Dullpaw

[Thistle]

Now here you're talking about what they did when they were alive after you've told us how they've died. Switch that around, please.
--x--
I'm not sure whether you're saying to move that sentence or write it in a different way... but I changed it. (Slightly)

[Ten]

"When it became apparent that his mother and father had died, he mourned for day and then left his 'home'. It was a semi-circle dug around a wall. The parents defended it when that scrap of land was threatened, but if they were overwhelmed they moved to another spot."
--

What I mean is that you don't have things in chronological order here.
Talk about the territory before you talk about how they died.

[Thistle]

What I mean is that you don't have things in chronological order here.
Talk about the territory before you talk about how they died.
--x--
Mm'kay.