Shadownose

[sunset]

Role player| Sunset
_____

Picture

Name| Shadownose

Gender| Tom

Physical Description| Standing a good tail-length from the ground, this tom is tall. He’s got the legs of a runner and uses them to the best of his ability. He’s not keen on rocky slopes, though where he lives, that’s hard to find. He’s marked with sorrel and white around his eyes and also on the bridge of his nose. White starts at his maw and mixes its way out into a pleasant and warm sorrel-ish color. His nose is a dark russet. The ends of his short ears are lined with dull-golden fur, though it fades into the common dark gray of his ear fur. His pelt is mainly gray, but is lined with black streaks, like your usual tabby. His paws are all white, along with the tip of his tail. Also, he’s got a thin circle of white on his underbelly, just visible when standing eye to eye with him, if that's possible, as he is taller than most cats. His eyes are nothing special, just a darker sort of yellow-green than most, though they blaze brightly in the sunshine. Although, when he should ever see the sun in more than tiny rays from cracks, he’ll never know.


His tail is long, his claws are sharp, and he’s got a thin frame. His face is broad, as are his shoulders, but he’s got a good pair of legs, and his paws are small and nimble. That’s a horribly unfortunate trait, for his paws sink deep into the sand when he’s not paying attention and stands still for to long. He doesn’t mind though, as he’s taken a liking to the stones and boulders he finds around the areas. Against the gripping, cold sand, he’d prefer the solid surface over something completely unpredictable.

Views| Being born at a troubled time for his family, and doing his best to understand both sides of their stories, he does not believe the tales the elders tell of RiverClan. There’s no doubt in his mind that whoever any cat picks as leader will simply deceive that poor cat and leave it to die with no remorse. He does, however, believe that there is a way out. There has to be something outside of the horribly sandy, dreadful place he calls home. He’s often tried to leap high enough to snag a paw in one of the cracks and drag himself through, but never has he been small enough, or it was just a simple matter that he couldn’t jump high enough.

He’s always, however, believed in his own little group of cats that have died. Including two cats, and that’s all. Though, he hardly would want to remember their names.

He does like the sound of a clan forming. Or that a clan had ever been here in the first place.

Kin| Sandtail- Father, was killed with rats, along with Tawnyclaw(deceased)
Tawnyclaw- Mother, who was killed, along with Sandtail, by a pack of rats(deceased)

History| Shadownose got his name from the markings on his pelt and how dark his fur was, compared to the other kit in the litter, who soon died after birth. And it seemed to fit him for much longer than that, as he gained a sort of quiet personality. He never had been fond of attention.

His parents were successful in killing a litter of baby rats but were attacked in the process by the mother, both cats dying sometime later from infections.

Shadowkit simply went to stay with his friend Sorrelpaw's family. His parents had known the group of cats, and seemed to trust them before they died. Shadowkit wasn't quite sure he fit in though, seeing as Sorrelkit's father never really liked him.


Eventually, Shadowkit was named Shadowpaw, and he was trained, along with Sorrelpaw and her sisters, by his Sorrelpaw's parents. He did his best, and, though it took long enough, he was awarded his warrior name. He’s still proud of it now. Shadownose, for his good hunting skill, no matter how little prey there was. He always seemed to bring in the most out of any of the other apprentices.


From then, things took a huge downfall. Sorreltail, who had received her warrior name, had taken a liking to Shadownose. But, strangely, she had been promised to another tom, Blacktail. Sorrelpaw's parents were friends with another group of cats, who'd made arrangements for their son to be mated with Sorrelpaw. It seemed a good way to unite the family, which seemed a good idea at the time, with all of the hardships. Seeing as Blacktail wanted the pretty little she-cat all to himself, he did his best to kill Shadownose. From trying to lure bloodthirsty cats to where the shadowy tom slept, until he finally attacked him. They fought, but Shadownose won, without killing the other tom. Blacktail simply couldn’t take it, seeming to loose his mind. He attacked Sorreltail's family, and there was a horribly brutal mess after he was done. Sorreltail’s mother had been killed, along with the small, pretty sorrel colored she-cat herself. He was shunned from the family for this, thanks to Sorreltail's father, who said that if he’d left earlier, both of them would still be alive.


Shadownose left as soon as possible, and can now be found wandering around the territory, muttering to himself. It’s not often someone tries to make friends with an ‘insane’ cat… He's only try to find a way out of the hell he’d been born into and fight off the feeling of doom that had settled on his shoulders.

[/blockquote]

[Gosh]

Name/Physical Description -
See below (around the very beginning of the history problems); you cannot step shadowly, can you?

Hm...I'm not sure if there are any problems with the physical description, so I'll leave that for Ten to figure out. xP

Views -

"he’s come to find that he doesn’t believe in this ‘Starclan’, nor in the group of cats that were called ‘Riverclan’."

No one believes in StarClan, so you might want to reword this to something like 'He does not believe the tales the elders tell of RiverClan.'

"He does, however, believe that there is a way out."

So he's insane?

"Also, he’s never want to be leader of anything."

Since he doesn't like leaders, this is obvious.

Also, though he does not support a leader, does he support the idea of a Clan? Normally I'd assume that he doesn't, but ever since Patchfur....

Kin
"Sorrelpaw- Kit-hood friend, who was killed by torture (deceased)"

Since she's not really kin, I'm not sure if she belongs here, and if she does, shouldn't you present her with her actual warrior name, since it was given to her?

History

"Shadowstep got his name from the markings on his pelt, and how dark his fur was, "

The prefix is derived from how dark his fur is, I get that, but step doesn't work with shadow. Here's why:

It only works if the cat steps like the prefix. Whitestep does not mean the cat has white paws. Whitestep means the cat steps whitely, which doesn't work. If you want to show white paws, use the name Whitefoot. However, the cat must have a majority of white fur in order to have been named Whitekit.

The step suffix works with most animal prefixes (Shrew, Crow) and some adjective prefixes (Big, Small).

This is from a warrior name guide written by Ten. You can find it at
www.neopets.com/~warriornames

"And, it seemed to fit him for much longer than that, as he gained a sort of mysterious, quiet personality. But, that had nothing to do with anything,"

I think his personality has to do with a lot of things. ;3

"Anyways, his parents were killed by rats"

The anyways sounds kind of iffy to me.

"But, he simply went to stay with his friends’ family, Sorrelpaw."

I think this sentence could be better said like this:
But, he simply went to stay with his friend Sorrelpaw's family.

Also, how did he meet this Sorrelpaw? Were her parents friends of his, or what?

"They still seemed to believe in whatever this strange ‘Starclan’ was,"

Again, no one does now.

"by his current guardians (Trained by Sorrelpaw’s parents and relatives, seeing as they’re all very close). "

You could just say 'by Sorrelpaw's parents.'

"and of what it ment to him."

Meant. :3

"But, strangely, she had been promised to another tom."

Who "promised" her, and why?

"Seeing as this tom wanted to pretty little she-cat all to himself"

The, not to (:

"From trying to lure rats over to where the shadowy tom slept,"

How did he do this?

"clear until he finally attacked him."

What do you mean by 'clear'?

"They fought, but Shadowstep won."

This could imply that Shadowstep killed him.

"He attacked the other cats,"

What other cats?

"He was shunned from the family for this, saying that if he’d left earlier, both of them would still be alive."

If he's been with them since he was a kit, surely they wouldn't be that cold to him?

[Ten]

In addition to what Gosh posted--

"He’s not keen to" <-- keen on?


"Just big ol’ boulders to go and hide behind when a swarm of rats, or even one on it’s own, passes by."
--
He hides from rats?


"The creatures aren’t his favorite."
--
How is this physical description?


"He’s marked with sorrel/white around his eyes,"
--
So is it sorrel or is it white? Or both?


"The ends of his sort ears" <-- short?

"are lined with dull golden fur, though fades" <-- it fades?


"His pelt is lined with black, and is mainly a gray, ranging from light to dark. His paws are all white, along with the tip of his tail."
--
So... he's a gray mackerel tabby? You list a lot of small details that cloud the overall image.


"Also, he’s got a thin circle of white on his underbelly, just visible when standing eye to eye with him, if possible."
--
What do you mean, "if possible"?


"There’s no doubt in his mind that, who ever" <-- no comma; whoever


"Willowtail"
--
How would they know about Willows?


"Willowtail- Father, was killed with rats, along with Tawnyclaw(deceased)
Tawnyclaw- Mother, who was killed, along with Willowtail, by a pack of rats(deceased)
Sorrelpaw- Kit-hood friend, who was killed by torture (deceased)"
--
You can talk about what happened to them in the History.
Friends aren't kin.


"And, it seemed to fit him for much longer than that, as he gained a sort of mysterious, quiet personality."
--
What does he do that is myserious?


"But, that had nothing to do with anything,"
--
If that's what you think, then don't include it.


"Perhaps, that was the reason he got so shady,"
--
The History is an explanation, not an advertisement hook.


"hissing to himself"
--
What?


"Anyways, his parents were killed by rats, who they successfully killed before the rats could get to Shadowkit."
--
This makes it sound like the parents died and then killed the rats.


"There were only two of them, but his parents both died sometime later, both from infections in their many wounds."
--
Why and how were they hunting a pair of rats?


"Really tragic."
--
Is this meant to sound sardonic?


"But, he simply went to stay with his friends’ family, Sorrelpaw."
--
This makes it sound like the family was Sorrelpaw, not the friend.
So he was still a kit at this stage?


"Eventually, Shadowkit was named Shadowpaw, and he was trained, along with Sorrelpaw and her sisters, by his current guardians (Trained by Sorrelpaw’s parents and relatives, seeing as they’re all very close)."
--
You could make this more concise by changing it to "his current guardians (Sorrelpaw's relatives)".


"He’s still proud of it now, and of what it ment to him." <-- no comma
--
What did it mean to him?


"Shadowstep, for his good hunting skill"
--
How do you figure that?


"He always seemed to bring in the most of any of the other apprentices."
--
Out of any, you mean?
So he caught the most lizards?


"But, strangely, she had been promised to another tom."
--
Why?


"Seeing as this tom"
--
It'd be convenient if you gave him a name.


"From trying to lure rats over to where the shadowy tom slept,"
--
In hopes of what?
Normal rats don't just throw themselves at cats.


"Shadowstep left as soon as possible,"
--
Meaning he avoids them?


"Most don’t mind him, though don’t try to talk to him, or even get close."
--
Don't control characters which are not your own.


"It’s not often someone tries to make friends with an ‘insane’ cat… but he’s really only trying to find a way out."
--
Which is all insanity entails.
Also, I suggest you combine the last sentence with this one using an appositive.

[sunset]

Name/Physical Description -
See below (around the very beginning of the history problems); you cannot step shadowly, can you?

Hm...I'm not sure if there are any problems with the physical description, so I'll leave that for Ten to figure out. XP
Fixed

Views -

"he’s come to find that he doesn’t believe in this ‘Starclan’, nor in the group of cats that were called ‘Riverclan’."

No one believes in StarClan, so you might want to reword this to something like 'He does not believe the tales the elders tell of RiverClan.'
Thanks

"He does, however, believe that there is a way out."

So he's insane?
Yes. I could put it in clearer words, but that’s the definition of insane on this site so…

"Also, he’s never want to be leader of anything."

Since he doesn't like leaders, this is obvious.
Just wanted to make it more obvious.

Also, though he does not support a leader, does he support the idea of a Clan? Normally I'd assume that he doesn't, but ever since Patchfur....
No, he does not support the idea of a clan.
Kin
"Sorrelpaw- Kit-hood friend, who was killed by torture (deceased)"

Since she's not really kin, I'm not sure if she belongs here, and if she does, shouldn't you present her with her actual warrior name, since it was given to her?
Fixed

History

"Shadowstep got his name from the markings on his pelt, and how dark his fur was, "

The prefix is derived from how dark his fur is, I get that, but step doesn't work with shadow. Here's why:


Quote:
It only works if the cat steps like the prefix. Whitestep does not mean the cat has white paws. Whitestep means the cat steps whitely, which doesn't work. If you want to show white paws, use the name Whitefoot. However, the cat must have a majority of white fur in order to have been named Whitekit.The step suffix works with most animal prefixes (Shrew, Crow) and some adjective prefixes (Big, Small).



This is from a warrior name guide written by Ten. You can find it at
www.neopets.com/~warriornames
Yup. Fixed.

"And, it seemed to fit him for much longer than that, as he gained a sort of mysterious, quiet personality. But, that had nothing to do with anything,"

I think his personality has to do with a lot of things. ;3
But do kits really show their personality at birth? I dunno…

"Anyways, his parents were killed by rats"

The anyways sounds kind of iffy to me.
Why? Rats were fierce, and they sTaRrrzies (lolwhat? the censors gotcha) them off somehow.(?)

"But, he simply went to stay with his friends’ family, Sorrelpaw."

I think this sentence could be better said like this:
But, he simply went to stay with his friend Sorrelpaw's family.
Yes, that does sound a lot better.

Also, how did he meet this Sorrelpaw? Were her parents friends of his, or what?
I’ll have to add something about that.

"They still seemed to believe in whatever this strange ‘Starclan’ was,"

Again, no one does now.


"by his current guardians (Trained by Sorrelpaw’s parents and relatives, seeing as they’re all very close). "

You could just say 'by Sorrelpaw's parents.'
Thanks.

"and of what it ment to him."

Meant. :3

"But, strangely, she had been promised to another tom."

Who "promised" her, and why?
Fixed.

"Seeing as this tom wanted to pretty little she-cat all to himself"

The, not to (:

"From trying to lure rats over to where the shadowy tom slept,"

How did he do this?
Fixed. I hope. I don’t know.

"clear until he finally attacked him."

What do you mean by 'clear'?
Sorry.

"They fought, but Shadowstep won."

This could imply that Shadowstep killed him.

"He attacked the other cats,"

What other cats?
Fixed.

"He was shunned from the family for this, saying that if he’d left earlier, both of them would still be alive."

If he's been with them since he was a kit, surely they wouldn't be that cold to him?

People change… and um… I added a bit more.

[/blockquote]

[sunset]

"He’s not keen to" <-- keen on?
Why not.


"Just big ol’ boulders to go and hide behind when a swarm of rats, or even one on it’s own, passes by."
--
He hides from rats?
They killed his parents. He’s got a right.(?)
But um… nevermind.

"The creatures aren’t his favorite."
--
How is this physical description?
Am I not allowed to add a bit extra detail?
Nevermind though.


"He’s marked with sorrel/white around his eyes,"
--
So is it sorrel or is it white? Or both?
Both. They fade as different layers of fur and different colors are mixed in.


"The ends of his sort ears" <-- short?
Thank you.

"are lined with dull golden fur, though fades" <-- it fades?
Um… see comment on the sorrel/white fur, please?

"His pelt is lined with black, and is mainly a gray, ranging from light to dark. His paws are all white, along with the tip of his tail."
--
So... he's a gray mackerel tabby? You list a lot of small details that cloud the overall image.
Fixed?


"Also, he’s got a thin circle of white on his underbelly, just visible when standing eye to eye with him, if possible."
--
What do you mean, "if possible"?
He’s tall. Fixed.

"There’s no doubt in his mind that, who ever" <-- no comma; whoever
Fixed.


"Willowtail"
--
How would they know about Willows?
Right. Changed.


"Willowtail- Father, was killed with rats, along with Tawnyclaw(deceased)
Tawnyclaw- Mother, who was killed, along with Willowtail, by a pack of rats(deceased)
Sorrelpaw- Kit-hood friend, who was killed by torture (deceased)"
--
You can talk about what happened to them in the History.
Friends aren't kin.


"And, it seemed to fit him for much longer than that, as he gained a sort of mysterious, quiet personality."
--
What does he do that is mysterious?
Fixed.


"But, that had nothing to do with anything,"
--
If that's what you think, then don't include it.
Alright.


"Perhaps, that was the reason he got so shady,"
--
The History is an explanation, not an advertisement hook.
Alright.


"hissing to himself"
--
What?
I’ve got no idea.


"Anyways, his parents were killed by rats, who they successfully killed before the rats could get to Shadowkit."
--
This makes it sound like the parents died and then killed the rats.
You’re right.


"There were only two of them, but his parents both died sometime later, both from infections in their many wounds."
--
Why and how were they hunting a pair of rats?
Okay. Fixed.


"Really tragic."
--
Is this meant to sound sardonic?
Perhaps, it was simply not meant to be there.


"But, he simply went to stay with his friends’ family, Sorrelpaw."
--
This makes it sound like the family was Sorrelpaw, not the friend.
So he was still a kit at this stage?
Um. Fixed, and yes.


"Eventually, Shadowkit was named Shadowpaw, and he was trained, along with Sorrelpaw and her sisters, by his current guardians (Trained by Sorrelpaw’s parents and relatives, seeing as they’re all very close)."
--
You could make this more concise by changing it to "his current guardians (Sorrelpaw's relatives)".
Right.


"He’s still proud of it now, and of what it ment to him." <-- no comma
--
What did it mean to him?
Absolutely nothing.

"Shadowstep, for his good hunting skill"
--
How do you figure that?
Nevermind.

"He always seemed to bring in the most of any of the other apprentices."
--
Out of any, you mean?
So he caught the most lizards?
Yes. The most lizards.


"But, strangely, she had been promised to another tom."
--
Why?
Fixed.


"Seeing as this tom"
--
It'd be convenient if you gave him a name.
You’re very much right about that.


"From trying to lure rats over to where the shadowy tom slept,"
--
In hopes of what?
Normal rats don't just throw themselves at cats.
Fixed.


"Shadowstep left as soon as possible,"
--
Meaning he avoids them?
Probably, yes.


"Most don’t mind him, though don’t try to talk to him, or even get close."
--
Don't control characters which are not your own.
Sorry.

"It’s not often someone tries to make friends with an ‘insane’ cat… but he’s really only trying to find a way out."
--
Which is all insanity entails.
Also, I suggest you combine the last sentence with this one using an appositive.
Right.

[/blockquote]

[Ten]

"Just wanted to make it more obvious."
--
Why? Is he the follower type?


Do you know you can change the title of the thread?
{edit: apparently so LX}


"But do kits really show their personality at birth?"
--
No. Of course personality didn't influence his naming.
I think Gosh means that his personality is relevant to his past and who he is.


"somehow"
--
How?


"Am I not allowed to add a bit extra detail?"
--
Put it in the History.


"They fade as different layers of fur and different colors are mixed in."
--
Mmkay. He's a gray tabby, then? Yet he has sorrel fur?


"Um… see comment on the sorrel/white fur, please?"
--
I was pointing out the lack of a subject noun.

Also, I suggest you put two breaks between paragraphs.

[sunset]

"Just wanted to make it more obvious."
--
Why? Is the the follower type?
Nevermind then.


Do you know you can change the title of the thread?


"But do kits really show their personality at birth?"
--
No. Of course personality didn't influence his naming.
I think Gosh means that his personality is relevant to his past and who he is.
Alright.


"somehow"
--
How?
Baby eating.

"Am I not allowed to add a bit extra detail?"
--
Put it in the History.
Alright.


"They fade as different layers of fur and different colors are mixed in."
--
Mmkay. He's a gray tabby, then? Yet he has sorrel fur?
Just around his eyes, and white on his maw.


"Um… see comment on the sorrel/white fur, please?"
--
I was pointing out the lack of a subject noun.
Alright.

Also, I suggest you put two breaks between paragraphs.

[/blockquote]

[Ten]

"Baby eating."
--
So they tried to hunt a litter of pups while the mother was around?
Do they have mental issues?


"Just around his eyes"
--
From the picture, I'd say he's a brown tabby. Those can have gray hairs.

[sunset]

"Baby eating."
--
So they tried to hunt a litter of pups while the mother was around?
Do they have mental issues?
1. yes
2. They were hunting the litter, halfway through their pleasant meal when the mother came back.

"Just around his eyes"
--
From the picture, I'd say he's a brown tabby. Those can have gray hairs.
Fine, he's brown. Wonderful. Exactly perfect.

[/blockquote]

[Ten]

"They were hunting the litter, halfway through their pleasant meal when the mother came back."
--
But you just told me the mother was there in the first place. o.o


"He never had been fond of attention."
--
You said implied he's an only child, yes?
From my experience, only children like to be the center of attention.


"Anyways, they were successful"
--
It's unclear that you're switching from talking about Shadownose to his parents.


"but where killed" <-- were


"both dieing sometime later, both from infections in their many wounds."
--
* dying
The two "both"s sounds strange. Would you reword that?


"But, he simply went to stay with his friend Sorrelpaw's family."
--
It's obscure here, as well.


"His parents had known the group of cats," <-- no comma


"Sorrelkit's father never really liked him."
--
Why not?