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Post by Ten on Nov 18, 2009 19:13:44 GMT -5
"Browntail is so pro-Clan that she despises any who are cons or are neutral."
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There are no neutrals, and despising your opposition isn't extreme or abnormal at all (at least, not for Starless cats).
"she knows she's starting to get on in age"
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"Starting"?
"Cons must be shown"
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Who must show them?
"a Clan symbolizes everything worth living for."
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Symbolizes, or is?
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Post by Cloud on Nov 19, 2009 20:53:52 GMT -5
"There are no neutrals, and despising your opposition isn't extreme or abnormal at all (at least, not for Starless cats)."
Oh? I thought on that one thread of yours it said you wouldn't be accepting any more neutral or undecided cats, so I assumed there were some already. So I should remove the despising thing, yes?
""Starting"?"
By this do you imply you think she's old already and I should fix this?
"Who must show them?"
Browntail believes that all the Clanners should band together to force the cons to listen to "the way."
"Symbolizes, or is?"
Is, sorry. Fixed that.
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Post by Ten on Nov 19, 2009 21:38:42 GMT -5
"Oh? I thought on that one thread of yours it said you wouldn't be accepting any more neutral or undecided cats, so I assumed there were some already."
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There might have been, yes, but I don't know of any active ones now.
"So I should remove the despising thing, yes?"
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Yes.
"By this do you imply you think she's old already and I should fix this?"
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Is she old already?
"Browntail believes that all the Clanners"
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The Clanners.
Put that sentence (the one from the views section) in active tense.
"Browntail was named for her auburn fur"
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I think of auburn as much more red than brown. This too is in passive tense, by the way.
"Her mother was a con, but her father was very pro-Clan"
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And... what? She was a doormat?
"and she inherited his beliefs,"
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Why would they stick together to raise her if they have such different views?
"just didn't want a Clan because she didn't want a leader."
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Why didn't she want a leader?
"Browntail's mother raised her kits in one place, but her father would disappear every day to go hunt for his mate,"
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I'm confused. Her father appears to be raising her as well, so he leaves her to.... find her mother, who is where she is? What?
"idea of a Clan-Whitefoot didn't need no Clan,"
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Dashes have spaces around them.
Did Whitefoot talk like that?
"I like catching my own prey, choosing who I listen to, and not being ordered around, he thought."
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Quotes or italicize, to clarify. I didn't get it until I reached the end of the sentence.
"He could put up with anything if he was sure of backup."
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Why wasn't it the other way around?
"Each didn't have an official mentor, but their parents both instilled them with the neccesary skills to survive, once they bestowed their paw suffixes on them."
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They're just now becoming apprentices? You've been calling them by warrior names.
"When Browntail's parents felt they'd taught their kits all they needed to know, they left together after giving their son and daughter their warrior names."
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They left? Where?
Your use of double dependent clauses makes it seem as though... well, it's like they were leaving and then I find out they had given them their names, so I picture them going back to do that and then leaving again. It's okay when you have one dependent clause, but when there are two like that it disrupts my sense of chronology.
"and met the tom of her dreams: Nightnose."
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What happened to him?
I suggest breaking up that humongous paragraph into something that doesn't make me think "agghhh do I have to read all that?" I don't mind if it's long, just when there aren't any breaks.
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Post by Cloud on Nov 25, 2009 15:33:25 GMT -5
"There might have been, yes, but I don't know of any active ones now"
Ok. I fixed that.
"Yes."
Fixed.
"Is she old already?"
Erm...I'd say she's about equivalent to 40 in human years. Does that count?
"The Clanners.
Put that sentence (the one from the views section) in active tense."
Hrm. I think I changed that sentence.
"I think of auburn as much more red than brown. This too is in passive tense, by the way."
Fixed.
"And... what? She was a doormat?"
With flowers on it, yes. She is and was a Clanner. o3o
"Why would they stick together to raise her if they have such different views?"
They're madly in love with each other.
"Why didn't she want a leader?"
Browntail's mother didn't want a leader because she felt no leader could possibly understand about and care for all of the cats.
"I'm confused. Her father appears to be raising her as well, so he leaves her to.... find her mother, who is where she is? What?"
Her dad went away to hunt for them. The mom stayed in one place with her kits.
"Dashes have spaces around them.
Did Whitefoot talk like that?"
Fixed. And yes, he did.
"Quotes or italicize, to clarify. I didn't get it until I reached the end of the sentence"
Italicized.
"They're just now becoming apprentices? You've been calling them by warrior names."
I do that, sorry for the confusion.
"They left? Where?
Your use of double dependent clauses makes it seem as though... well, it's like they were leaving and then I find out they had given them their names, so I picture them going back to do that and then leaving again. It's okay when you have one dependent clause, but when there are two like that it disrupts my sense of chronology."
I think I fixed it.
"What happened to him?"
He died. See Darkfur's app.
And I broke it up. Sorry, sometimes I forget to do that.
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Post by Ten on Nov 25, 2009 21:09:52 GMT -5
"about equivalent to 40 in human years."
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mm, alright.
"She is and was a Clanner."
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No, her mother the con, I mean. She sat back and let her mate tell the kits whatever?
"They're madly in love with each other."
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You mean madly in lust?
Did they not know and continue to not know the political stance of one another when they first met and began to get to know each other? How would their views not have come up? Why would it not affect their compatibility? Certain beliefs tend to go hand-in-hand with certain personalities, you know.
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Post by Cloud on Nov 26, 2009 23:38:25 GMT -5
"She sat back and let her mate tell the kits whatever?" She didn't particularly care about what beliefs they had. "You mean madly in lust? Did they not know and continue to not know the political stance of one another when they first met and began to get to know each other? How would their views not have come up? Why would it not affect their compatibility? Certain beliefs tend to go hand-in-hand with certain personalities, you know." I changed it so that he stayed because he cared about his kits. Neh. I'm lazy, sorry.  |
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Post by Ten on Nov 27, 2009 0:33:47 GMT -5
"She didn't particularly care about what beliefs they had"
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which translates to she didn't have much opinion of her own. When it comes to politics, even if one is a tolerant person, one wants others to agree with him or herself. She's not looking like a con right now.
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Post by Cloud on Nov 27, 2009 0:51:01 GMT -5
Browntail's mother is now a Clanner.
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Post by Ten on Nov 27, 2009 11:22:30 GMT -5
"her reddish brown" <-- hyphenate
"Cons must be shown"
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Who must show them?
"Her mother was a Clanner, and her father was very pro-Clan and she inherited their beliefs."
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You can cut down on the ands.
"generally friendly personality," <-- no comma
"Whitefoot didn't need no Clan,"
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Why not? His father was a Clanner.
"A Clanner - and such a noble one, too, in her opinion - they'd first met"
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Right now the sentence structure is looking like the pair of them met a Clanner, and you're about to tell what that third Clanner did.
He'd growled warningly," <-- no comma
"They struck up a conversation,"
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It seems odd that he would growl at her to leave and then come talk to her. I'm not sure about this, but I'm thinking that in real life, males don't guard their territory from females, in particular if they're going to become mates later.
"For a while, Browntail and Nightnose's lives were in tumult as they tried to keep their land out of the paws of the other cats, an" <-- and?
"weren't always successful."
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So they got kicked out?
"One day, Browntail had Nightnose's kits."
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I take it this isn't the ending?
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