|
Post by tick on Jul 9, 2009 22:25:49 GMT -5
I'm still working on it, I've been busy this whole week & hopefully I'll finish by tomorrow. (: Role player| Tick
Name| Blackheart
Gender| Tom
Physical Description|
Views| Blackheart believes that a clan would be a great idea. He loves the idea about a cats being together and helping each other. A clan would offer protection for kits whose parents died or elders whose muscles are to weak to hunt. Blackheart thinks of himself more of a follower than a leader, being that he’s a bit submissive. Also Blackheart knows a clan can’t go on with out followers, so he believes that being a warrior is more important than a leader.
Kin| Nightfur- Mother (Deceased) Largepaw- Brother (Deceased)
History| Blackheart got the prefix of his name, well obviously, because of his fur color. Nightfur saw his simple, black pelt and thought the simple prefix, black, would be sufficient. Blackheart wasn’t raised in a set territory, his mother wasn’t strong enough to defend a territory and the fact that Nightfur was more fond of running away from a fight than actually hurting another cat. So, Nightfur, Largepaw, and Blackpaw just wandered around.
Picture|
|
|
|
Post by Ten on Jul 9, 2009 22:49:07 GMT -5
"Blackheart believes that a clan would be a great idea," <-- comma splice
"he loves the idea about a cats being" <-- cats being... what?
"In the sense of that a leader is not a leader without warriors to follow." -- This should be part of the previous sentence. Also, this makes it sound like the leader is following the warriors.
"Blackheart wasn’t raised in a set territory," <-- comma splice
"the fact that Nightfur was more fond of running away from a fight." -- What about the fact?
|
|
|
Post by tick on Jul 10, 2009 13:38:25 GMT -5
cats being... what? --- He liked the idea of cats spending time together, so being together. I forgot to add that. Sorry.
Also, this makes it sound like the leader is following the warriors. -- I'll reword it & paste it in the previous sentence.
What about the fact? --- The fact that his mother favored running away from a battle than participating in one.
Fixed the comma splices, sorry about that. I'm like comma happy or whatever. xP
|
|
|
Post by Ten on Jul 10, 2009 19:26:09 GMT -5
"The fact that his mother favored running away from a battle than participating in one." -- I know what the fact is, silly goose. But what are you saying about it? The sentence lacks a verb.
|
|