Gingerstorm [second edit]

[ginger]

Role player| Ginger
_____

Name| Gingerstorm

Gender| she-cat

Physical Description| Gingerstorm is a small but sturdy and muscular she-cat with a thick but short ginger coat. She has emerald green eyes that darken as they get to the pupil and a small, rosy pink nose.

Views|

Gingerstorm finds it easy to be around others, is very charismatic, and is more than comfortable in the spotlight. In fact, she rather enjoys attention – she can become either the attention seeker or the life of the party. A thrill-seeker, battle-hungry, and sometimes obnoxiously loud, her presence can be overwhelming. On top of that, she needs two nests. One for her, and one for her ego! She thinks she is just the best thing out there. But for all of this, none can deny her strength and even fearlessness. She is a natural leader. A clan would be perfect for Gingerstorm, and of course, she would lead it. She's really a control freak. She wants respect. And anything she wants? Well, she GETS.

Kin| Stormpaw - Father
Mousepelt - Mother

History|

Her mother and father were everything you could ask for. Supporting, caring, loyal. Until that one day. Gingerkit was about half a season old. They were hunting together when the rat they were chasing finally turned and bit them both. The disease they contracted eventually killed them, and Gingerkit was left orphaned.

A small, shivering bundle of bright orange fur. That's what caught Speckledpaw's eye. It was a couple hours after the incident, but Gingerkit was growing weak. The young she-cat took the pitiful Gingerkit back to her nest where she raided her the best she could alongside her kits of a much older age.

Speckledpaw's kits were named Splotchkit, Shadekit, and Mudkit. They weren't the nicest around because of the fact that a stranger would be moving in, and because of her small size, they pushed Gingerkit around. Well, one thing's for sure, she did NOT like that. SHE wanted to be the one who was cool, insulting other cats, pushing them around, in control. Punykit, Smallkit, and Pitifulkit were some of her nicknames. She grew agitated until, well, she couldn't keep it in any longer.

Speckledpaw was furious. [something happens to Shadekit]. The queen kicked Gingerkit out of her home, and well, out of her life right after she had earned the apprentice name, Gingerpaw, at about one season old. She trained, harder and harder with her mentor, Snaketooth. Snaketooth was one of the nicer warriors and agreed to train Gingerpaw, but for a price.

After a good while and a good growth spurt, Gingerpaw became Gingerstorm. Now it was time for her part of the deal. [roleplaying starts here]

[Ten]

Welcome to Starless, Ginger! ^^ As per the process, I have a few questions and some things to point out.


First of which, how would ginger be available for cats to know about in this setting?


In her physical description, what do you mean by "well built"?


Her views section appears to contain only one sentence that describes any of her actual views. Describe why she wants a Clan, please. I know you describe her as charismatic and all, but I'd like to see her thought process on the matter -- show how she thinks.


"All Gingerthorn remembers of her kit-hood were the screams of agony from her parents. The rats were everywhere."
--
Implying a bunch of rats were attacking them, yes?


"Speckledpaw took her in and rose her the best she could."
--
Was Speckledpaw already nursing a litter? Or was Gingerkit weaned by the time her parents died?


"Gingerpaw did not really like her adoptive mother. She didn't know what was right for the tomboy and well, was out of her life after she became a 'paw."
--
So she and Speckledpaw had a bad relationship? Go into more detail about that, like what they disagreed on and how they clashed.


"One of the only apprentices at that time,"
--
What do you mean? Only apprentice in the whole enclosure?


"she often got a lot of attention and developed a need for it."
--
From whom was she getting all this attention? Her mother? Or did she go around talking to strangers?


"Her personality developed and she became colder and more sadistic. No one knows why,"
--
You're the writer; you know why. So, what made her sadistic?

[Brain]

"First of which, how would ginger be available for cats to know about in this setting?"
---
Ginger is a color. Thorn is different.

[ginger]

First of which, how would ginger be available for cats to know about in this setting?
- Ginger is a color, right? Red-orange. Thorn is describing her personality.

In her physical description, what do you mean by "well built"?
-Sturdy and muscular, but not fat or overweight

Her views section appears to contain only one sentence that describes any of her actual views. Describe why she wants a Clan, please. I know you describe her as charismatic and all, but I'd like to see her thought process on the matter -- show how she thinks.
-She's very ambitous, a kind of control freak. She wants respect and well, being leader is the only way she sees getting it.

Implying a bunch of rats were attacking them, yes?
-Yes. Apparently they weren't very bright. Taking on a pack of rats, the two of them.

Was Speckledpaw already nursing a litter? Or was Gingerkit weaned by the time her parents died?
-Speckledpaw was nursing, but her biological kits were much older than Gingerkit. She was only 6 days old.

So she and Speckledpaw had a bad relationship? Go into more detail about that, like what they disagreed on and how they clashed.
-Speckledpaw treated her like a baby and taught her that violence was never the answer. Gingerkit was scolded for getting in trouble when others insulted her. She felt like violence was the only answer.

What do you mean? Only apprentice in the whole enclosure?
-How namy cats are in the enclosure? If it was the size of a clan, there wouldn't be too many apprentices, right? Speckledpaw's kits were already warriors and so was Speckledpaw[pelt]. She could've been one of the only apprentices, probably the youngest one, at the least, at that time.

From whom was she getting all this attention? Her mother? Or did she go around talking to strangers?
- Speckledpelt mostly, but others too. A couple warriors helped out with her training. She was kinda cute during her first six moons, so a lot of 'awwws' from the more feminine she-cats

You're the writer; you know why. So, what made her sadistic?
-Her hunger for power, mostly. She loves seeing painin other cat's eyes because she knows she's on her way to the top.

[Ten]

"Ginger is a color. Thorn is different."
--
That brings up the origin-or-meaning issue... hm. It can work.
I'll address her suffix with her history.


"Sturdy and muscular, but not fat or overweight"
--
Say something like sturdy or muscular; there are several builds that could be considered good and you can clarify which one you mean.


"She's very ambitous, a kind of control freak. She wants respect and well, being leader is the only way she sees getting it."
--
Okay. Elaborate on that in her views and go into the causes for it in her history (by which I mean, what stuff happened to her that made her want so much control?).


"Yes. Apparently they weren't very bright. Taking on a pack of rats, the two of them."
--
They had a severe brain disorder? Makes me wonder how they could walk.


"Speckledpaw was nursing, but her biological kits were much older than Gingerkit. She was only 6 days old."
--
But she grew up alongside Speckledpaw's kits, yes? You don't mention her interactions with other kits in the history.


"Speckledpaw treated her like a baby and taught her that violence was never the answer."
--
Sounds like that would make her a spoiled pacifist.


"Gingerkit was scolded for getting in trouble when others insulted her."
--
Give an example of such an event.


"How namy cats are in the enclosure? If it was the size of a clan, there wouldn't be too many apprentices, right?"
--
There are a few dozen or so; I'm not sure what "the size of a clan" would be. There could be plenty of other apprentices.


"so was Speckledpaw[pelt]."
--
Wait, she got a warrior name? ...after she had kits?


"A couple warriors helped out with her training."
--
Who? Friends of Speckledpaw?

[ginger]

About to edit. I'll answer your questions afterwards.

EDIT: Well, it seems that I answered them in the edit. I kinda changed her history. It takes out some of the issues. READ IT. Oops. Ginger was being a control-freak.

[Ten]

/doesn't want to read the whole thing when you could just answer the questions. :<

Okay, I'll read it.
This time, please answer me.


"She has emerald green eyes that darken as they get to the pupil, and a small rosy pink nose."
--
That comma doesn't need to be there, but I understand that you wanted to create a pause after the eye/pupil details, so my suggestion is for you to move her nose description in front of the eye details.


You still have that whole paragraph that talks about her personality in there. That section isn't for personality; it's for views.


"Her parents were so ambitious and show off-y,"
--
Not ambitious and show off-y.
Braindead.
Nobody who's conscious is that stupid.


"The young she-cat took the pitiful Gingerkit back to her nest"
--
What was her nest made of?


"Speckledpaw's kits were named Splotchkit, Shadekit, and Streamkit."
--
How did Streamkit look like the stream?


"They weren't the nicest around,"
--
Why was that? Were they spoiled by their mother's compassion and generosity? Or were they uncomfortable and resentful about a stranger joining the family?


"Well, one thing's for sure, she did NOT like that."
--
Of course not. Nobody expects her to be masochistic. So what prior influences (or even current influences) prevented her from caving to the pressure and being shy, flighty, and submissive?


"Speckledpaw was furious. Splothkit and Streamkit now shared their den. The queen kicked Gingerkit out of her nest, and well out of her life."
---
...what? What was she furious about?
And what do you mean by den? They had claimed a territory?


"She gave herself the apprentice name, Gingerpaw."
--
Reading all the rules is important.


"She trained, harder and harder, all by herself."
--
Cats can't teach themselves how to hunt. {x} {x}
They have natural instincts, but hunting itself is a skill that requires a teacher,
even if she does a lot of practicing on her own.


"She showed some of the senior warriors."
--
Who? Just... strangers? o.o
And she expected strangers to care? What an ego.


"She needed attention. And NOW."
--
Where did the strong desire for attention come from?
A carry-over from her acclimatization to constant mockery, maybe?


"After a good while and a good growth spurt, Gingerpaw became Gingerthorn. This was one of the only places Speckledpaw and her agreed. Thorn was agressive, and showed that she should not be messed with. Speckledpaw felt that thorn described her sharp attitude better."
--
Again with the self-naming.
Thorn as a suffix doesn't mean "can't be messed with". It means thorny, troublesome, annoying. First things first, though. How would they know about thorns?

[ginger]

/doesn't want to read the whole thing when you could just answer the questions. :<

Okay, I'll read it.
This time, please answer me.
--
Kay fine


"She has emerald green eyes that darken as they get to the pupil, and a small rosy pink nose."
--
That comma doesn't need to be there, but I understand that you wanted to create a pause after the eye/pupil details, so my suggestion is for you to move her nose description in front of the eye details.
--
fixed

You still have that whole paragraph that talks about her personality in there. That section isn't for personality; it's for views.
--
fixed


"Her parents were so ambitious and show off-y,"
--
Not ambitious and show off-y.
Braindead.
Nobody who's conscious is that stupid.
--
fixed


"The young she-cat took the pitiful Gingerkit back to her nest"
--
What was her nest made of?
--
whatever nests were made of? i have no idea...


"Speckledpaw's kits were named Splotchkit, Shadekit, and Streamkit."
--
How did Streamkit look like the stream?
--
Blue/gray fur

"They weren't the nicest around,"
--
Why was that? Were they spoiled by their mother's compassion and generosity? Or were they uncomfortable and resentful about a stranger joining the family?
--
Number two

"Well, one thing's for sure, she did NOT like that."
--
Of course not. Nobody expects her to be masochistic. So what prior influences (or even current influences) prevented her from caving to the pressure and being shy, flighty, and submissive?
--
fixed


"Speckledpaw was furious. Splothkit and Streamkit now shared their den. The queen kicked Gingerkit out of her nest, and well out of her life."
---
...what? What was she furious about?
And what do you mean by den? They had claimed a territory?
--
I was trying to say that Gingerkit killed Shadekit
fixed


"She gave herself the apprentice name, Gingerpaw."
--
Reading all the rules is important.
--
fixed


"She trained, harder and harder, all by herself."
--
Cats can't teach themselves how to hunt. {x} {x}
They have natural instincts, but hunting itself is a skill that requires a teacher,
even if she does a lot of practicing on her own.
--
fixed

"She showed some of the senior warriors."
--
Who? Just... strangers? o.o
And she expected strangers to care? What an ego.
--
fixed


"She needed attention. And NOW."
--
Where did the strong desire for attention come from?
A carry-over from her acclimatization to constant mockery, maybe?
--
Maybe. took that whole part out. it was confusing me


"After a good while and a good growth spurt, Gingerpaw became Gingerthorn. This was one of the only places Speckledpaw and her agreed. Thorn was agressive, and showed that she should not be messed with. Speckledpaw felt that thorn described her sharp attitude better."
--
Again with the self-naming.
Thorn as a suffix doesn't mean "can't be messed with". It means thorny, troublesome, annoying. First things first, though. How would they know about thorns?
--
fixed the self-naming issue
maybe thorny plants could grow in-between the cracks in the enclosure's walls

[Ten]

"whatever nests were made of?"
--
What could they be made of? o.o


"Blue/gray fur"
--
I'm thinking the water in this stream wouldn't look very blue.


"I was trying to say that Gingerkit killed Shadekit"
--
Oh, okay. You were a little too subtle on that one.
Wait, what? She killed? ...How?


"Who? Just... strangers? o.o
And she expected strangers to care? What an ego.
--
fixed"
--
x) You fixed her ego?
Talk to me. This is a discussion, not just a list of things to fix. For the stuff like "delete that comma", you don't even have to say anything, but on more open-ended things like this, please tell me what change you made.


"maybe thorny plants could grow in-between the cracks in the enclosure's walls"
--
I don't see why they would. Desert plants need a lot of sun. If one were rooted under a crack, it would just grow to outside toward the light.

[ginger]

"What could they be made of? o.o"
--
Maybe stones outlining with any feathers they found on the ground.
Would they have access to bracken or a material like that?


"I'm thinking the water in this stream wouldn't look very blue."
--
I'll change it to Mudkit [Mudkip lol]


"Oh, okay. You were a little too subtle on that one.
Wait, what? She killed? ...How?"
--
Just insticts I guess. Ya know, the bite on the neck, hold until they go limp. Maybe she had been watching some battle training or something like that.


"x) You fixed her ego?
Talk to me. This is a discussion, not just a list of things to fix. For the stuff like "delete that comma", you don't even have to say anything, but on more open-ended things like this, please tell me what change you made."
--
I deleted that part out because I couldn't change anything to make it fit. If I said the warriors were more friendly, they wouldn't say "I don't bother with kits."
I said fixed because I took the problem out.


"I don't see why they would. Desert plants need a lot of sun. If one were rooted under a crack, it would just grow to outside toward the light."
--
Well then I have no idea. Any other suffix suggestions?