Owlpelt

[Thistle]

Actually, cats here don't know about those kinds of birds, I think. Unless some Elf owls managed to sneak in the gaps. :3

[Ten]

Owlstripes? Why is stripes plural?
Neither Brown nor Owl are taken at the moment, but I'm not sure if they would come in contact with owls... burrowing owls, perhaps.

[ravyn]

so is 'owl' accepted??

And i will change the plural.

Owlpelt...
maybe??

Or maybe Branch, if it's ok with you.

[Ten]

Owlpelt works, yes, and so would Branchpelt.


"He sees with light yellow" <-- light-yellow


"a soft white chest" <-- soft, white?


"Doing warrior duties, mate a nice she-cat and mentor some apprentices. And when he's too old he becomes an elder" <-- comma
--
You're using several different tenses here. It should either be doing, mating, mentoring, or do, mate, mentor. Something about the second sentence seems off... I'm thinking the become an elder and die should be in future tense ("will become an elder, then die").


"like organizing patrols well and keeping them alive happily."
--
What does keeping them alive entail?


"Like bringing peace to the Clan. (had listed it in the last few sentences."
--
Is this something you forgot to delete, or am I not seeing how it ties in?


You say he wants an ordinary life and a leader, implying he wants the Clan to reform, but not outright stating it. That is what he wants, right? You should clarify why.


"In his past times" <-- In the past?


"He would snap at cats and get mad easily. But as he grew and met more cats he began to smooth himself out. .... And when he got old enough, Barktail became an apprentice and to a proud and loyal warrior."
--
So all his quick-temper was just when he was a kit?
You describe Brownpelt as a loyal warrior. Whom is he loyal to?


"Brownpelt had mentored him."
--
Why is the "had" there?


"Brownpelt was Barktail's father."
--
You can say that in the Kin section.


"But sadly, he died of sickness."
--
What effect did that have on his son?

[ravyn]

sTaRrrzies (lolwhat? the censors gotcha).
I have 100 mistakes in just one small paragraph... o.o;


I fixed EVERY single thing you mentioned.

[Ten]

Almost. When I ask questions, though, please write answers in your post.


"Doing warrior duties, mate and mentor. And when he's too old he will become an elder, then dies."
--
I think you misunderstood what I was saying about these sentences. The verbs need to be in the same tense. For example, "Doing warrior duties, mating a she-cat, and mentoring apprentices. And when he's too old he will become and elder, then die." or "Do warrior duties, mate a she-cat, and mentor an apprentice. And when he's too old he will become an elder, then die."


When you edit a sentence, look at how it fits into the whole paragraph.

"He thinks that there has to be a leader to stop cats from fighting and make smart decisions like organizing patrols well and make them have a good life, for example, bringing peace to the Clan."
--
Isn't stopping cats from fighting the same as bringing peace?


"when you build loyalty you start to understand the meaning of the word,'together.'"
--
But why is that important?


"he learned crying over a lifeless cat was stupid."
--
That sounds rather heartless.


"So now, Branchfur isn't stuck in his mind anymore."
--
What do you mean?