Fleckfoot

[everlasting]

Role player| Everlasting
_____

Name| Fleckfoot

Gender| Tom

Physical Description| Fleckfoot is a ticked tabby, fur is short, bristly and pale yellow, almost cream colored, and flecks of gray-brown around the paws and maw. His tail and legs are short, and the rest of his body stout. His eyes are a pale green, and one looks a bit foggy. He's unable to see through the foggy eye, which is on his left side. His whiskers are somewhat lopsided-- one side has more whiskers than the other. They're also fairly bent and scraggly looking. His face is pretty normal, though, with small, rounded ears and large eyes and nose.

Views| Fleckfoot really wants to see the Clans be brought back together. His parents, who had told him magical stories of the old ways, inspired him to try to bring the cats together to form Clans again. However, Fleckfoot tends to let his anger do the talking, and if anyone says anything to upset him, his points are usually hit home with the raking of his claws to someone's maw. He wants to be a leader badly, and wants others to follow him because of pushy parents and a fueled desire to prove to them he can do it, but due to his short build and fairly unappealing personality, not many cats care to be attentive to him about his 'Let's be Clans again!' protests.

Kin| Smallstep (mother) and Whiteface (father) are deceased, he was the only kit in his litter.

History| Fleckfoot was raised the traditional way, what his parents called 'the only way'. Fleckfoot's parents were unusually attached to the old ways. They taught them to him in turn, making him stick to them strictly-- he was raised as a kit until six moons, they found a good friend of theirs to mentor him, Tallowtoes, and had a small ceremony, and then finally when his parents found him to be old enough and what they saw as 'educated', they gave him his name, Fleckfoot, as per the old ways.

His parents pushed him harder, though-- just because he had a name, doesn't make him anything more than old enough and proved he had training. At least, that's what his parents told him. He believed most of what his parents told him about clan life because

After a few seasons, his parents died, leaving him the only one of his family left to carry on their beliefs. While Fleckfoot never spoke out against his parents (he was actually afraid of them), he's always tempted to pick fights with others. He wants to make his father proud and manage to bring Clan life back to their living, and live up to his mother's expectation by finding a mate with the same beliefs. He claimed a small amount of territory recently, right behind a small boulder with an overhang that allows a bit of shade at the right time of day, but is always paranoid that someone may try to take it from him.

Picture|

Eh, it's close enough.

[Ten]

"Fleckfoot's fur is short, bristly and pale yellow, almost cream colored, with flecks of gray-brown around the paws and maw."
--
Like a... spotted tabby?


"His tail and legs are short, and the rest of his body stout."
--
This isn't a bad description or anything,
but I must confess I thought of a little tea pot.


"His eyes are a pale green, and one looks a bit foggy. He's unable to see through the foggy eye, which is on his left side. It's believed that bacterial infection was involved."
--
Believed by whom?
...wait, how do they know about bacteria?


"Fleckfoot really wants to see the Clans be brought back together."
--
Why plural? That is, in the original story, there was only one Clan, but there are cats who are interested in having more than one Clan. Is he one of those?


"He wants to be a leader badly, and wants others to follow him,"
--
Why? What reasons would he give for why he should be leader?


"not many care to be attentive to him."
--
Who?


"they found a good friend of theirs to mentor him"
--
Was he not a significant part of his life? You don't mention his name -- I suppose it's possible they didn't have much of a relationship.


"He chose the name Fleckfoot"
--
Did you read all the name rules?


"being afraid to look his parents in the eye"
--
I don't have a problem with a character who's afraid of his parents, but in the views you made it sound like he was an aggressive kind of guy. Did he develop this later, or did he become something of a bully because his parents bullied him, or is it just that he's impulsive when there are no superiors to restrain him...?


"He claimed a small amount of territory,"
--
Is this very recent (as in, not long before you throw him into the role play) or has he had it a while? Have there been any challengers? How has he handled them?

[everlasting]

Ack! ;_; I did read the name rules (I tend to obsess over rules after being a part of a few other 'unruly' forums o3o;, apparently I didn't pay attention to what I was writing. Sorry. But I wanted to show that he's a bully because his parents were very rough with him, in a way. They pushed him hard, and shoved their beliefs on him heavily, and expected so much from him that he found he couldn't talk back to them without getting lashed, whether by tongue or claw. He found that his only way for release was having a temper with others, and that's how he's so grumpy.

I believe I made the correct edits, but if I didn't, feel free to poke.

[Ten]

"Ack! ;_; I did read the name rules (I tend to obsess over rules after being a part of a few other 'unruly' forums o3o;;), apparently I didn't pay attention to what I was writing. Sorry."
--
It's easy to miss; no big deal.
I hope you find Starless to be a more cooperative and orderly place.
Out of character, that is. ;D


"But I wanted to show that he's a bully because his parents were very rough with him, in a way. They pushed him hard, and shoved their beliefs on him heavily, and expected so much from him that he found he couldn't talk back to them without getting lashed, whether by tongue or claw. He found that his only way for release was having a temper with others, and that's how he's so grumpy."
--
Right. That makes sense.
Clarify that in the bio.


/rereads physical description


"Fleckfoot's fur is short, bristly and pale yellow, almost cream colored, with flecks of gray-brown around the paws and maw, resembling a spotted tabby."
--
If he's not a spotted tabby, then what is he?


"His eyes are a pale green, and one looks a bit foggy. He's unable to see through the foggy eye, which is on his left side."
--
Does he have a cataracts?


By the way, I'd prefer you would answer my questions in my reply posts. Editing and changing things in the bio is good (in fact, I want you to do that too if you think anything deserves changing) but it's more convenient for me than rereading the whole thing each time and the process is supposed to be like a conference between writers, not a just a list of mistakes to fix. :3


"Location: The Pixar Studio"
--
I love Pixar!
..../irrelevant


-rereads views-


"He wants to be a leader badly," <-- no comma


"and wants others to follow him because of pushy parents and a fueled desire to prove to them he can do it,"
--
So... his parents told him he had to be leader? Did they think he was destined for greatness and push him to achieve it, or did they talk down to him and make him want to prove himself?


"but due to his short build and fairly unappealing personality, not many cats care to be attentive to him about his 'Let's be Clans again!' protests."
--
The views are about what he thinks, not what other cats do. If you want to show other cats responding to him, you can do that; put it in his history.