✖ s a n n i
New Scribe
"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
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Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 9, 2009 8:45:50 GMT -5
Role player| Sanionka or Sanni (Hey Ten, I rejoined!)
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Name| Whitewhisker
Gender| Tom
Physical Description| Whitewhisker is a decent-sized cat, with short white fur. His eyes are a soft green, and his nose is pink. Like all cats, his exact age is unknown; he is an older adolescent or young adult.
Views| Whitewhisker is a Clanner ("minion"), and like any Clanner, he wishes for a Clan to be formed. He also knows that if chosen right, the Clan's leader would have his full trust. He doesn't believe the outside world exists, because he has always believed that the stories of RiverClan didn't exist in an "outside" world; he thinks it's just a nursery tale for kits.
Kin| Dustfur: mother; recently deceased; a light grey-brown queen with green eyes.
Palestripe: father; deceased before Whitewhisker's birth; Dustfur described him as a very pale grey cat with amber eyes and very faint stripes.
Nightfoot: sister; marbled tabby with dark grey fur and black markings and black feet; has amber eyes; was the first born (same litter though); still alive (possible bio coming soon).
History| Whitewhisker was born a few days after his father's death, relieving Dustfur's short depression period. His name was given (Whitekit) because of his white fur, and his suffix (-whisker) was given because of his sensitivity (mental feelings, not physical); Nightfoot always told him he acted like a kit, due to the fact that if she teased him even a little bit, he would be deeply offended. He was born in a litter of two, thus Dustfur gave him and his sister a lot of attention, compared to a larger litter. When Dustfur died, Nightfoot took on the "mother role" of their family, though they are the same age. The two had learned basic hunting and fighting skills before their mother's death. For a while, they still looked after each other, but since then, they have grown apart, and now they have gone their separate ways. He was brought up to believe that the outside world is nonexistent by his mother and Nightfoot, heavily influenced by their beliefs as a young cat.
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✖ s a n n i
New Scribe
"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
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Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 9, 2009 8:54:45 GMT -5
>_>;
Why is the page getting stretched (It doesn't show on my monitor because I have a huge screen, but I can tell it's bigger than it's supposed to be)? It was like this before I put in blockquotes and my signature too.
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Post by Ten on Dec 10, 2009 19:27:18 GMT -5
"Hey Ten, I rejoined!"
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Glad to have you back, Sanni. Where've you been?
"Why is the page getting stretched"
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Seems fine now.
"Whitewhisker is a decent sized cat, his long white fur"
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Long? Why would he have long fur?
"(has dominant white-furred gene and is not deaf)"
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He doesn't have blue eyes, though, so he's in the clear. You can remove the parenthetical.
"His eyes are a vibrant, soft green,"
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hm... can a color be both vibrant and soft? I'm imagining "soft" colors as being more muted and subdued.
"an older adolescent or young adult (like about ages 17-23 or so in our age)."
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Don't be redundant.
"('minion' mostly)"
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What do you mean, mostly?
"He also believes that if chosen right, the Clan's leader would have his full trust."
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Believes he would trust? Is that implying some doubt, or would he trust?
"He doesn't believe the outside world doens't exist, but he also doesn't believe that it does."
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Huh?
"Stripetail: father; deceased before Whitewhisker's birth; Dustfur described him as a white cat with amber eyes and a striped tail."
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Have you seen a cat whose white marking covered all but its tail?
"Nightstep"
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How does a cat step nightly?
"his surname" <-- suffix
"almost abnormal, white whiskers (some cats have translucent)."
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White whiskers aren't unusual.
"He was a litter of two"
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A cat isn't a litter. A cat is born in a litter.
"so he and his sister were given a lot of attention from Dustfur."
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Or in active voice, Dustfur gave him and his sister a lot of attention.
"Because of this, when Dustfur died, the two were very powerless, despite their age."
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How does attention make one powerless?
"Nightstep immediately took charge of the 'mother role'"
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One can take charge of a family and take on a role. One does not take charge of a role.
"and began to take care of her younger brother."
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How so? Hunting for him?
"Eventually, Whitewhisker learned to take care of himself as well as Nightstep was learning to"
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...learning to take care of him? This sentence confuses me.
"They still travel together"
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Travel? There's not far to go.
"inside the enclosure."
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It'd be hard for them to be anywhere else.
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✖ s a n n i
New Scribe
"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
|
Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 11, 2009 16:02:55 GMT -5
"Hey Ten, I rejoined!"
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Glad to have you back, Sanni. Where've you been?
~x~
Oh, here and there. AKA school. :|
"Why is the page getting stretched"
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Seems fine now.
~x~
Oh okay, good. :3
"Whitewhisker is a decent sized cat, has long white fur"
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Long? Why would he have long fur?
~x~
Genetics...? Would you like me to change it?
"(has dominant white-furred gene and is not deaf)"
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He doesn't have blue eyes, though, so he's in the clear. You can remove the parenthetical.
~x~
Oh okay. -removes-
"His eyes are a vibrant, soft green,"
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hm... can a color be both vibrant and soft? I'm imagining "soft" colors as being more muted and subdued.
~x~
Ehh, sorry. I was also typing on another roleplay site for a character application.
"an older adolescent or young adult (like about ages 17-23 or so in our age)."
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Don't be redundant.
~x~
-Removes-
"('minion' mostly)"
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What do you mean, mostly?
~x~
Again, typo with the other application. Didn't have much time yesterday, haha.
"He also believes that if chosen right, the Clan's leader would have his full trust."
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Believes he would trust? Is that implying some doubt, or would he trust?
~x~
Should probably change that, huh?
"He doesn't believe the outside world doens't exist, but he also doesn't believe that it does."
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Huh?
~x~
-Edits-
"Stripetail: father; deceased before Whitewhisker's birth; Dustfur described him as a white cat with amber eyes and a striped tail."
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Have you seen a cat whose white marking covered all but its tail?
~x~
I have, but I'll change it to a very light furred tabby.
"Nightstep"
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How does a cat step nightly?
~x~
I figured that I'd put in her bio that her feet are pure black (sort of like Blackfoot in the Warriors series). Would you like me to change her name to Nightfoot instead?
"his surname" <-- suffix
~x~
-changes-
"almost abnormal, white whiskers (some cats have translucent)."
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White whiskers aren't unusual.
~x~
"almost abnormal" is supposed to go with the length description of his whiskers. Any suggestions on how to make that more clear?
"He was a litter of two"
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A cat isn't a litter. A cat is born in a litter.
~x~
He was born in a litter of two.
"so he and his sister were given a lot of attention from Dustfur."
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Or in active voice, Dustfur gave him and his sister a lot of attention.
~x~
That sounds better.
"Because of this, when Dustfur died, the two were very powerless, despite their age."
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How does attention make one powerless?
~x~
Gah, some of these typos are killing me. No more multitasking.
"Nightstep immediately took charge of the 'mother role'"
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One can take charge of a family and take on a role. One does not take charge of a role.
~x~
Okay, I'll fix it.
"and began to take care of her younger brother."
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How so? Hunting for him?
~x~
At first, and then taught him how to hunt for himself. Should I mention that?
"Eventually, Whitewhisker learned to take care of himself as well as Nightstep was learning to"
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...learning to take care of him? This sentence confuses me.
~x~
Er, learning to take care of herself. Do you think there's a better way to phrase that?
"They still travel together"
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Travel? There's not far to go.
~x~
"They still look after each other"?
"inside the enclosure."
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It'd be hard for them to be anywhere else.
~x~
-Removes-
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Post by Ten on Dec 11, 2009 17:58:53 GMT -5
"Oh, here and there. AKA school."
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Ah. Me too.
"Genetics...?"
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Well yes, but why would long fur be in the gene pool for a colony of cats in the desert?
"Should probably change that, huh?"
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mmhm, rephrase it somehow.
"Dustfur described him as a very pale grey cat with amber eyes and very faint stripes, the darkest on his tail."
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You've seen a cat with stripes darker on the tail than elsewhere? The tabby pattern is very common among feral cats such as these, almost as much as fur itself, so having stripes isn't as distinctive as I would prefer a prefix to be.
"I figured that I'd put in her bio that her feet are pure black (sort of like Blackfoot in the Warriors series). Would you like me to change her name to Nightfoot instead?"
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If it's her feet that are like night and not her steps, yes. What color is the rest of her?
"supposed to go with the length description of his whiskers. Any suggestions on how to make that more clear?"
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Oh. hm. Rereading it, it does make sense... I guess the comment in parenthesis got me.
"At first, and then taught him how to hunt for himself."
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Who did she learn to hunt from? Aren't they the same age?
"Do you think there's a better way to phrase that?"
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Yes. I'd like to the answers to the questions above before I offer a suggestion, though.
"They still look after each other"?
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mmkay. You'll do a lot of interacting with yourself, then?
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✖ s a n n i
New Scribe
"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
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Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 12, 2009 14:49:01 GMT -5
"Genetics...?"
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Well yes, but why would long fur be in the gene pool for a colony of cats in the desert?
~x~
That's true. I'll make him have short fur.
"Should probably change that, huh?"
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mmhm, rephrase it somehow.
~x~
Already done. :)
"Dustfur described him as a very pale grey cat with amber eyes and very faint stripes, the darkest on his tail."
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You've seen a cat with stripes darker on the tail than elsewhere? The tabby pattern is very common among feral cats such as these, almost as much as fur itself, so having stripes isn't as distinctive as I would prefer a prefix to be.
~x~
Ah okay. Would Stripepelt be a better name, or still too generic?
Stripefur
Greystripe (but that's copying the books...)
Palestripe
Or I could change his name completely
Sharpclaw
......? I have no other ideas x3
"I figured that I'd put in her bio that her feet are pure black (sort of like Blackfoot in the Warriors series). Would you like me to change her name to Nightfoot instead?"
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If it's her feet that are like night and not her steps, yes. What color is the rest of her?
~x~
Okay, I'll change her to Nightfoot.
The rest of her is a dark grey, but not too close to black.
"supposed to go with the length description of his whiskers. Any suggestions on how to make that more clear?"
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Oh. hm. Rereading it, it does make sense... I guess the comment in parenthesis got me.
~x~
Ah okay. I'll leave it then.
"At first, and then taught him how to hunt for himself."
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Who did she learn to hunt from? Aren't they the same age?
~x~
X_x Okay I probably just contradicted myself then. I'll edit it.
"Do you think there's a better way to phrase that?"
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Yes. I'd like to the answers to the questions above before I offer a suggestion, though.
~x~
:D
"They still look after each other"?
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mmkay. You'll do a lot of interacting with yourself, then?
~x~
For the most part in the beginning. They'll separate eventually.
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Post by Ten on Dec 12, 2009 19:59:30 GMT -5
"Ah okay. Would Stripepelt be a better name, or still too generic?"
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It's Stripe as a prefix that's the problem.
"Greystripe (but that's copying the books...)"
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Just so you know, I don't give a fart if you copy names from the books.
"The rest of her is a dark grey,"
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She's gray and black? And not tabby?
Have you seen a cat like this?
"For the most part in the beginning."
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What's the beginning? Your first post? Your first thread? Your first several threads?
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✖ s a n n i
New Scribe
"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
|
Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 12, 2009 20:21:36 GMT -5
"Ah okay. Would Stripepelt be a better name, or still too generic?"
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It's Stripe as a prefix that's the problem.
~x~
Oh okay, that makes more sense. Then Palestripe it is. :D
"Greystripe (but that's copying the books...)"
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Just so you know, I don't give a fart if you copy names from the books.
~x~
x3
"The rest of her is a dark grey,"
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She's gray and black? And not tabby?
Have you seen a cat like this?
~x~
Did I say she wasn't tabby? Must've been a typo. But yes, she is tabby: example
"For the most part in the beginning."
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What's the beginning? Your first post? Your first thread? Your first several threads?
~x~
Probably first thread or two. I don't expect any longer.
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Post by Ten on Dec 12, 2009 20:26:46 GMT -5
"Did I say she wasn't tabby?"
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No, I assumed. So she's a black tabby?
"Probably first thread or two."
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That's quite a while. Why don't you write that part into their history and skip past it?
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✖ s a n n i
New Scribe
"Because I'm just a mean son of a b**ch." - Dr. Gregory House
Posts: 36
|
Post by ✖ s a n n i on Dec 16, 2009 16:19:36 GMT -5
"Did I say she wasn't tabby?"
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No, I assumed. So she's a black tabby?
~x~
Yes, black tabby.
"Probably first thread or two."
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That's quite a while. Why don't you write that part into their history and skip past it?
~x~
Sure.
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