Post by blackie on Nov 20, 2009 19:07:22 GMT -5
"Her fur is relatively short and thin like most of the desert cats,"
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Then what is it short in relativity to?[/quotes]
Other cats.
okie dokie!
Between rocks that she can fit in between that others can't.
I'll change.
Stupid typos xP
Changing.
Eek! I must've missed that! Changing! D=
No, but if there were she wouldn't.
Aaaaaahhhhh!!! Stupid typos!! xPPP
Actually, yes.
Tall tale haha!
Changing!!
They have no control over what they do, when they do it, etc.
Yeah, she was rebellious befire this. She's the kind that wants to be in the "in" crowd, and how the cons talked about the Clanners proclaimed them as weak. She felt that if she was a con she would gain respect from cats. She feels as if rep. is more imprtant than family, so to speak.
Her parents are very understanding. Lol.
Why . . . why yes, I did. Changin' it.
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Then what is it short in relativity to?[/quotes]
Other cats.
"Her black tail is long and graceful, just like a black snake."
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How can a tail be graceful? Whatever your answer may be, I suggest finding an alternative, as you use the word graceful within the next two sentences.
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How can a tail be graceful? Whatever your answer may be, I suggest finding an alternative, as you use the word graceful within the next two sentences.
okie dokie!
"squeeze into tight places"
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Like what?
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Like what?
Between rocks that she can fit in between that others can't.
"Her claws are long and sharp,"
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Claw sharpness just depends on when the cat last sharpened them. If I'm not mistaken, it has nothing to do with the particular cat or his/her genetics.
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Claw sharpness just depends on when the cat last sharpened them. If I'm not mistaken, it has nothing to do with the particular cat or his/her genetics.
I'll change.
"but Blackstorm perfer's" <-- prefers
Stupid typos xP
"which would make a leader unsuitable for her"
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You make it sound like an outfit that doesn't match. /lameanalogy
Make it an opinion, not a condition - "she won't allow anyone to lead her", "she would never follow a leader's orders", "leaders shouldn't exist", etc. /lameexamples
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You make it sound like an outfit that doesn't match. /lameanalogy
Make it an opinion, not a condition - "she won't allow anyone to lead her", "she would never follow a leader's orders", "leaders shouldn't exist", etc. /lameexamples
Changing.
"since she'd shread the fur off of him in an instant"
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I thought you edited this...?
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I thought you edited this...?
Eek! I must've missed that! Changing! D=
she has no respect for those higher than her."
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There aren't any higher than her, are there?
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There aren't any higher than her, are there?
No, but if there were she wouldn't.
"Blackstorm was born to Tawnyfur, a tortoiseshell, Shadestripe, a dark tom, and Littleclaw, a small light gray tom."
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She was born to her brother? Were they not of the same litter?
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She was born to her brother? Were they not of the same litter?
Aaaaaahhhhh!!! Stupid typos!! xPPP
"eally close to eachother, as most siblings tend to be"
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Do you have a sibling?
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Do you have a sibling?
Actually, yes.
"They told eachother everything, whether it was something as small as catching their first bug or as fake as a kit overtaking a grown warrior. They told each other everything. "
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Did you mean to say that twice?
By fake, do you mean they made it up or that they overheard a rumor or tall tale?
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Did you mean to say that twice?
By fake, do you mean they made it up or that they overheard a rumor or tall tale?
Tall tale haha!
"talking about how Clanner's" <-- Clanners
"Since both her parents were Clanner's" <-- Clanners
"she had never heard bad talk about the group;" <-- comma
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How did her parents manage that?
"but she had never heard bad talk about the Con's" <-- cons
"from her parent's" <-- parents. Plurals have no apostrophe. You can find the rest.
"Since both her parents were Clanner's" <-- Clanners
"she had never heard bad talk about the group;" <-- comma
--
How did her parents manage that?
"but she had never heard bad talk about the Con's" <-- cons
"from her parent's" <-- parents. Plurals have no apostrophe. You can find the rest.
Changing!!
"how the Clanner's lost sight about being free."
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What do you mean?
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What do you mean?
They have no control over what they do, when they do it, etc.
"Right then and there, Blackstorm decided"
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to abandon the whole of everything she ever knew? Why did she trust these cons? Was she rebellious in nature before this occurred?
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to abandon the whole of everything she ever knew? Why did she trust these cons? Was she rebellious in nature before this occurred?
Yeah, she was rebellious befire this. She's the kind that wants to be in the "in" crowd, and how the cons talked about the Clanners proclaimed them as weak. She felt that if she was a con she would gain respect from cats. She feels as if rep. is more imprtant than family, so to speak.
"Instead, they accepted Blackstorm's choice,"
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What's wrong with them? Blackstorm has just told them she wants to work against everything they believe in. It's a little important, to make an understatement of it.
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What's wrong with them? Blackstorm has just told them she wants to work against everything they believe in. It's a little important, to make an understatement of it.
Her parents are very understanding. Lol.
"and still mentored the both her and her brother"
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Remove the "the". Wait, why do you call her Blackstorm when she's an apprentice?
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Remove the "the". Wait, why do you call her Blackstorm when she's an apprentice?
Why . . . why yes, I did. Changin' it.
