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Post by destiny on Mar 23, 2010 21:13:38 GMT -5
_____ Role player| Han _____  _____ Name| Ravenheart Gender| Tom _____ Physical Description| Ravenheart has a sleek, shiny black coat that glistens during sudden movement. He has two oval, yellow eyes that can be seen well, even from a distance. His movement is slow and evenly paced. _____ Views| Ravenheart is a hard worker and believes in team work. He believes in putting a great deal of effort into everything he does, making himself stronger and more confident in the way he portrays himself. He strongly believes in forming a Clan. He believes that being in a given Clan would maybe, one day, encourage him to be a leader, although that day seems very far away for this young tom. Experience definitely plays a major part in being prepared for taking on any role in life and this is something Ravenheart hopes to gain. _____ Kin| Granitetail (Mother) - ALIVEEbonyclaw (Father) - DECEASED_____ History| Ravenheart was born to Ebonyclaw and Granitetail, two respected cats because they were well known for their generosity when it came to helping out any of the neighboring cats nearby. They had been together (since their first encounter) all of their lives. He was named by his mother, who noticed his shiny, black coat gleaming as the sun shone down on him on that hot and eventful day. She could see the potential of her young kit from the very first moment he had entered the world. Ravenheart's parents were very protective of their first born, as he had no litter mates, often keeping him away from the things he was dying to learn and experience for himself. Ravenheart longed to experience the feeling of being able to prowl around by himself, to not have the watchful eyes of his parents following him around as he explored. He longed to learn new skills, to be like his parents, who always seemed to be out hunting and exploring. Ravenheart found himself being close to his mother. She often told him about the stories and tales that her and Ebonyclaw had experienced themselves, even though she never told him enough to satisfy Ravenheart's already adventurous mind. His mind often ran through the countless things he could experience and get up to if he was not monitored so closely by his protective parents. One day, Ravenheart found himself on his own. His warrior training was now completed and he was growing bigger and stronger by the day. His mother and father had left to go for a quick hunt, thus enabling him to explore from the depths of their little hideaway, which was hidden deep under thick pieces of wood and stone. It blended in well with its surrounding environment. He clambered up onto the shiny, crumbling rocks infront of him, his yellow eyes seeking anything of interest. He was often monitored closely by his parents, but today they seemed to be acting different, which had taken Ravenheart by sudden surprise. He knew they were having trouble finding food for themselves and their kit, so maybe they had left him on his own in their act of desperation to find prey. He didn't let this bother him though, for he knew the reason for his parents to leave him behind today must of been a good one and food, well, sounded good. He finally found himself wandering into into the desert, that happened to be a few metres away from his place of birth. The smell of damp and dense woods soothed him, almost freeing his mind of anything in particular that sunny morning. BANG!Ravenheart felt his eyes dart to the right and then to the left. He heard a loud cry coming from behind and found himself darting back to the place he had called home all of his life. He felt himself shivering, the sense of fear compelling him from thinking straight. Soon after Ravenheart had returned, he could hear the sound of gentle paws running down the rocks. It was his mother. She stared at him with her round, saffron coloured eyes. Ravenheart's heart suddenly sank, his whiskers twitching from the hesitation of what she was going to tell him. He knew it. His father was dead.According to Granitetail, they had gone for a hunt, seeking food for their kit, hoping that if they paired up together this time, they would've found something. Instead, they came across a human, who was carrying a rifle and had shot Ravenheart's father. Ravenheart was shocked, he had never been told much by his parents about the dangers of anything, let alone a human. What made it worse, apparantly this human was a boy, a young boy who was out experimenting with his father, hoping to kill an animal that took his fancy. Ravenheart felt a surge of anger from what his mother was telling him, he could feel his heart beating wildly, strongly inside of him. After that day, Granitetail was never the same again. She always kept Ravenheart in her sight, never letting him wander off by himself or to explore, monitoring his every move. Ravenheart never objected to her actions, even believing that his mother's love would benefit him in some way, although the day did come when Ravenheart broke away from her domineering ways, stressing to her that he couldn't always be protected forever. Granitetail looked into her son's yellow eyes and her tail flickered instensely from one side to the other, she could see that he was serious with every word that exited his mouth, she could sense the passion coming from deep within his heart. Since that day, Ravenheart has made a new life for himself, often still visiting his mother from time to time and helping all he can, even though he still has a lot to learn from being such a sheltered soul. _____ |
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Post by Ten on Mar 24, 2010 19:32:09 GMT -5
My first thought is, how do you suppose they would know about ravens?
"His movement is slow and evenly paced, thus making him a great mover."
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"A great mover"? What do you mean?
"He believes in putting a great deal of effort into everything he does;" <-- comma
"He strongly believes in finding a Clan"
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There aren't any Clans to find. I take it you mean founding or forming?
"that would guide him and help him make the most of himself, for deep down Ravenheart is a very intelligent, but somehow misguided soul, who is dying to find his inner spirit and realease all of his energy within."
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What?
"He believes that being in a given Clan would boost his views"
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Boost which views? How can a view be boosted?
"Ravenheart was born to Ebonyclaw and Granitetail, two respected cats,"
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Who respected them?
who had been together (from the day of encounter) all of their lives."
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I'm thinking you mean "since their first encounter", or some such. Let me know if anything I try to correct you on is just a difference between British and American English.
"Ravenheart's parents were very protective of their first born,"
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Did he have no littermates?
"often keeping him away from the things he was dying to learn and experience for himself."
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Which were what? How did they keep him away?
"Ravenheart found himself being close to his mother,"
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Is this one sentence or a dependant clause?
"she often told him about the stories and tales that her and Ebonyclaw had experienced,"
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She told him stories they had heard or she told them stories of what they had experienced?
"even though she never told him enough to satisfy Ravenheart's already adventurous mind."
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What gave him an adventurous mind?
"They often say, those who never get the chance to experience things for themselves, really do take the opportunity once it presents itself!"
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Is that relevant to this?
"One day, Ravenheart found himself on his own," <-- comma splice
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Was this after his warrior training finished?
"his mother and father had left to go for a quick hunt, thus enabling him to explore from the depths of their little hideaway."
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What was their "hideaway"?
"He was often monitored closely by his parents, but today they seemed to be acting different,"
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Why?
"He didn't let this bother him though, for he was a quick thinker when it came to negotiating with his own thoughts."
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What do you mean?
"He finally found himself wandering into a small area of woodland that happened to be a few metres away from his place of birth."
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Wait, what? Woodland? Starless is set in a desert.
It appears you still haven't read the plot, which is very important to character-making.
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Post by destiny on Mar 24, 2010 21:03:29 GMT -5
Have modified my application, thank you for pointing out all my wrongs. I hope it's better!
I did read the plot, it's just this is his history and I think I was starting to get carried away there slightly and I must of forgot that he was actually supposed to be born in a desert and not a woodland. Sorry.
As for Ravenheart, I chose the name because apparantly it means 'black' and 'shiny.' Would you wish for me to rename him? (:
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Post by Ten on Mar 24, 2010 21:33:28 GMT -5
Raven only means black because it references the bird, and for a queen to name her kit after ravens they'd have to be commonplace in the enclosure. Unless you can explain why that would be, he needs a different prefix.
Also, I'd like for you to answer my questions in your reply posts, please. Most of the time, I don't reread the bio until we've finished discussing everything I've brought up so far.
"I did read the plot, it's just this is his history"
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He has to have been born inside the enclosure for him to be inside it now.
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Post by destiny on Mar 26, 2010 7:06:40 GMT -5
Ah, okay. I guess I'll try and think of a new name for him then! It's just difficult finding a word that means 'dark' or 'black.' Well, one that fits the criteria anyway. I don't want to sound stupid, but do you mean the questions you directed at me about the editing? I've tried to fix all of them, but do you want me to answer them too? Thanks.
I'll be able to post/modify as soon as I'm back home which will be some time tomorrow hopefully!
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Post by destiny on Mar 26, 2010 7:26:42 GMT -5
I checked out other accepted applications and got the idea that this was the thing to do, put your post up and add my own comments underneath.
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Post by Cloud on Mar 26, 2010 11:14:28 GMT -5
About replacement names for Ravenheart: Since Black, Dark, Beetle, Night, Shadow, Rock, Dull, Shade, and Spider are taken as names, Murky-, Gloom-, Dim-, Lurid-, Pitch-, Ebon-, and Swart- are all the synonyms I've been able to find. Sable- is also a possibility, but I didn't put that in since I'd already recommended it to Onyx. Anyway, hopefully Ten approves of some of these.
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Post by Ten on Mar 26, 2010 18:16:42 GMT -5
"I don't want to sound stupid, but do you mean the questions you directed at me about the editing?"
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Yes, but I see you've figured that out. ;]
"I've tried to fix all of them, but do you want me to answer them too?"
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Yes. When I ask a question, it doesn't always mean you've made a mistake that you have to change. Even when that is the case, I want to know which ones you've changed and how without going back through the whole bio.
"By this I was sort of trying to point out how his movement was very good, but it must of sounded wrong. I removed this bit."
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I suppose you mean his movement is smooth or agile.
"I've added this in. They were basically two very protective parents!"
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Mind telling me what you added (what he wanted to discover and how they prevented him from discovering it)?
"He gained an adventurous mind from never learning or being able to experience things for himself, thus making his mind wander and become adventurous."
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It'd have to be more than that. Living one way all your life doesn't mean you're going to yearn for something else; it just makes you used to it.
"Added a bit in, it was basically a place where they could hide if there were any danger or a place where they could go."
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Well yes, that's what a hideaway is, but what was it made of? Was it a cave? A tunnel? An outcropping of rocks? A low spot between two knolls? Abandoned alien aircraft?
"Edited this, but they were acting different because they knew they had to find food and leave their kit behind."
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Is this the first time since his birth that they had to leave to find food?
"I was trying to point out that he was a fast thinker when it came to thoughts entering his head."
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As opposed to... being a quick thinker when it came to thoughts leaving his head?
Nevermind.
"Murky-, Gloom-, Dim-, Lurid-, Pitch-, Ebon-, and Swart- are all the synonyms I've been able to find."
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Let's see...
Murky and Gloom I'm not sure about.
Dim, being the opposite of bright, could work.
Lurid means ghastly and vile, so no.
Pitch either comes from tree sap or oil/tar.
Ebony and Swarthy are maybes.
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Post by destiny on Mar 28, 2010 21:25:51 GMT -5
Thanks Cloud! 
I'm sorry about the time it took for me to reply/sort this. I have only just settled back in at home from a big day out and I'm sort of sad at the moment. -sigh-"I don't want to sound stupid, but do you mean the questions you directed at me about the editing?"
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Yes, but I see you've figured that out. ;]
Yes, thank goodness! XD
"I've tried to fix all of them, but do you want me to answer them too?"
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Yes. When I ask a question, it doesn't always mean you've made a mistake that you have to change. Even when that is the case, I want to know which ones you've changed and how without going back through the whole bio.
I've changed them all, do you want me to list them all?
"By this I was sort of trying to point out how his movement was very good, but it must of sounded wrong. I removed this bit."
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I suppose you mean his movement is smooth or agile.
Yes.
"I've added this in. They were basically two very protective parents!"
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Mind telling me what you added (what he wanted to discover and how they prevented him from discovering it)?
'Ravenheart's parents were very protective of their first born, as he had no litter mates, often keeping him away from the things he was dying to learn and experience for himself. Ravenheart longed to experience the feeling of being able to prowl around by himself, to not have the watchful eyes of his parents following him around as he explored. He longed to learn new skills, to be like his parents, who always seemed to be out hunting and exploring.'
I haven't added anything in about how they would prevent him, but I suppose one of his parents would stay behind and monitor him.
"He gained an adventurous mind from never learning or being able to experience things for himself, thus making his mind wander and become adventurous."
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It'd have to be more than that. Living one way all your life doesn't mean you're going to yearn for something else; it just makes you used to it.
Okay, but I don't know what to say to this. I could always take this bit out and leave it or just put he sort of became used to it or something?
"Added a bit in, it was basically a place where they could hide if there were any danger or a place where they could go."
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Well yes, that's what a hideaway is, but what was it made of? Was it a cave? A tunnel? An outcropping of rocks? A low spot between two knolls? Abandoned alien aircraft?
'His mother and father had left to go for a quick hunt, thus enabling him to explore from the depths of their little hideaway, which was hidden deep under thick pieces of wood and stone.'
"Edited this, but they were acting different because they knew they had to find food and leave their kit behind."
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Is this the first time since his birth that they had to leave to find food?
Yes, because one of the two usually stayed behind and watched over him.
"I was trying to point out that he was a fast thinker when it came to thoughts entering his head."
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As opposed to... being a quick thinker when it came to thoughts leaving his head?
Nevermind.
Yeah.
"Murky-, Gloom-, Dim-, Lurid-, Pitch-, Ebon-, and Swart- are all the synonyms I've been able to find."
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Let's see...
Murky and Gloom I'm not sure about.
Dim, being the opposite of bright, could work.
Lurid means ghastly and vile, so no.
Pitch either comes from tree sap or oil/tar.
Ebony and Swarthy are maybes.
I like Ebony.
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Post by Cloud on Mar 29, 2010 15:31:52 GMT -5
You could even shorten it to Ebon, if you wanted, because that's a legitimate word for black.
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