moddy
Apprentice
noisy cricket {2}[M:0]
.. i'm ditsy. go away. 3:
Posts: 309
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Post by moddy on Jun 24, 2009 12:45:07 GMT -5
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Post by Ten on Jun 24, 2009 17:00:30 GMT -5
"NOT DONE YET BUT GO AHEAD AND COMMENT"
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-blinded-
"She isn't extremely big"
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Is that supposed to mean that she's small?
"Her nose is rather sensitive, causing her to be good at tracking stuff,"
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You can take out the "stuff".
I also think it might sound better if you said something like "which is why she's good at tracking"
"She doesn't want a clan at all. She is too much of an independent cat to want to be in a clan at all."
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The "at all" repetition sounds... repetitive. Was that on purpose?
"The thought of being told what to do makes her shudder and she certainly doesn't like it."
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I think you're stating the obvious with that last part. So why does she dislike being told what to do?
"she wants to follow in their footsteps" <-- pawsteps?
"NO NOT YET."
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o.o Inside voices.
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moddy
Apprentice
noisy cricket {2}[M:0]
.. i'm ditsy. go away. 3:
Posts: 309
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Post by moddy on Jun 24, 2009 22:55:49 GMT -5
i'll edit most of that stuff blahh.
"-blinded-"
you're welcome. c;
"So why does she dislike being told what to do?"
she likes telling herself what to do. she's an independent cat.
"o.o Inside voices."
i was always that little kid who disobeyed that rule, even if the teacher yelled at me for it. cx
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Post by Ten on Jun 24, 2009 23:14:14 GMT -5
"she likes telling herself what to do. she's an independent cat."
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Yes, of course, but that's just rewording it.
What's the root cause?
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moddy
Apprentice
noisy cricket {2}[M:0]
.. i'm ditsy. go away. 3:
Posts: 309
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Post by moddy on Jun 24, 2009 23:20:24 GMT -5
"What's the root cause?"
she takes after her parents; they were like that, as well.
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Post by Ten on Jun 25, 2009 10:02:34 GMT -5
So you said she's independant, yet in Greykit's bio, she begs him to follow her?
"but she wasn't going to change her name or anything. Out of the two kits, she was the troublemaker."
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These seem like two contrasting elements.
So what trouble has she made?
"When they discovered them, they immediately found that they were dead."
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Was this supposed to be funny?
"They mourned for a moment, but Greykit decided that they should move on."
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You make it sound like he's the boss, yet you say she's independant.
So which is it?
"The events in their history hadn't"
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I'm not sure why, but something sounds off about this.
Haven't, maybe?
"not wanting to be completely alone" <-- comma
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moddy
Apprentice
noisy cricket {2}[M:0]
.. i'm ditsy. go away. 3:
Posts: 309
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Post by moddy on Jun 25, 2009 10:44:39 GMT -5
"So you said she's independant, yet in Greykit's bio, she begs him to follow her?"
she makes an exception for Greykit, since he's her brother. besides, she didn't want to be the only one in trouble if they got caught.
"So what trouble has she made?"
nothing major, since she's only a kit. like, i mean that she's ran away from her parents(she intended to come back, of course) and stuff like that, but her parents always caught her before the whole plan could become successful.
"Was this supposed to be funny?"
does two kits finding their parents dead sound funny to you?
"So which is it?"
whitekit is an independent cat, but they consider greykit to be the boss out of the two of them, since he was born first.
edited and edited.
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Post by Ten on Jun 25, 2009 11:15:49 GMT -5
"like, i mean that she's ran away from her parents(she intended to come back, of course) and stuff like that, but her parents always caught her before the whole plan could become successful."
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So she ran off once, that's all?
Were her parents not very watchful?
"does two kits finding their parents dead sound funny to you?"
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In that sentence it does. Something about the way it's phrased.
Maybe... "When they discovered them, they mourned for a moment, but Greykit decided that they should move on." ?
"she makes an exception for Greykit, since he's her brother."
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Do you have a brother?
"besides, she didn't want to be the only one in trouble if they got caught."
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Then she's depending on him to share the blame.
"whitekit is an independent cat, but they consider greykit to be the boss out of the two of them,"
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So she's independent except for the part where she takes orders and follows him around?
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moddy
Apprentice
noisy cricket {2}[M:0]
.. i'm ditsy. go away. 3:
Posts: 309
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Post by moddy on Jun 25, 2009 11:25:58 GMT -5
"So she ran off once, that's all?
Were her parents not very watchful?"
no, she's done it more than once.
they were, normally, but there were times when they weren't looking directly at the kits, so the kits tried to sneak away.
"Do you have a brother?"
uh huh.
"Then she's depending on him to share the blame."
yeah.
"So she's independent except for the part where she takes orders and follows him around?"
she's independent when it comes to cats who aren't her kin. but, yes, basically.
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Post by Ten on Jun 25, 2009 11:32:54 GMT -5
"uh huh."
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o.o I can't tell if that's affirmative or not.
Assuming that's a yes, is he younger or older, and do you let him get away with doing more or less to you than you would with other people?
"she's independent when it comes to cats who aren't her kin."
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So she feels that blood relations are the only ones
with the right to tell you what to do.
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