Twigwhisker

[Ten]

Right now I'm afraid the bio still has some mistakes. I'll show you what I mean about formatting the sentences.


capitalize --> "he has one green eye and the other is blue" <-- endmark
capitalize --> "his coat is straggled tabby and he has a slender figure and long whiskers" <-- endmark
capitalize --> "his face is a little deranged because of scars and he is all over rather lithe."

"Views" <-- separate with some symbol
capitalize --> "twigwhisker wants the clan to reunite."

The Kin section can be formatted in other ways, but here's how it would be done if you want to keep it in ordinary sentences.

capitalize --> "his mother is lithestorm and his father is russetskip" <-- endmark
capitalize --> "his brothers are Tawnypaw" <-- comma "brindlefoot" <-- comma "and specklestream" <-- comma "and his sisters are branchtail and creamstep."

All names should have capital letters at the beginning.

"History" <-- separate with some symbol

capitalize --> "he was born early in the morning and grew up in a good family but was often in fights" <-- endmark
capitalize --> "he usually just hung around looking kinda spooky and withdrawn like he could be under water."

"History" <-- You've already said history once; you can remove the second one.

"Twigwhisker got his name because of his figure and later his sensitivity ( not" <-- remove the space before not
"emotional)" <-- endmark

capitalize --> "his mother and father were good parents but he was always getting into fights with other toms in the enclosure and eventually was covered with scars from battles but he learnt well and became a veteran fighter"
--
This is a run-on sentence. Try breaking it up.
You've already said that he gets into fights, so try integrating these two paragraphs.
Also, what does he get in fights over? Territory? Ideology?

If you can't figure this out, then perhaps this forum isn't the place for you.

[emilie]

yes done now

[Ten]

Okay. Now down to business.


"Name Twigwhisker
Gender Tomcat"
--
You forgot the dividers here, I'm afraid.


"He has one green eye and the other is blue."
--
Odd eyes cost 500 LTs. Would you like to postpone this cat and save up for it?


"his coat is straggled tabby. He has a slender figure and long whiskers. his face is a little deranged because of scars but he is all over rather lithe."
--
Capitalization for the first word of a sentence, remember.
Deranged? You mean... marred, damaged?


"Twigwhisker wants the clan to reunite."
--
Why?


"His mother is Lithestorm and his father is Russetskip his brothers are Tawnypaw, brindlefoot, and Specklestream and his sisters are Branchtail and Creamstep."
--
That can't all be once sentence.

How would they know about cream?


"He usually just hung around looking kinda spooky and withdrawn like he could be under water."
--
What do you mean?


"Twigwhisker got his name because of his figure and later his sensitivity (not emotional.)" <-- the period should be on the other side


"His mother and father were good parents but he was always getting into fights with other toms in the enclosure over food or views and many other things and eventually was covered with scars from battles but he learnt well and became a veteran fighter."
--
This is a run-on sentence. Try breaking it up a few places where there are conjunctions (such as "but" or "and").

I suggest running the bio through spell check, too.

[emilie]

I will start again

[Ten]

Would you mind answering the questions in your reply posts? It makes it less like a checklist and more like a discussion that way, and it's easier on me when I don't have to hunt down individual changes throughout the bio.

[emilie]

So sorry I answered them but my computer is a dirtbrain here is what I wrote
Yes sorry what I meant by he just hung around looking kinda spooky and withdrawn like he could be underwater was well you know he looked kind of um, distorted that's the word
Forget it I'll start again I was hoping to get a new start from everyone in a place where no one thinks I'm a wacko They think I'm weird because I'm kinda witchy I suppose they think I'm insane

[Ten]

"Forget it I'll start again"
--
Alright. Will you be rewriting the bio for Twigwhisker, or are you going to make a new thread?


"I was hoping to get a new start from everyone in a place where no one thinks I'm a wacko They think I'm weird because I'm kinda witchy I suppose they think I'm insane"
--
Well I haven't seen any behavior from you that would warrant calling you that. Hopefully, you'll get along better here and not have that problem. :3

[emilie]

I'll make a new thread by the way one of the reasons for their suspicions are my bone jewelery [namely the rabbit skull necklace] actually I wonder what they'll say when they see my septum piercing and my pet snake! actually I just paused to go out and bury a mouse for my collection, my snake rejected it because he's about to shed he is nearly a meter long now.