Lividpelt

[Cloud]

"huh. When I close my eyes, I find it hard to walk quickly -- it's like my brain is saying "NOT ALLOWED *imposes speed limit*" and I'm physically stilted if I try to go faster, but I'm guessing that's a lack of practice plus my cautious demeanor."

-slips in because she wanted to comment-

I find walking quickly with my eyes closed relatively easy, but maybe that's because I practice once every day, usually.

Yes, I do practice that.

Stop looking at me funny. >>

-runs away quickly as she does not speed the application process-

[Jester]

"The only time we ever do anything like that is in a rat hunt when a rat needs to be running away and fighting for its life. Rats don't get bios, though."
--
*Nods to self* That makes sense.


"Right now, the appositive more or less says that his markings were proud to have a daughter. That little hypen-thing you've got going there could be modified a little to show it's actually a dash, but a semicolon would be okay there too. Also, I think you mean that he named her as similarly to himself or that he gave her as similar of a name as he was able."
--
*Cracks up* That's a funny concept, his pelt having more pride in his daughter than he does. *giggles* Yeah, I'll change it. xD I'm really bad with the hyphens. xDD I use them more often lately than anything else. *scolds self*


"What were those views? This seems like it'd be a significant part of her early life. With the history being important in determining what she will think, it'd be good to mention what sort of thing her father said in his rants.

Those little hypens can become dashes or commas. Whichever works for you."
--
Okay, I've added a little more to help it flow. Hopefully that'll work out.


"Even despite.... however? A little bit of syntax reconstruction is in order. A semicolon, as you know, is like a period/endmark that has buddied-up with the beginning of another sentence, so treat this part here as a sentence of its own (grammar-wise, that is).

Wait, Spottedheart didn't let Boulderclaw rant in front of Lividkit? ah. She wouldn't have heard any of it, then."
--
I think I fixed it when I added in the extra tidbits that I did. xD If not, I'll change it again; and yes, although she was adamit, she didn't always succeed.


"What were her little dreams?"
--
I think I've included that now with the changes, although again, if something needs to be expanded upon- let me know.


"Parenthesis need to be part of a sentence. You can't stand on your own when you're all bent and off-balance like that.

Anyway, this part seems a little thrown on to the end, you know? You can incorporate it into the beginning if you'd like and maybe discuss why Spottedheart wasn't getting enough food and what she expected as far as litter-size (and whether she felt let-down with only one kit), or if you don't consider it important you can delete it since a single-kit litter isn't unusual enough to demand an explanation."
--
I'll just get rid of it then, I don't think it's really that important to expand on.


"Were neither of them emotionally effected by the two deaths? I would assume so, but it doesn't show in the passage."
--
Mmm, good point. I'll add in that for a while there, Lightfant really couldn't do anything with her, and that even though he was hurt by the loss, he couldn't let it show in front of her.

[Ten]

"I'll add in that for a while there, Lightfant really couldn't do anything with her,"
--
What do you mean?


"and that even though he was hurt by the loss, he couldn't let it show in front of her."
--
He couldn't? Of course he could. How would he hide it? Why did he hide it?


/rereads physical description

"However, her range of sight beyond exactly where she is looking is still very undeveloped, due to a birth defect in her eyes. (To explain: If she's staring at something directly, she's perfectly capable of seeing it- however her peripheral vision is severely limited, especially in little light.) "
--
Do you have a specific disorder in mind for this? It doesn't sound like cataracts or glaucoma. That is, if you had just said she was born without vision, then that'd stand up on its own, but you're describing a specific set of symptoms here, so I'm thinking, just what is this?


/rereads views

"However, due to the fact that she's grown up the majority of her life without the proper guidance of a great leader, her views are cynical (similar to her father)-"
--
father's?
You have parenthesis there, so you don't need the little dash.


"The fact that she often has hope for a Clan is usually kept in the far corners of her mind- simply because"
--
For that to be a dash, the official way to do it would be--this, but if you prefer spaces then make it even on both sides and do - that.


"she'd rather view it cynically the majority of the time than give it too much hope and be disappointed if and when it ever came and it proved to be unfruitful."

--
Shield of pessimism sort of thing?


Hey, did I ever read the Kin section in the first place? o.o I feel like I haven't.

"Spottedheart (Deceased), she had a gray and white spotted pelt, and almost rust colored eyes- she died from a rat bite."
--
Rust-colored eyes? Her eyes are reddish-brown?

[Jester]

"What do you mean?"
--
Her being almost too fearful of getting hurt, and because of that fear it took her a while in order to finally warm up to the idea of learning how to hunt. Would that be too far-fetched?


"He couldn't? Of course he could. How would he hide it? Why did he hide it?"
--
I was putting him into one of those "I'll be strong around her because she needs it, but will otherwise mourn the loss out of her sight." He'd simply be strong when she was around, wouldn't let the emotional impact hit him as hard. He'd show it only really when she was sleeping, or out of sight. Or would mourn silently.



"Do you have a specific disorder in mind for this? It doesn't sound like cataracts or glaucoma. That is, if you had just said she was born without vision, then that'd stand up on its own, but you're describing a specific set of symptoms here, so I'm thinking, just what is this?
--
I attempted some research, and I can't find anything in particular that would be considered a disease or anything. I was thinking, just if anything, due to a birth defect due to her mother being malnourished during pregnancy. I can change it up however, if you'd like. Having her blind entirely would be no problem with me-- it'd let me play with sounds, smell, taste, all those a lot more since they'd be her main source of... well, identification.


"father's?
You have parenthesis there, so you don't need the little dash."
--
xD Yes, he was cynical although he would was a Clanner at heart. And I'll change that so it's correct.


"For that to be a dash, the official way to do it would be--this, but if you prefer spaces then make it even on both sides and do - that."
--
Okie dokie.


Shield of pessimism sort of thing?

--
Most definitely. xD It'll be really amusing if someone ever confronts her about those views. She'd probably back herself into a corner. *pets her*


Rust-colored eyes? Her eyes are reddish-brown?
--
xDD I honestly can't remember at this point if you have or have not read them, but yes. They're that deeper orange color. My cat has crazy eyes like that, and let me tell you-- it is SCARY to wake up and see those eyes starrin' at you. xD I don't know how he got them-- he had beautiful star burst eyes when he was a kit.

[Ten]

"Her being almost too fearful of getting hurt, and because of that fear it took her a while in order to finally warm up to the idea of learning how to hunt. Would that be too far-fetched?"
--
I thought we were talking about grief.


"I'll be strong around her because she needs it, but will otherwise mourn the loss out of her sight."
--
Okay. And how did she mourn? What did she think of him "being strong"? Did she envy him for it and try to do the same, or did she resent him for it and think his lack of emotion repulsive? Or was her reaction something else altogether?


"Having her blind entirely would be no problem with me-- it'd let me play with sounds, smell, taste, all those a lot more since they'd be her main source of... well, identification."
--
You know what? I've been hoping for Starless to get a blind cat (accepted, that is -- I remember at least one where the scribe left before her cat could get through the process), but that might just be my selfishness, since I want to see how Frozenheart (the deaf guy) would try to interact with a blind cat.


"Yes, he was cynical although he would was a Clanner at heart."
--
I know. I was pointing out the lack of possession on that noun. ;3 I sometimes use question marks on punctuation corrections and such because I might be misunderstanding the syntax or something (instead of "change it to this", "is this what you meant?").


"It'll be really amusing if someone ever confronts her about those views."
--
This being Starless, I can ensure that will happen.
I have a question though. If asked to identify herself as a Clanner or a con, which would she reply with? It's great that you're making her more complex that a simple one-word answer, but I need to know for the stats table. ^^;


"They're that deeper orange color. My cat has crazy eyes like that, and let me tell you-- it is SCARY to wake up and see those eyes starrin' at you."
--
I've never seen eyes like that. Can you show me a picture?


"I don't know how he got them-- he had beautiful star burst eyes when he was a kit."
--
All kittens are born with blue eyes. Just one reason that prefixes based on eye color aren't plausible.

[Jester]

"I thought we were talking about grief."
--
...Yeah, you're right. *Tries to remember what on earth she was going on about.* I'll make it a point to say that she was severely depressed after the incident.


"Okay. And how did she mourn? What did she think of him "being strong"? Did she envy him for it and try to do the same, or did she resent him for it and think his lack of emotion repulsive? Or was her reaction something else altogether?"
--
Mostly sat, didn't want to do anything, was weepy, didn't want to eat. Etc. I'll be sure to include that in there as well. I'll include that she was often envious of it, because it'd make her the sort of strong, but still weak, individual that I see in my mind.


"You know what? I've been hoping for Starless to get a blind cat (accepted, that is -- I remember at least one where the scribe left before her cat could get through the process), but that might just be my selfishness, since I want to see how Frozenheart (the deaf guy) would try to interact with a blind cat."
--
xDD I am more than willing to go that route. I love finding characters that have flaws and that over come them, and find a way to live with that disability. Makes them so much more... life-like, I suppose. I'll change it so that she was born blind- or should I say prematurely? Then it'd be self-explanatory. Cats are born with their eyes fused shut often if they're born prematurely, the malnutrition could be a result of that. Do you play Frozenheart? 'Cause I may just have to track him down and RP once this process is completed- 'cause I'm not backing out of this much work now. *feels proud and thankful for your help*

"I know. I was pointing out the lack of possession on that noun. ;3 I sometimes use question marks on punctuation corrections and such because I might be misunderstanding the syntax or something (instead of "change it to this", "is this what you meant?")."
--
Lol, ahhh, I see. xDD Did I change it? *At the moment can't remember if she went through and caught that, or not.*


"This being Starless, I can ensure that will happen.
I have a question though. If asked to identify herself as a Clanner or a con, which would she reply with? It's great that you're making her more complex that a simple one-word answer, but I need to know for the stats table. ^^;"
--
Oh snap- Tough question. xDD *laughs* She'd try desperately to be a con, she really would. However she'd back herself right into a corner. So Clanner. xD


"I've never seen eyes like that. Can you show me a picture?"
--
Of course. xD This was taken a few years back, they're a bit deeper in color now-- and my camera is currently dead, under a pile of clothes... *looks at room* somewhere... ^^;;; (Really needs to CLEAN.)

i78.photobucket.com/albums/j88/soccer_grl_1/100_0739.jpg

"All kittens are born with blue eyes. Just one reason that prefixes based on eye color aren't plausible."
--
Mmmm, I'll see if I have a picture of him as a kitten- he was tiny, and adorable, and his eyes were awesome~

i78.photobucket.com/albums/j88/soccer_grl_1/100_0709.jpg

Mega blurry- but that's how they were since he was first born.

[Ten]

"Mostly sat, didn't want to do anything, was weepy, didn't want to eat. Etc."
--
mmkay. As you write that in, remember that cats don't have tear ducts.


"I'll include that she was often envious of it, because it'd make her the sort of strong, but still weak, individual that I see in my mind."
--
She felt like she should be "tougher"? Was this an expectation of herself that she got from her father, or from her mentor?


"I'll change it so that she was born blind- or should I say prematurely? Then it'd be self-explanatory. Cats are born with their eyes fused shut often if they're born prematurely, the malnutrition could be a result of that."
--
Cats are all born with their eyes closed no matter what their due date. A few weeks later, when they open, it takes a while for their vision to develop. You could say that hers never did.


"Do you play Frozenheart?"
--
Yes ma'am. >D


"'Cause I may just have to track him down and RP once this process is completed-"
--
Yet another lady cat going after the white boy.


"'cause I'm not backing out of this much work now. *feels proud and thankful for your help*"
--
Worthwhile to discuss it with someone, no?
Thank you for helping me edit the plot and setting. :3


"Did I change it? *At the moment can't remember if she went through and caught that, or not.*"
--
/tunnels back to look
"her views are cynical (similar to her father)"
Still that way.


"So Clanner."
--
Got it.


"(Really needs to CLEAN.)"
--
Me too. >>


o.o Those eyes are... orange.
Awww, kitten.

[Jester]

"mmkay. As you write that in, remember that cats don't have tear ducts."
--
...I totally knew that... >>;; *facepalm* I put in that she could hardly accept the loss instead of the wept thing. *shakes head* Never try to do things late in the evening, or early morning. Stupid happens. xD

"She felt like she should be "tougher"? Was this an expectation of herself that she got from her father, or from her mentor?"
--
Not an expectation, more of just a motivating factor for her. She saw him still being strong-- even though she knew it hurt him too.


"Cats are all born with their eyes closed no matter what their due date. A few weeks later, when they open, it takes a while for their vision to develop. You could say that hers never did."
--
*nodnod* That's fair enough.


"Yes ma'am. >D"
--
Ohhhh boy, we're going to have fun together. *laughs*


"Yet another lady cat going after the white boy."
--
*lol's seriously hard* xDDDD I think, if anything, she'd be glad to just have someone to talk to. Romantic interests would be a TOTALLY new universe to her. *almost fears the day that happens*


"Worthwhile to discuss it with someone, no?
Thank you for helping me edit the plot and setting. :3"
--
Mmmm, I definitely like it more than just someone saying "Fix it." And not really helping you go through it and such.

And no problem chika! I love going through work and really getting down to what needs to be done and such, *did it for her friends and their stories for a long time* When it comes to my own stuff though-- I can never catch as much. xDD

"/tunnels back to look
"her views are cynical (similar to her father)"
Still that way."
--
Lol-- chaaaaaaaaaaaaanged~ I just took that out of there.

"o.o Those eyes are... orange.
Awww, kitten."
--
It's INSANE. O.O And scary-- specially, as I said, waking up to 'em. *he likes to lie on your chest or face to wake you up*I've always described them as rust colored though- since it's like the color of rust on metal. Not really brown, but not orange either-- therefore rust. xDD
I have a picture of him sitting in front of the TV too-- absolutely absorbed in it, it's so freakin' adorable. xDD

[Ten]

"I think, if anything, she'd be glad to just have someone to talk to."
--
mmhm. I like to joke around about Whitey, though, because even though Grimykit is the one who wants to be a ladies' man, it's Mr. Nice Guy Frozenheart who keeps earning the favor of just about every she-cat he comes across.


"When it comes to my own stuff though-- I can never catch as much."
--
Yeah, same here. It really helps to have another pair of eyes.


/rereads history


"Lividpelt first received her name when Boulderclaw noticed how similar her markings were to his own, and proud to have a daughter that looked so much like him;" <-- comma, not semicolon


"he named her as similar to himself as he was able."
--
Similar is an adjective, but this sentence uses it to modify a verb, which means it should be an adverb ("similarly"). I don't like adverbs, so another way to change it would be to say that he gave her a name that was "as similar to his own" as he could.


"Lividpelt easily accepted the possibility of a Starclan"
--
Oh no no no. We do not speak of such things here.


"Boulderclaw, who was always a little rough around the edges, ranted often about his views on the situation that they lived in (how there was never really all that much hope, and how even though he wished for someone to step up to the challenge, he often figured there was no chance); even despite being the typical Clanner that he was."
--
^ semicolon should be a comma.
If he's so pessimistic about it, why do you identify him as a typical Clanner? That is, Clanners aren't all pep and cheer, but I'm wondering what you consider standard issue traits for Clanners, in particular when you set up a contrast between his being a typical Clanner and his being unhopeful.


"Spottedheart easily put up with his behavior until it came to the teachings of their only kit- and"
--
Here's another dash to make.


"tried to calm any of his rants before his views were heard by Lividpelt's little ears. She flat out refused to let his ways ruin Lividpelt's little dreams."
--
But she did hear him sometimes, didn't she? As you said before. And otherwise, her having similar views wouldn't make sense. So how did she react, the first time she overheard him? I imagine it would be a big deal for her. ...or was it?


"She mourned for weeks on end," <-- comma splice

"she never wanted to eat, didn't want to move, didn't want to sleep- she" <-- another dash-to-be

"Lividpelt gave Lightfang a really hard time when it came to learning how to hunt," <-- comma splice


"she was so struck with grief that any action he took to make her move backfired, anything he did couldn't inspire her-- because of this though, he was forced to stay strong."
--
On the words: How could an attempt to make her move backfire? She could remain unresponsive and the attempt would fail, but backfire is more like when a ploy ends up making things worse. Your description of her grief all makes sense, but clarify how he's reacting to it--what did he try to do to help? What did he do when it didn't work?

On the punctuation: aha! This must be the original dash place we talked about. Don't put spaces on only one side of a dash. Both or neither.


"She took what happened to her negatively, and turned it into a positive point."
--
How?


"Since Lividpelt learned of what happened with her parents on their hunt though, she's always attempted to stick together in a group rather than be on her own."
--
So is there a particular group of friends she's been sticking to? Is she still with them now? Or has she been attracted to groups of strangers and then left them as the others went their separate ways?


"Lightfang taught her that as a kit, even though she may be in a group- there's no guarantee that her life would ever be fully secured in the paws of others."
--
You mean Lightfang taught her as a kit that...? Unless you're saying the lesson only applied to her when she was a kit.

This lesson seems like it's contradicting the previous sentence. While there's nothing wrong with saying that she likes to hang out in groups and that her mother told her it won't always protect her, the syntax... doesn't acknowledge it, you know what I mean. It's like I was expecting a "though" or "however" and didn't get one.

Found a little page about punctuation. Look at the examples of em dashes.

[Cloud]

"Oh no no no. We do not speak of such things here."

If they weren't already dead, I would wish the majority of StarClan painful deaths.
They're. Just. Stupid.
See Ten's journals (which are excellent) and mine (which are okay) for proof, if you don't know already. ;P

-runs away again because she although she simply had to notify Jester of The Journals, she is still not speeding the application process and Ten will probably find that butterfly net and come after her-