Post by Ten on Jan 3, 2010 11:22:59 GMT -5
"Name| Falconwing"
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He has to follow the name rules as much as anyone.
"Gender| Tom Cat"
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Isn't it one word?
"When awake you"
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Third person, please.
"pale green eyes" <-- pale-green?
"making his face a lovely appearance."
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That's only personal opinion.
"Moving down this felines" <-- feline's?
"shines chocolate in the sun--it's a hereditary thing."
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Either it's just from sun bleaching or he has some implausible ancestry.
"This odd spectacle"
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You mean black fur? That's not an odd spectacle.
"defines his toned muscles well."
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How does a pelt define muscles?
"As far as weight concerns" <-- is concerned?
"With no extra toes or birth defects, it's easy to move to his rear."
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This got me wondering, do polydactyls have any extra difficulty due to their paws?
"The male's"
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Are you trying to avoid subject pronouns?
"which is rare because he's fearless."
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The first time you inserted a tidbit of non-physical description, I figured I'd ignore it, but I won't do that twice. If you want to say he's fearless, do it in the history, where you can show him being fearless.
"the cats' tail it" <-- is?
"with a pretty face"
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Keep this objective.
"an irreplaceable sense of pride."
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How can a sense of pride be irreplaceable?
"Leader is a position he strives for"
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Wait, so he wants a Clan? At first you were making him sound like he'd be a con.
"If the clan"
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There isn't a Clan anymore/yet.
"Yes, he's"
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No one was asking. Anyway, keep your judgments out of this. Others can make their own. Telling us his views is enough for them to figure out what he is.
From his Kin and History, I can tell you didn't read the plot or lifestyle thread. Go do that now.
