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Post by Ten on Dec 20, 2009 16:16:02 GMT -5
"He doesn't believe the outside world exists." -- Why not?
"Nightfoot always told him he acted like a kit." -- How so?
"The two learned" -- I suggest saying "had learned". So by basic skills, you mean they knew how, but hadn't honed it into mastery?
Looking good so far. He should get in soon.
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✖ s a n n i
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"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
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Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 20, 2009 21:49:48 GMT -5
"He doesn't believe the outside world exists." -- Why not? ~x~ Added. "He doesn't believe the outside world exists, because he was brought up to believe that by his mother and Nightfoot, heavily influenced by their beliefs as a young cat."
"Nightfoot always told him he acted like a kit." -- How so? ~x~ Added. "Nightfoot always told him he acted like a kit, due to the fact that if she teased him even a little bit, he would be deeply offended"
"The two learned" -- I suggest saying "had learned". So by basic skills, you mean they knew how, but hadn't honed it into mastery? ~x~ Yes. :3
Looking good so far. He should get in soon. ~x~ Yes! I'm excited. :D
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Post by Ten on Dec 20, 2009 23:32:15 GMT -5
"He doesn't believe the outside world exists, because he was brought up to believe that by his mother and Nightfoot, heavily influenced by their beliefs as a young cat." -- That goes in the history -- what I meant is, what is his reasoning as to why the outside doesn't exist?
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✖ s a n n i
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"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
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Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 27, 2009 19:22:42 GMT -5
"He doesn't believe the outside world exists, because he was brought up to believe that by his mother and Nightfoot, heavily influenced by their beliefs as a young cat." -- That goes in the history -- what I meant is, what is his reasoning as to why the outside doesn't exist? ~x~ Edited.
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Post by Ten on Dec 27, 2009 19:44:47 GMT -5
"He doesn't believe the outside world exists, because he has always believed that the stories of RiverClan didn't exist in an 'outside' world;" -- This makes it sound like he believes the old story of RiverClan occurred inside. Is that the case? But either way, this sentence says he believes it because he believes it.
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✖ s a n n i
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"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
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Post by ✖ s a n n i on Mar 3, 2010 22:32:37 GMT -5
"He doesn't believe the outside world exists, because he has always believed that the stories of RiverClan didn't exist in an 'outside' world;" -- This makes it sound like he believes the old story of RiverClan occurred inside. Is that the case? But either way, this sentence says he believes it because he believes it. ~x~ Hey, I know it's been a while. :) Nice to be back finally. Yes, that is the case. How about:
"He doesn't believe the outside world exists, because he has always believed that the stories of RiverClan didn't exist in an 'outside' world. Having faith in something he's never seen or experienced seems crazy to him."
Like he only believes what he sees.
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Post by Ten on Mar 5, 2010 19:31:31 GMT -5
"Nice to be back finally." -- Nice to have you back, Sanni. Let's take care of this sucker.
"Like he only believes what he sees." -- mmhm. Sounds good.
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