Somberbreeze;; the bAbY - a work in progress

[nikki]

Role player| Nikki. or Skye. whichever. :3
_____

Name| Somberkit, Somberpaw, Somberbreeze

Gender| Tom

Physical Description| Somberbreeze has dark grey fur that is thicker and longer in the winter, and any excess not necessary during the summer is shed. He is a medium-sized tom. He is lean, with long legs built for speed. He moves quickly, and depends on this speed when fighting and hunting. His eyes are a dull yellow. His whiskers are salt and pepper. He has a medium-length tail.

Views| Somberbreeze is a clanner, as this was the obvious choice for him due to his philosophies. Forming a clan would eradicate excessive fighting, provide order, encourage care for the weak. Run right, an ambitious and proactive leader with supporting warriors could make life a lot better.

Kin| Mother-Greypelt [ not played ], Father-Blackstream, Sister-Shadownose [ not played ? ]

History|

Somberkit He was named for his stone-colored fur. His sister was Shadowkit, and they were both raised by their mother, Greypelt. A few days after he and his sister opened their eyes, their father died. When their mother deemed them old enough to learn, she gave them the "paw" suffixes.

Somberpaw
Greypelt was very fond of Shadowpaw and Somberpaw. She loved them very much, and taught them both to hunt and fight. Her fierce affection, however, caused Somberpaw to become a bit aloof from her lessons- he thought that she would be there to protect him until he finally decided to grow up. Greypelt was indeed comfortable with holding onto her son longer, babying him a bit by attempting to conceal him from irate personas of particular cats in the edifice that caused trouble. Meanwhile, his sister was given a warrior name and left them both, disgusted with her mother's fuss over her brother. Rumors proceeded to float in the air about his apparent weakness- immaturity.

When the rumors of his embarrassingly slow progress in becoming a warrior were eminent, Greypelt drilled many life lessons into his head, trying to disprove the scuttlebutt. His mother taught him to look on the bright side of things and to ease tension in order to avoid unnecessary fights. She cautioned that a life of melancholy was a life wasted, and that life is short- so enjoy it while it lasts, don't dwell on mistakes. Lastly, she forced charity upon him. "Care for others, life is not meant to be wasted."[/b]

Somberbreeze
When Greypelt was confident Somberpaw could take care of himself, she named him Somberbreeze. He received his suffix from his personality that was so carefully shaped by his mother- light-hearted, and carefree.

Picture| [/size]

[nikki]

You can comment if you want, however:
a) obviously, i'm not done.
b) this is a rough draft, so there are probably a lot of mistakes...

[Ten]

Jul 17, 2010 10:34:28 GMT -5 nikki said:

You can comment if you want, however:
a) obviously, i'm not done.
b) this is a rough draft, so there are probably a lot of mistakes...

That's okay; everyone always has things to add and fix.


"Somberbreeze has dark grey-brown fur"
--
What do you mean by grey-brown?
The cat in the picture looks grey.


"that is thicker and longer in the winter, and any excess not necessary during the summer is shed."
--
Is there something about his growing more fur in the winter that's different than other cats?


"When light touches his fur, the color becomes lighter."
--
Well, I suppose when light doesn't touch his fur, you can't get a darker color than that.


"His eyes are mostly a bright yellow; the other parts are a darker or duller yellow."
--
...You're trying to emulate the photo, now, aren't you? It makes sense when one looks down and compares with the picture, but as a description it sounds like his eyes are split into two different shades like puzzle pieces or Great Divide ice cream. If you just mean that his eyes have a sort of shading thing going on, as opposed to being one color straight through, then that's normal for all eyes and if you just say the main color that they are, folks should know what you mean. Now if you choose to give him some hazel-green type of eyes with flecks of more then one color, describing the mix makes sense, but otherwise I suggest keeping it simple.


"His whiskers are a dark grey and black, (would you call that salt and pepper whiskers?)"
--
Are you still trying to describe the picture here? I'm thinking the different colors in the photo are just a trick of the light.


"starting parallel to his ears, then fan out and go on downwards."
--
His whiskers are parallel to his ears? Is that parallel to the base of his ears, or parallel to the direction his ears point?


"His tail is a medium length" <-- endmark
--
You'll have to rework this sentence a little; he has a medium-length tail?


"He does not remember his father much. As when Somberbreeze was young, his father, Blackstream, died from many infectious rat bites when out hunting."
--
I'm thinking you intended this to be one sentence. The syntax you're using makes it sound like he dropped dead right as he was hunting -- is that how it happened?


I'll stop here, since the history isn't finished. Remember as you're writing it to show how he earned that suffix.

[nikki]

size=1
The cat in the picture looks grey.
--x
Ohyes. Bah, the light was hitting it weird.
Changed.

Is there something about his growing more fur in the winter that's different than other cats?
--x
My feeble attempt to make the bio longer.
/fail
Changed!

...You're trying to emulate the photo, now, aren't you?
--x
Maybe… /hides
And yup changed that too. xD

Are you still trying to describe the picture here? I'm thinking the different colors in the photo are just a trick of the light.
--x
MAYBE!
/changes

His whiskers are parallel to his ears? Is that parallel to the base of his ears, or parallel to the direction his ears point?
--x
Parallel to the base, but I bet that's unnecessary to say, mm?

he has a medium-length tail?
--x
Yeah, pretty much. xD

I'm thinking you intended this to be one sentence. The syntax you're using makes it sound like he dropped dead right as he was hunting -- is that how it happened?
--x
True that is.
Yup, changed.

Still working.
[/size]

[nikki]

Sorry about the weird size coding thing from the last post.

And yes, some of it is incomplete, but I wanted to update whatever progress I made.

[Ten]

Nikki, you know you can edit posts. No need to post right after yourself.


"from his stone colored fur. was raised" <-- He was raised?


"When Somberbreeze was young, his father Blackstream died from many rat bites that turned out to be infectious when out hunting."
--
The way you've worded this, it sounds like they turned infections while he was hunting.


"After a couple of days(would it take that long? longer or shorter, i'm not quite sure),"
--
hm. I'm not sure; I don't know much about infections. I can ask Rolo about it (her father's a doctor) but you don't have to specify the time it took.


"his Father was dead."
--
No need to capitalize father, by the way. Words like that are only capitalized when you're using them like a name -- "I love Dad" vs. "I love my dad".

He saw that his mother was sad when she learned the news, but because he and his sister did not know their father for long, they did not share her sadness.


"Greypelt taught them both how to fight, hunt, and think smartly,"
--
What did think smartly mean to her?


"trying to make a life in the enclosure one more at ease."
--
...er, trying to make life in the enclosure easier?


"He was rather bad, however, at getting himself out of bad situations and thinking quickly."
--
What do you mean?

[nikki]

Whoops. Sorry!
Yeah. I cut a lot out.
Sorry I haven't been on in so long.
Midterms are just starting up and I'm starting highschool and it's all just chaos.
Bah.

[Ten]

"He moves fast, depending on quickness rather than strength."
--
This makes it sound like whether or not he moves fast is dependent on his quickness. I know what you mean to say, but I suggest clarifying this. You might say something like he relies on his speed for attacks and hunting.


"His whiskers start out parallel to the base of his ears, then fan out and go on downwards."
--
As opposed to... what, spiraling upward?


"Views| Somberbreeze is a Con. [yeah thats it so far 0_0]"
--
So why is he a con? If asked to explain, what reasons would he use to support his views?


"from his stone colored" <-- hyphenate stone-colored


"Greypelt was very fond of Shadownose and Somberbreeze. She gave them equal care and showed no favor of one or the other. She taught them both how to hunt and fight."
--
Here they seem to already have their warrior names, yet they're still in training?


"She also explained the experiment that was going on"
--
That's only been for a few days.
Is he not an adult?


"When Greypelt thought she had taught them both well,"
--
And had nothing else to teach them, you mean to imply?


"Somberbreeze received his suffix part of his name" <-- remove "part of his name"

[nikki]

This makes it sound like whether or not he moves fast is dependent on his quickness. I know what you mean to say, but I suggest clarifying this. You might say something like he relies on his speed for attacks and hunting.
--
Alrighty.

As opposed to... what, spiraling upward?
--
Just me being, in the words of a friend, "overly flowery" (deleted)

So why is he a con? If asked to explain, what reasons would he use to support his views?
--
Work in progress.

Here they seem to already have their warrior names, yet they're still in training?
--
Fix that in a moment..

That's only been for a few days.
Is he not an adult?
--
My mistake.

And had nothing else to teach them, you mean to imply?
--
Yes. Should I reword it?

Also, I'll probably go more into his history when I have more time to write...

[Ten]

"Work in progress."
--
Let me know when you get any further on that.


"Location: east coasters will EAT you!"
--
At first I thought of the little things you put underneath drinks.


"Yes. Should I reword it?"
--
ehhh... it might confuse someone, but they'll figure it out easy enough (it's obvious what you mean), so it's up to you.


"Also, I'll probably go more into his history when I have more time to write... "
--
Roger that.