Goldenstorm

[sharpay]

Role player| Sharpay
_____

Name| Goldenstorm

Gender| She-cat

Physical Description| Goldenstorm is a pretty small for her age.Not much bigger then an apprentice.She is a golden tabby she-cat,she also has green eyes .Her whiskers are vary long about a mouse tail and her paws are not vary big but are perfect for her size.She has a long tail which is about the same size as a fox tail.Her fur is short and smooth,she is not heavily muscular,but not too skinny.

Views|

Kin| Shadowheart- Mother (Deceased) Gingerpelt- Sister (Deceased.) Goldenstorms father in unknown. Only her sister Gingerpelt had known who he was,but she died of green cough before she could tell her. (Read history for more information)

History/personality|

Picture| (optional; an image of the cat - if it expands the post size when shown as an image, leave it as a link)

ooc: I will fix all of this later! I have stuff going on today and will finish the rest tomorrow and edit.

[Ten]

I think you can see all the space, spelling, and punctuation edits needed, so I won't point out each individual one until after you've gone over it once yourself.


"She is a beautiful light brown she-cat"
--
Is she a tabby? And if she's brown, why is she named golden?


"She has green eyes that glow in the dark"
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As in actual glowing? Or the normal thing all cat eyes do when light reflects off them?


"(With StarClan)"
--
StarClan doesn't exist.


"Only her sister Gingerpelt had known who he was,but she died of green cough before she could tell her."
--
This is something to explain in the History.

[✖ s a n n i]

I hope you don't mind Ten; I found a few things to point out as well.


She is a golden tabby she-cat
--
There are some rules about tabby types. Check the Stats bar on the right side of the screen for the link to that.


Views|
--
There is nothing here! But you probably already know that =3


but she died of green cough
--
I don't think "greencough" is a real illness in this roleplay. Ten said it wasn't on my bio.


Picture| (optional; an image of the cat - if it expands the post size when shown as an image, leave it as a link)
--
You can delete this, haha.

[/size]

[Ten]

"I hope you don't mind Ten"
--
I too hope she doesn't mind me.
Now, if you were using that as a noun of direct address, there should be a comma after mind.


"There are some rules about tabby types."
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Some are free; some aren't. Unless Goldenstorm is a patched, classic, or spotted, she's free.


"Ten said it wasn't"
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Not that I know of. If there is a real illness that greencough is based on, she could die of that, but I don't think they'd know to call it greencough.


"There is nothing here!"
"You can delete this, haha."
--
From what I can tell, she was just making a thread and planning to fill in most of the bio later.