Brightfur

[Spot]

Roleplayer| Spot
_____

Name| Brightfur

Gender| She-cat

Physical Description| Brightfur's size is smaller than the other cats who are enclosed in the edifice. Her pelt is a bright orange, with her tabby markings in the common mackerel style. A clean white splotch covers her belly, neck, paws and muzzle, where it ends just below her two eyes. Those eyes are a clear orange-amber, but in the light they have a yellow tinge to them.

Views|
Brightfur's mind has always been fed on hope and prosperity, fueled by her mother's stories. As she thinks strongly of her mother for her kind soul, quick hunting and beautiful stories, Brightfur is not one to disbelieve her. She has known no life other than in the edifice but wishes for a day where she can step foot in the light that comes from the small cracks in the rock walls. In that light holds hope, contentment and most of all, a new beginning. She has been deemed crazy, but in her mind the plans make sense; they weren't really meant to live here in the edifice, were they?

Brightfur wants to lead that new beginning. She wants to be the one risking her life for her clan. She wants to search the new territory and figure out where the camp will be, to be there for the first night of freedom. And how sweet freedom will be, as sweet as her mother's milk. She wants to be free, as crazy as the other cats think of it.

But Brightfur is also a follower. She is used to listening to other's ideas and siding on them, as she was taught by her mother to pay attention to others. That way she could and would learn helpful advice that work to a benefit. So, this also gives her the skill of being a good listener. But, her trust is hard to acquire. Who is there to trust in this time of destruction and utter chaos?

Kin|
Mother: Darkfoot (deceased)
Father: Jackalbelly (deceased)
Brothers: None
Sisters: Twigfoot

History|
Brightfur, or Brightkit as she was first called, was born to Darkfoot, a night black she-cat with a white splotch along her belly, muzzle, paws and chest (like Brightfur's) and brown eyes, and Jackalbelly, a light brown tom with orange-tinged fur and golden eyes. During her kithood she lived a happy life; she still remembers her caring mother who always told them myths of the world outside, passed down from generation to generation, her proud father whom cared about his daughters very much and her sister who never yelled or put up too much of a fuss.

The pain all started when Jackalbelly was bitten by a rat, which soon became infected. The infection travelled through his whole body, stopping at each major organ to shut them down. First it was his eyesight that disappeared. Then, it was his hearing. Then, in one day, his liver, stomach, lungs and heart shut down, killing him. Brightfur, Twigfoot and Darkfoot were devastated at the loss of their father, mate and friend. Carefully, they laid his corpse to the other side of the edifice, where his body could decompose.

Darkfoot was the most hurt by the loss of her mate and best friend since childhood. She started to only eat small amounts of food, saying that "she wasn't hungry". Her daughters tried to get her to eat, to keep her alive, but eventually she stopped eating all together. Because of that, she began her slow and painful death. The day before she died she brought her daughters close and reassured them that everything was alright, that nothing would be wrong and that she was joining Jackalbelly, wherever his spirit may be. Then, lying down next to where her mate's bones lay, she fell asleep.

Darkfoot never did wake up. Although both Brightfur and her sister were very much sad that their mother had passed away, they were somewhat happy that the pain of life was not there for her anymore. They placed her corpse next to Jackalbelly's, knowing that they would want to be together until their names were long forgotten. Life continues, sadly, with two cats missing from Brightfur's life.

Picture|
Header for posts
Signature
Also, see avatar.
Sorry about the wildlife in the background; it's very hard to find a good quality cat picture indoors.

[Ten]

The image in your signature huge.

"smaller than her ancestors whom" Is that correct use of whom?

"her size is smaller than her ancestors ... but average along the cats contained"
They didn't shrink.

"used to live by the river"
They're still by the river.

"not too vibrant yet not too dark"
She's bright, isn't she?

"ends just above her two eyes"
You mean below?

"As she thinks strongly of her mother for her kind soul, quick hunting and beautiful stories"
Add comma.

"but wishes for a day where she can step foot in the light"
So she's crazy?

"because she can with the nine lives she would recieve"
...What?

"Swallowtail"
How would they know about those?

"Twigfoot (alive and open for anyone to roleplay)"
Nope. That's preseting.

"Jackalbelly, a light brown tom with golden eyes"
If her mother was black and her father was brown, where'd she get orange fur?

"a caring mother whom" Is that correct use of whom?

"a caring mother ... a proud father .... "
What about them? That's not a complete sentence.

"Life was good... at least, it was good."
You repeated the same thing.

"bitten by a rat which" Add comma.

"The disease" What disease?

"they buried him" Do you know what the ground in the desert is like?

"lying down next to where her mate was buried she" Add comma.
"had passed away they" Add comma.
"continues,sadly" Add space.

[Spot]

Took me a little while to edit. I made the image a link instead, until I make a smaller version of the photo.

[/size]

[Ten]

You still have her mother listed as Swallowtail.

"but not a blinding orange" and not purple with green polka dots.
Are any cats blinding orange?

"orange-amber, but in the light her eyes" < no comma
Seeing as you're talking about her eyes in that sentence, you can call them "they" for the second time you refer to them.

"Some would say that she was crazy" because she is.
You know that, right?

"She prefers to keep them to herself so she doesn't end up with the title of crazy."
If she had those sort of plans, they would seem logical to her and she wouldn't realize they could be considered crazy.

"the nine lives she would recieve"
You know they don't believe in StarClan anymore, right?

"Brightfur wants to lead"
"Brightfur is also a follower"
She wants to lead but she's a follower?

Don't put a comma after "but".

"a light brown tom with orange-tinged fur"
You've seen a cat like that?

"...a happy life; a caring mother who always told them myths of the world outside, passed down from generation to generation, a proud father whom cared about his daughters very much and a sister who never yelled or put up too much of a fuss."
What about them? It's an incomplete sentence.

"which gave him the infection caused by rat bite."
You mean the bite got infected?

"was born to Darkpelt"
"Darkfoot was"
So which is it?

"saying that 'she wasn't hungry'."
That would be in double quotes.

"Thus began her slow and painful death."
When you use the word thus, the rest of the sentence should be complete without it.

"They buried her"
You know what desert terrain is like, right?

"Life continues, sadly, with one cat missing from Brightfur's life."
Didn't both her parents die?

[Spot]

Edited.
"...a happy life; a caring mother who always told them myths of the world outside, passed down from generation to generation, a proud father whom cared about his daughters very much and a sister who never yelled or put up too much of a fuss."
What about them? It's an incomplete sentence.

It's a bit of personality about them. If I didn't add something of the like it would be like her kin had no emotion.

[Ten]

"It's a bit of personality about them."

Yeah, I noticed that.
Know what else I noticed? There's no verb. A complete sentence needs a verb.

[Spot]

Okay. Made it so that she still remembers her kin. Better?

[Ten]

"She has been deemed crazy," because she is.
What are your plans for interaction?

"Their fredom, her freedom, had been caged for too long."
How does this metaphor make sense?

[Spot]

I'm planning on her following Woodstripe, as she treats her as an idol of some sorts.

[Ten]

Explain or reword the metaphor?
I don't see how not-being-caged can be caged.

"I'm planning on her following Woodstripe,"

-blush-