get home"
--
mmkay; let me know when you've done that.

[nikki]

Okay, so here's what I did, I re-read over the Whitetail thing and realized it was choppy. So I attempted to re-word and change the story a little bit to make it more... sensible.

[Ten]

"Yellowfur often paid more attention to Lightstorm because of her strength," <-- no comma

"and more likeliness"
--
higher likelihood?


"So, Yellowfur was very impatient with Goldenstream because of her want for attention."
--
But before this you hadn't mentioned any desire for attention or that the favoritism caused it.


"Hunting, combat training, whatever it was, her mother always praised Lightstorm, while Goldenstream got a rare 'good'. Goldenstream worked very hard to get her mother to notice her, impatient that her mother wouldn't notice"
--
But you say she did notice.


"Her mother never did notice her hard work,"
--
Then those "good"s wouldn't be rare, they'd be nonexistant.


"and Goldenstream lived with it in silence."
--
So she stopped seeking attention?


"The rats gave"
--
Unless they gave them after the cats were dead, put "had given". Wait... more than one rat?


"Awhile" <-- a while?


"Most cats she had met were territorial, welcoming"
--
So you're not really narrowing it down to anything, are you?


"She was pleasant enough," <-- no comma


"Goldenstream was wary at first, wondering why she should hunt with this cat."
--
Had she never hunted rats with strangers before?


"Whitetail insisted that they would gather more prey faster and easier if they worked together."
--
...is this not talking about a rat hunt, then? Did they hunt one lizard at the same time?


"hadn't been feeling well lately," <-- no comma


"But the next day when Goldenstream woke up, Whitetail wasn't there."
--
Where'd she go?


"She had remembered"
--
Before that moment, or at that moment? If the latter, remove "had".


I don't remember in detail what your narrative about Whitetail used to be, but this seems much better.

[nikki]

But before this you hadn't mentioned any desire for attention or that the favoritism caused it.
--x
Mm, fixed...?

But you say she did notice.
--x
Tried to rephrase it.

Then those "good"s wouldn't be rare, they'd be nonexistent.
--x
Changed it.

So she stopped seeking attention?
--x
Yes. However, she was still irrationally angry whenever Lightstorm got praise (past, present, and future). So she let her anger out when training to fight, but not seeking attention from her mother.

Unless they gave them after the cats were dead, put "had given". Wait... more than one rat?
--x
Alrighty. (To the had given.)

"Awhile" <-- a while?
--
fixedd.

So you're not really narrowing it down to anything, are you?
--x
Not really, it's supposed to be somewhat of a generalization.

"She was pleasant enough," <-- no comma
--x
Sorry, I abuse commas.

"Goldenstream was wary at first, wondering why she should hunt with this cat."
--
Had she never hunted rats with strangers before?
--x
She had, but she wasn't sure why an older, experienced warrior would want to hunt with her, as she was still somewhat new to living on her own in the edifice.

...is this not talking about a rat hunt, then? Did they hunt one lizard at the same time?
--x
So, Goldenstream was still unsure if she should hunt with Whitetail, so Whitetail's giving her a reason to hunt with her. That they would gather prey faster and easier if they worked together...

"hadn't been feeling well lately," <-- no comma
--x
Abusiveness of comas... Heh, fixed.

Where'd she go?
--x
She just left Goldenstream. To somewhere else in the edifice. Because Goldenstream had figured out that Whitetail had slowly done less work while getting the same amount of food as Goldenstream did, while Goldenstream had did more work.

Before that moment, or at that moment? If the latter, remove "had".
--x
? At that moment? I possibly fixed it?

I don't remember in detail what your narrative about Whitetail used to be, but this seems much better.
--x
Thank you.

[Ten]

"it's supposed to be somewhat of a generalization."
--
Some cats were like this, not like this, or something else? A generalization would summarize what the majority tends to be like. I'm thinking what you had wasn't a generalization.


"She had, but she wasn't sure why an older, experienced warrior would want to hunt with her,"
--
There isn't any Older Experienced Warrior club that refuses to hunt with the youth.


"That they would gather prey faster and easier"
--
...as opposed to hunting alone. Are you talking about hunting rats or hunting something else?


"To somewhere else in the edifice."
--
Maybe she went on a bathroom break. Why didn't Goldenstream go look for her?


"...while Goldenstream had did more work."
--
Yes, I understand.