Back to the Wall

[duckyaisha]

The familiar comforting feel of the stone-and-wood wall brushing her fur almost made Rainstripe purr in delight. Almost. But that almost was a long way from being actual purring, seeing as something dark was occupying her thoughts at the moment. No matter how hard she tried, the tabby she-cat could not get the images and events of that day out of her head. They stuck there as if they were bats, hanging on to the edges of her mind, perching there during the day until, when she slept, they flew into her nightmares and caused her to wake up with a jolt, her chest heaving with fear.

Because of this, she had sought out the wall, full of sweet, innocent, good memories that would surely chase away the evil thoughts that lived in her head, lurking, waiting to strike. Most powerful were the memories of her mother. However, not even they blocked the terrifying retellings of that horrible day in her mind. Finally, she had located the exact corner where she had slept, nestling into the space, feeling safe and secure as the branches reached out on either side of her.

But she had not slept soundly, even there. Branches were a useless barrier to the invisible thoughts.

What was even scarier than that was what had happened to her mind after that day. Not just the invasion of the sickening memories, something huge in her seemed to have twisted and gone a complete different direction. Instead of fleeing when she saw another cat, she gazed at them, daydreaming, until she realized that she was sizing up her chances were she ever to do battle with them! The first time she had done this, it had frozen her with fear, and it still did, occasionally. Sometimes in her dreams, she pictured killing Grimykit, in the same gory, disgusting way he had murdered Branchkit, which made her feel almost ill.

How could she have changed so much? It was only one day. One terrible, awful, unforgettable day. She wished desperately for the naivete she had once had, the cheerful, if shy, attitude toward life. But it was gone.

Rainstripe needed comfort. She needed someone to soothe her raging mind. She needed her mother. Without caring who was looking, Rainstripe, pressed against the wall, wailed loudly with sadness, crying out for the one cat who could possibly save her. Too bad she was dead.

[Darky [Megan]]

ooc
I really like the way you're handling Rainstripe like this. It's depressing and morbid, but it's necessary. I'd also like to know what would happen if Speckledclaw were to show up, so here she is.

bic
Speckledclaw had never ever been a wall-dweller, but there was something to be said of the cats who frequented that area of the enclosure. Indeed there was something comforting and reassuring about a sturdy (in a manner of speaking), solid and steady wall to lean on which you knew wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon. It was a retreat for weaklings when uncomfortable change occured; those who couldn't cope on their own, and needed to turn to such things before they had even the slightest of hope of regaining their composure. Speckledclaw recalled her father, who had looked down upon such cats with disdain and a harsh lack of sympathy. She had done the same, but now that he wasn't here, she felt as though her views were shifting somewhat.

Perhaps it was a bit cruel of her to watch Rainstripe at the wall, sitting quietly a little way off and not moving at all. But Speckledclaw had to collect her thoughts before she did anything. The situation was tender. The loss of one's innocence in the face of witnessing something gruesome and morbidly ruthless was hard on the mind and would inevitably change a cat. It was at this stage where things were completely unpredictable and could change for the better or the worse in the span of split-seconds.

She had been lucky. She'd had her father. In a few weeks she was more or less back to her normal self, except devoid of naivety then. It hadn't been too hard to cope, seeing as she had already picked the path of a hunter and fighter. It wasn't the same with Rainstripe, though.

Speckledclaw decided to approach Rainstripe, with obvious footsteps so as to not startle her. "I'm sorry," she said, gentling her voice with difficulty, as she rarely bothered. "but now that you've seen it, there's no way you can unsee it. Living in this enclosure ... you're bound to lose your innocence at some point. You have to accept it and move on."

[duckyaisha]

Though she was lost in thoughts of her mother, nearly screaming with grief and confusion, she stopped when the voice of a she-cat entered her mind. Focusing more on the voice itself than what it had said, the first thought that came to her head was that the she-cat was her mother, somehow returned from the dead. Part of her knew it wasn't true, but she ignored the new cynical part of her mind, reverting back to a kitlike longing that was a desperate attempt to recover her innocence. She wanted it to be true with all her heart. And this wistful thinking was so great that she somehow fooled herself into believing that the she-cat /was/ her mother, despite the fact that her voice was much rougher and lower than that of the she-cat who had raised her.

Her voice was trembling as she asked in a startled, breathy tone, "mother?" Not allowing herself to say more than that one word, she hoped the she-cat would replied with an equally stunned voice, one full of warmth and compassion, "Rainstripe?" And then she would rub against her only kit's flank and whisper reassuring words into her ears.

But it was nothing more than a fantasy, and when Rainstripe turned around to see the newcomer, her head and tail drooped visibly. Looking at the she-cat, she forced herself not to drift off into another one of her battle-related daydreams. While she was concentrating on /not/ drifting off, it all came back to her. This was the she-cat she had tried to stop from killing Grimykit. Though she didn't regret it, the strange new part of her that had shoved its way roughly into her head, pushing her innocent and naive thoughts out to make room for cruel ideas and memories that wouldn't let her sleep at night scorned her for not attacking Grimykit herself. It scorned her for not attacking Speckledclaw- she had remembered the she-cat's name- hard enough to do any physical damage. It scorned her for being weak, not able to fight a real battle.

To tell the truth, she'd rather have seasons and seasons of bad memories than have this new thing invade her mind. She felt dirty, contaminated somehow for thinking these violent thoughts. Even as she felt guilt for the thoughts she had, some part of her mind- the new part, she supposed- was telling her to fight Speckledclaw. /She is your enemy. You fought her before. Do it again. You might be able to take her if you use your size to your advantage-/ Cut off in midthought by Rainstripe's desperate attempts, finally successful.

Only after this considerable amount of inner turmoil did Rainstripe finally focus on what the newcomer had actually said. The words, though gently spoken, caused a mixture of anger and sadness inside her chest. The sadness was familiar to her. She had coped with it before, had dealt with it many times. She knew why she feeling that way. It was because no matter what she chose to believe, Speckledclaw's words were true. There was no way for her to go back to her innocent extended kithood. Strangely, she had retained this kitlike naivete into adulthood, though perhaps that was because of her tendency to seek protection near the wall and her lack of interaction with other cats.

Anger, however, was new to her. Rainstripe was rarely angry. She was desperate, depressed, guilty, but almost never had she felt true anger, and even when she had, it was much more diluted than this intense feeling that raged within her. Who was Speckledclaw to tell her what to do? She wasn't her mother and never would be! Her claws slid out unconsciously and she nearly shrieked when she realized it. What was happening to her? What kind of monster was she becoming? Speckledclaw was a hunter, a fighter, and almost a killer. Certainly she would know what to do. Rainstripe lay down submissively, ignoring the angry flashes. "Help me," she begged, hoping the older she-cat would understand. "It's not just that it's- it's me! My mind and everything! It's not the same!"

Her whimpering pleas turned to yowls of fear and she cringed at the sound of her loud voice. So if she was part fearful-Rainstripe and part evil-Rainstripe, did she have any positive characteristics? The answer was no. Her innocence, the bright spot in her shy, reclusive mind, had been taken from her on the day of Branchkit's murder.

Ironically, some part of her wanted to kill Grimykit for taking that from her.

[Darky [Megan]]

Speckledclaw's expression immediately changed from calm and careful to something that resembled pain the second Rainstripe called for her mother. It was horrifying to watch the she-cat like this, trying to cope with her innocence having been torn from her so abruptly just mere days ago, clawing desperately for a firm footing on sanity. Speckledclaw regretted approaching Rainstripe. She wasn't very good with emotional issues, despite her experience. She hadn't ever met a cat stripped of their naivete so suddenly, exposed to the harsh, unforgiving circumstance that came with living in the enclosure in the blink of an eye.

However, what would've happened if she hadn't started talking to Rainstripe? Likely the she-cat would have lost her whiskers once and for all, left to deal alone with instincts so alien to her, becoming a danger to herself and others. Then the warrior noticed that Rainstripe had drawn her claws after realising that it was Speckledclaw standing there and not her mother after all. Speckledclaw narrowed her eyes. It would be very bad for the situation to turn violent. She must choose her next words as carefully as she chose her next moves when in battle.

It was alarming when Rainstripe went down and started to plead. Speckledclaw was still very conscious of the situation and able to think quite clearly, but then raw panic, unearthed within her, was starting to leak into her brain, clouding her thoughts. The warrior roughly shook her head. It wouldn't do for her to lose her head at a time like this.

She decided to leave it up to maternal instinct, which she knew she had in her. Desperately, she searched for what she assumed was true to a mother's nature, and, uncertain, moved forward to press against Rainstripe murmuring a string of shaky condolences. Eventually she found her rhythm and her voice became stable. "It's alright ... you won't slip down that path, you're still okay and you'll find a way to get through this. It's normal. I've seen this many times. You'll be okay ..." Hopefully, reassuring Rainstripe that what she was going through had happened to many cats who had come out of it sane would help.

[duckyaisha]

Raisntripe knew Speckledclaw wasn't her mother. She had figured that out when she had called for her and gotten the she-cat's voice instead. Her mother was gone, lost somewhere in the multitude of cats that filled the enclosure. It might be possible to find her again, but chances were slim, very slim. And for all she knew, her mother might be dead. It was horrifying to think that, but the new, harsher part of her did not shy away from anything scary or strange. In fact, it created those thoughts, the ones she wanted to tear out of her head the second they entered it because they made her nervous and horrified.

Even though she knew Speckledclaw wasn't her mother, the motions were similar, if not the same. The familiar warmth of her mother's flank pressed against hers, and even the whispered reassurances she had included in her fantasy were present. Either Speckledclaw had seen this before and knew what to do or she could read minds. Probably the first one. This made her feel much better. If other cats before her had had this problem, she wasn't the only one. This was the one time she did not want to be alone.

Between Speckledclaw's attempt at mothering, which was pretty accurate, and her own thoughts, which were calmer and soothing as well, Rainstripe was beginning to calm down. Though the newer part of her still wanted to attack Speckledclaw, the rest of her brain was in agreement that this was her mother, at least for the moment. Even if she wasn't, it was nice to pretend.

However, it wasn't the end of it. If Speckledclaw had gotten her this far, chances were she could help her more. Her violent thoughts still needed calming, and the memories simply could not be suppressed. Perhaps Speckledclaw had a way. Hoping desperately for a yes, Rainstripe asked, her voice lacking the panicked tone it had held before, "The memories and dreams scare me. My head has...bad thoughts, thoughts I shouldn't be having. Can you help?"

[Ten]

ooc| -pokes typo in first paragraph of Ducky's latest post-

bic|

He should have known that whatever she had seen, she wasn't over it yet. He should have done more for her when she came to him. He should have followed her when she had first run off. Better late than never, though, right? So he hoped.

It was a good thing Frozenheart thought about it before coming up behind her and giving her a headrub. That might have spooked her and sent her off the deep end, the last thing he wanted to happen. Instead he scraped together enough sense to walk around and approach her from the front, so she could see him coming.

In fact, maybe even touching her at all wasn't a good idea at the moment. The thought frustrated him, because he didn't know any better way to comfort a cat than the feel of a purr. He couldn't give her nice words like Speckledclaw had done (not knowing what her voice sounded like). He didn't know what to do but reflect Rainstripe's pain in his own eyes. She could see he was there, empathizing with her, and that was better than nothing. So he hoped.

[Cloud]

This...this was so unlike anything he'd seen or thought about for such a long time that the enclosure's head moronic businessman Darkfur stopped dead at the sight of it. He'd been padding by, wondering who he was going to try and make a commercial with tell his ideas to next. He should probably just keep walking, but...wait. The white one. That tom that he'd never finished jabbering talking to. One he sort of knew...one he'd tried to talk to once...and the gray she-cat he'd only seen once from afar. The brown striped tom figured he should really fill his, um, uh, friend let's say for now, in more on his plans, regardless of possibly emotional she-cats nearby. So, changing direction, he began to step towards the trio. Perhaps the situation might be awkward, but who knew. Maybe if he offered his ideas in consolation of whatever had happened, he would make things better. "Hey there. What's going on? Maybe I can help?" The tabby didn't really believe what he was saying, but hoped it would pass for a reasonable response to the situation.

[duckyaisha]

Ooc: What is the typo?

Bic: Rainstripe's anxiety had lessened, thanks to Speckledclaw. She still felt scared, she still felt like something that was not her was inside her head, but Speckledclaw's words had given her solace, at least for a little while. How long she could keep the unwanted thoughts form her head, she didn't know. But even a little while was better than having them there all the time.

To make matters better, Frozenheart had arrived. He was one of the few cats she could look at and say, "He's my friend." Sure, she had a few aquaintences scattered about the enclosure, but her shyness had prevented her from making any real friends, and now it was the new, strange, bad part of her that prevented her from making friends. To it, life was a battle, and the only way to win was to beat everyone. Rainstripe was horrified at this point of view, and kept trying to shut it away, to keep it from infiltrating other parts of her mind.

But now Frozenheart was here, and she didn't have to think of any of that as she leaned into him, lowering her head so he could rub it. If any other cat had done that, the new part of her would've thought they were prepared to attack. Luckily, Rainstripe already knew Frozenheart, and was able to convince that part of her brain that he was safe. The newcomer, well, that was a different story. The strange other part of her wanted her to attack, or at least glare at him and make him leave. Rainstripe didn't want that. She chose to ignore him, purring happily for the first time in days. Frozenheart cared about her too.

[Darky [Megan]]

Speckledclaw looked up at the arrival of Frozenheart, whom she recognised as a friendly face almost immediately. Grateful that he was here to share in the task of calming Rainstripe down and doing so very effectively, she took a risk and broke her string of consolations to examine the other newcomer.

Immediately she was struck with the impression that this cat had an ulterior motive. Anyone who could come to such a scene with good intentions would have evident tones of wanting to do something to improve the situation, seeing the circumstances. Frozenheart had displayed that clearly, and he didn't talk. This cat, however, lacked that. She narrowed her eyes into a glare at him, glanced down at Rainstripe by her side, and mouthed to the stranger, "What do you want?"

ooc
Speckledclaw has decided to become hostile again. >w> Don't give up too soon, Darkfur!

[Ten]

ooc| "Raisntripe". Makes me think of dried grapes.

bic|

A thunderous purr rose in Frozenheart's throat. Even now, Rainstripe trusted him. It wasn't any Clan that had given them that. The white tom rubbed her head with his as gently as he knew how, which for a smaller she-cat might not seem so gentle, and gave her ear a vigorous lick, purring all the while.

Still close beside the gray tabby, he paused to look up and see Darkfur. Again. He hadn't seen what Speckledclaw had said, but he could read her stance, and he tried to be nonchalant about positioning himself between Rainstripe and the potential conflict, hoping to keep her unaware. She didn't need to see that. He kept up his purr as strong as ever and licked her forehead to keep her from opening her eyes.