LongFang

[jess]

Role player| Jess
_____

Name| Longfang

Gender| she-cat.

Physical Description|
LongFang doesn't quite view herself as the most beautiful of cats, honestly. Dirty and scuffed, due to the hard conditions of being in that mishmash of a colony, black fur covers her entire body, making her no less than just.. a black cat. There is nothing quite special about her pelt, other than its various types of dust and grime (no matter how much she cleans it). Then, however, gaze into her emerald green eyes and you find a pathway to her soul. They are the most expressive of her features, showing emotion even when her face is completely composed. Because, believe me, it is always composed. LongFang sits rather stiff and straight, and her expression is usually nothing but respect or disdain.

Her features.. well, I would say emotionless, for one. She's not exactly the kindest of cats, nor is she filled with hate, and her eyes and general aura reflect that. Her gait, her posture, her just general aura - it's just filled with respect. But in general, LongFang is just a classic black she-cat with green eyes-there's nothing special about her pelt.

The only really discerning marking about her is her unusually long fangs. They aren't huge or anything, but just a quarter of a rat tail's longer.

Views| LongFang just wants a leader. Somebody to respect, somebody to lead the cats. She wishes for natural order, where everybody knew their place, and not one where rebellion and chaos was everywhere. She doesn't really want to be a leader-oh, she wouldn't turn it down, but she's not really ambitious, killing to get what she wants or anything. She believes that, well, there has to be some leader out there that can be trusted, and finding the right one is just a matter of time. She thinks that the right leader will lead them well- not all leaders are bad, but still, there are those that will abuse their power. She thinks that they should at least try to find a good leader, but if there truly are too many bad cats out there.. she'd give up, eventually. But for right now, all she wants is to resurrect a clan order and find a proper leader.

Kin| mother, father, sister, Greyfang. All deceased.

History| Longfang received her name as a kit because of her unusually long fangs, which was the first thing anybody had noticed when she had been born. They were huge or anything, they just stood out a slight bit when compared to her littermates. When she was growing up, her mother and father, who honestly did care for her and her sister, tried their best to protect the young kits from the chaotic state the cats were in (to them, of course, being lovers of order and peace). They were firm believers in order, in justice- and it was from this that LongFang got her ideas about order. She grew up believing that they had to find a leader, and it was the only one who could pull them out of this disorder, this chaos.

When she got older, past her apprenticeship, which had been quite uneventful, her parents was involved with a rather nasty fight over some freshkill-it had been quite some time since the last rain, and prey was scarce. As a result, her parents both died- the cats that had killed them were younger and fitter. Her sister Greyfang (named for her gray pelt and temper), got angry. Angry, that she openly baited them into a fight. Greyfang had always had a temper, and the death of their parents was enough to spark it up. Longfang, at that time, had been out hunting, and she didn't come back until the fight was over. The fight was a very close fight, but eventually Greyfang backed down, covered in wounds and scratches. She died too, of wounds.

By then, she knew enough to survive in the chaos (or how it seemed to an order-loving cat like herself), but she still wishes for them to come together, for the world to just become.. less disorderly.

Other| Bah, it sucks. Hit me. ._.

[Ten]

"Name| LongFang"
--
Don't capitalize the suffix, please.


"LongFang isn't the most beautiful of cats-- that's not to say she doesn't quite have her own little charm, of course."
--
Beauty and charm are subjective. In other parts of the bio, you can write about how she views her appearance or how other cats have reacted to her, but for here just write down what she looks like and let others make their own judgments.


"Dirty, scuffed, due to the hard conditions"
--
...you mean "Dirty and scuffed,"?


"There is nothing quite special about her pelt, other than its various collection of dust (no matter how much she cleans it)."
--
Various needs to be used with a plural noun. Various types of dust and grime?


"Then, however, gaze into her emerald green orbs"
--
You mean her eyes?


"straight as the walls that surround their prison,"
--
They aren't all that straight.


"well, you would say emotionless,"
--
You don't know what I would say.


"She's not exactly the kindest of cats, nor is she filled with hate."
--
How is this physical?


"Her gait, her posture, her just general aura- its" <-- add a space to the other side of the dash and an apostrophe to the its


"But in general, LongFang is a far cry from beauty- but, honestly, she's not the ugliest she-cat around, anyway."
--
Same deal as before -- be objective. You can put your opinions of her in your notebook.


"She doesn't really want to be a leader- oh,"
--
Actually, contrary to what I said before, real dashes aren't supposed to have spaces on either side of them at all, but I find that looks strange. Whichever way you want to do it, make it the same on both sides.


"she wouldn't turn it down, but she's not ambitious or any sort."
--
Any sort of....?


"but if there truly are too many bad cats out there.. she'd give up, eventually."
--
Alright, but this section is about what she thinks now.
So she wants a Clan, right? Why?


"LongFang received her name as a kit because of her unusually long fangs,"
--
Does she look like a sabertoothed tiger?


"tried their best to protect the young kits from the chaotic state the cats were in."
--
What do you mean?


"and it was from this that LongFang picked up on."
--
It sounds like you've meshed two different sentences.
It was from this Longfang got her ideas about order. Or.
Longfang picked up on this.


"during her apprenticeship, her parents was" <-- were?


"Her sister, Pepperfang"
--
Hold on, how would they know about pepper?


"Angry, that she openly baited them into a fight."
--
Was she not around to help when her parents were killed?


"LongFang was angry, too, but she was still young"
--
Wasn't Pepperfang young too?


"Pepperfang, though a few moons older"
--
Oh, so there were two different litters of one kit each?

[jess]

Changed <3

Yeah, I really have to get that habit out of my system. Picked it up when I first started rping and I've never been rid of it since. ._.

You mean her eyes?
--
Yeah, it was something I read in a poetry book once xD


They aren't all that straight.
--
I didn't have anything else to discribe it with xP

How is this physical?
--
Because I forgot to say that it reflects in her facial features. Stupid Jess. Dx

Does she look like a sabertoothed tiger?
--
Like I said in the appearance section, they're slightly larger than the normal cat's, but not as huge as a sabertooth.

Hold on, how would they know about pepper?
--
For some reason, I just treated it the same as Mintpaw and Sagepaw from the Skyclan's destiny. I thought they knew about herbs like that, unless I'm missing something. I probably am, I haven't read warriors in a long time o.o Anyway, I used it on another warriors site and they accepted it, so I thought it was alright xD

For the rest.. Yeah, it makes no sense to me too, once I read over it.

[Ten]

"Yeah, it was something I read in a poetry book once"
--
ah. It's a hallmark of wolfspeak. You can use figurative language, but please, no wolfspeak.


"Like I said in the appearance section, they're slightly larger than the normal cat's, but not as huge as a sabertooth."
--
huh. I don't remember reading that. Do they poke out of her mouth?


"For some reason, I just treated it the same as Mintpaw and Sagepaw from the Skyclan's destiny."
--
Remember what setting this is.

[jess]

Alright then. xD I'm not even sure what kind of book it was, honestly. /terrible memor xP

"The only really discerning marking about her is her unusually long fangs. They aren't huge or anything, but just a quarter of a rat tail's longer." Last part of it. The don't poke out of her mouth. Nothing too weird. o.o

xP Yeah.

[riro44]

I know that I am not a bio scrutinizer or anything, but it says that scrubes can post on other's bios, so I have a comment. Tell me if I cannot do this and I will delete it.


"Her sister Greyfang (named for her gray pelt and temper)"
--
She would be named Grey right when she was born and for her grey pelt, so that makes sense. But why would she be named fang after her temper? And also, cats don't usually have the same suffixes as their siblings.


"She died too, of wounds."
--
So did she bleed to the death? Did she come back from the fight alive but died later? (that is what I am inferring) The sentence structure is a bit odd, maybe you could say, "She died because her wounds, just like her parents." (if that is how they died)


"but if there truly are too many bad cats out there.. she'd give up, eventually. "
--
So what does she think as of a bad cat? And why would she give up, if a clan was what she wanted?


Yah, those are a few of my comments. Hope they help the bio.

[Ten]

"The only really discerning marking about her is her unusually long fangs. They aren't huge or anything, but just a quarter of a rat tail's longer."
--
That would be about an inch, right? Wouldn't that make her fangs poke out?


"but it says that scrubes can post on other's bios,"
--
Scrubes. x) Sorry. Typos amuse me.
But yes, anybody's free to post, as long as they're respectful.


"But why would she be named fang after her temper?"
--
I tend to interpret fang to mean the cat is skilled with fangs -- good hunter and fighter. Those skills can accompany aggression and hotheadedness (an eagerness to use the fangs).


"So what does she think as of a bad cat?"
--
Good question, Riro.


"LongFang sits rather stiff" <-- Longfang


"Her features.. well, I would say emotionless, for one. She's not exactly the kindest of cats, nor is she filled with hate, and her eyes and general aura reflect that."
--
I know you're connecting this to her expression, but this is more about behavior than looks, and saying she's not the kindest nor filled with hate doesn't really tell us much.


"Her gait, her posture, her just general aura - it's just filled with respect."
--
Respect for what?


"But in general, LongFang" <-- Longfang


"is just a classic black she-cat with green eyes-there's nothing special about her pelt."
--
For a moment there, I thought the dash between eyes and there's was a hyphen. o.o If you add another beside it (--) that should make your intentions clearer. But you've already said there's nothing special about her pelt, so it feels redundant and you can take that out.


"LongFang just wants a leader." <-- Longfang


"She wishes for natural order, where everybody knew their place, and not one"
--
Not one what?


I'll reread her history another time.